Suicidal Thoughts

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts today and they’ve been over-whelming to the point where I couldn’t do anything because it felt like there was no point to doing anything because I was so frustrated and angry so I spent my whole day in bed.

I remember back in September when I had suicidal thoughts, there was a day where I had no lab partner in Biology and I told the teacher and she paired me up with a boy in my class who also didn’t have a partner when we finished with our experiment he said “by the way from now on you’re my lab partner” I know that might not seem like much but at the time those words stuck with me I thought “if I kill myself now what would he think”, from then on I began to like him but the thing is I never got further than small talk because I felt like I couldn’t show him how I was because didn’t want to have to hide my depression like I do from everyone  else.

I’m sad about my relationship with my mother, I do love her but right now I’m not the way she’d like me to be  and that makes me sad because she wants me to pray and be stronger but right now I can’t and it makes me sad that I can’t live up to her expectations