My family told me 2 days ago. Two days ago was my birthday. Well, my family were the only one who congratulated me in person, the one I love just send a SMS, well she wanted to go ice-skating with me on my birthday, my family hold me back from meeting her. Got no friends who congratulated me in person. 🙁 All I recognized is that she went to lunch with an other guy, after all the weekends we ate together. I don’t know why this makes me so sick and jealous. It is now nearly one year ago that she rejected me.
All I learned since those 10 months is that I have big issues dealing with people, maybe one reason why I got zero friends to go out with. I got so much problems with myself and I really want to get rid of them, but I don’t know how to. I don’t haveÂ any self-confidence, also one reason why I feel so worse around others.Â I tried to feel good, but I didn’t succeded a bit in feeling better, but my live is going pretty well. I am at a good health. I am studying engineering at a well known university. My grades are good enough. I should be happy. But…. I am not. This loves kills me at the moment. I can’t let her go, because she is the only “friend” I’ve got.
I really want to jump out of my window, but I am too terrified of death.
Sometimes I imagine how it would be too leave Germany and go somewhere else. In the end it will always be the same. I will be the same freak as here and stay alone and feel alone. So no use in leaving this city behind.
I would like to have a heart attack right now, theres an illness called broken heart, but my feelings or myself are not good enough too just let my heart stop beating. Man I want to disappear right now. Right now.
I want to be normal, or strong enough to stay alone, but I am not strong nor normal. Fuck it….
Well then, I wish myself a lot of strength to go through this coming year. I will really need it. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF! 🙂
(I became a weird guy :/)