I have only visited this site once or twice in the last two months. I have read, today, several of the blogs, and it amazes me how we all view this project so differently.
I have not seen any blogs where people write of their situation, which is at all similar to mine.
First, I have very little anxiety about the exit plan. I finally observed that:
—- If you have luck, and if you have health, you will survice, without either you will die. Without love you will simply wither —
For me, I am 71 and have led a very large life. I have traveled the world several times, always on business. I started from nothing economically, but I received the very best one could ever hope for from my parents: (1) a strong set of genes, (2) An excellent education, and (3) what I believe are a strong set of values.
For 65 years, life was fruitfull, usually with some struggle, and great rewards of accomplishment.
My company fell victim to a frivolous class-action law suit, and while the process has taken seven years, it has also wiped me out financially. What was left, of my beautiful home, was attacked, and stolen ( half of the value) by my ex-wife of only four years. So, my company was destroyed, my assets all taken, and and in about two weeks, I will be destitute.
From friends and acquaintenances, I hear what each of you hear … “we love you”, “you are so bright and accomplished”, etc. etc.
But the reality is now, as never before, the biggest loss in my life is purpose. Socrates said the “a life without introspection is a life not worth living”, while that was 3,000 years ago, Rick Warren wrote his now famous book “The Purpose Driven Life.
Both men said the same thing, in phrases contemporary with their life.
I have friends that wish to hire me to provide services that I can do, and I can make a good living doing such.
But now I question the meaning of it all. To earn money as a method of exchanging pieces of paper for shelter, food, transportation, etc seems to me silly.
All I would be doing, is substituting one form of death for another. Does it really matter if you wait until society’s acceptable method of death ( illness) is the cause, or if you run out of luck, and take the ******** plan.
With this Nitorgen plan, I can choose the time, place, and be totally in control.
From all that I have read, I believe that my plan will work the first time, and the apparatus I have purchased is easy to use, and won’t slip off, after I fall asleep.
I chose an air line respirator instead of a large turkey basting bag with a string because it is snug, air tight, and attaches well to the regulator.
I continue to run up against social obstacles, that propel me faster and faster into the final exit. My lease is up on my condo – one that I rented in my luxurious neighborhood area that I paid six months rent in advance, so there was no application for a renter required.
Now, that lease is terminating 2/1/13, so I will be gone by then.
I thought about the possibility of postponing, but because my rotten attorneys suggested I file for bankruptcy, though I had $400,000 in cash, and didn’t owe a dime, it was “best for the company”.
That decision, even though the BK attorney told me I could withdraw my BK application whenever I wanted, was my total destruction.
The BK attorney was stupid, ignorant, and gave me bad advice. Once you sign up, you’re in for the duration, and you cannot get out.
So, I am in control for now. If I ever appear on this site after Feburary 1, 2013, something terrible happened with my exit plan.
And, I will be on the street, and without resources. I will never permit myself to reach that state of misery. I have not enough normal years remaining.
Perhaps some of you received some “food for thought” in reading this blog.
Hope so.
9 comments
I like your style. I’m departing on the same coach. We weren’t meant to rue every m
I so appreciate you post, and it definitely gave me ‘food for thought’. I find myself in a very similar place – having lost my partner, being diagnosed with a terminal deadly disease, convicted of a DUI, and loosing my job all within the last few years – I now work to siimply avoid being on the streets.
I have purchased the peaceful pill handbook, and have contemplated which method to use and finally settled on the ******** exit bag – but the materials and planning have presented a challenge that my lazy and purposless self has not overcome. So I have yet to purchase the ******** or other materials.
Being 26, and being that my HIV diagnosis is supposedly no longer a “death sentence”, i have moments where I use those facts as an excuse to not focus on my project. To be honest, I’m at a stage where I’m not sure if I’m going to go through with it anymore – because my experience has been such hell, part of me wants to overcome this just out of spite for those whom sat by and watched my demise.
I don’t hold anyone else responsible for what happened to me or for the choices I made, however I don’t consider anyone but myself as having helped me either.
Sorry to ramble on so much! But your post was a refreshing reminder of why I began coming to this blog in the first place. I hear you and am grateful for the insight into your project that you shared and the circumstances that have led you to your decision.
I should have said = for *sharing/describing the circumstances/story that led you to your decision.
Hello Stephan,
I actually logged in again this morning just out of curiosity, and I read your post. Everyone, including myself, wants to pontificate with arguments pro and con about the subject of suicide.
Towards you, we observers all begin .. “You’re so young …. you have a whole life to live ahead of you … and many other obvious expressions of their desire to help someone.
I find those comments somewhat meaningless, for they are so ordinary, and not personally specific.
I view this whole yes/no for the suicide project as a form of pragmatism. As I view my age, and condition, it is clear to me, that extending my life for another five or ten years must be done solely for “purpose”. One fellow I read about this morning is a teenager, struggling with his own identity, and sees no purpose in living. The difference is that he is a teenager, starting at the bottom of the hill, and I have reached near the top of the hill aslready.
My own journey led me to a point of great frustration, until I realized that I was somewhat lost. I never contemplated suicide, but a friend did encourage me to see a counsellor he had seen. With everything collapsing around me, and my lack of understanding of “why”, I took the first step and made an appointment. I was 29.
I still remember that first visit. What loomed large in my mind was that I had no one to talk to. I wanted someone to hear me, to understand me, and communicate with the whole me, which I knew would make me feel good. That was it … the key to feeling good.
He began with … “Why ?” Why was it important that I speak with someone who would understand me.
It was that thread that we discussed for two or three sessions, and I began to “shelf” that concept and deal with the realities of daily life, not the philosophical mental wanderings that lead nowhere.
I spent one year in therapy, with weekly visits. I consider that ecperience the greatest game changer in my life, and it helped me to straighten out my thinking and empower me to drive my own future, based upon what I wanted.
No longer did the events drive me, but I learned to drive and create events that led to the conclusions I sought.
This was dome one day, one week, at at time, and they were at first, very small accomplishments – miniscule. But for me, they proved to myself that I was learning how to make successful decisions.
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That meant whatever I wanted, I simply had to make a plan and follow it. Sometimes I failed, so I revised my plan. But the object was good, fun, challenging, and created a feeling a happiness as I was able to control my destiny. I flipped the switch, and the lights went on. I did it again, and they went off. So simple, but it proved I could create any desired effect I wanted.
That led to much greater successes, accomplishments.
For me, accomplishments were important. Targeted goals, when completed, prepared me emotionally for the next “project”. I have spent over 4o years utilizing those tools to accomplish what I wanted.
If you truly want anything (and only you and your inner soul know if that is true), then a similar process might be good for you as well. It is very important to separate wishes and dreams from reality. For me, I rapidly learned to separate the dreams and focus my efforts on realities, and the achievement of the simplest of tasks. Simple tasks can be deciding what I would like to eat at my next meal. Think about it, contemplate it, the place I would like, etc.
Then make it happen, just as I visualized it, with all of the color images in my mind, etc. I did keep focused on reality, such as visiting a restaurant that I knew, so I was familiar with the expectations. I brought my money, thought about the menu selection, ordered, ate, and smiled as I paid the bill and went back to my car. I did what I wanted to do.
Perhaps you can use some of those tools, and processes to create a bit of success tomorrow.
It can start instantly, as you as you pick a goal and plan and execute the achievement of that goal.
Good luck to you, and while it is somewhat trite, I’ll say, you have oh swo many years ahead. Remember, a man like Warren Buffet, with his billions of dollars can’t buy what he really needs …. 25 good years and a new body.
I won’t make a long post that you have to respond to Raven777 and I’m not going to beat around the bush. The bottom line is if you still want to live but lack the funds to do so, I’ve got $50,000 in cash with your name on it. I’d like a peaceful exit myself in return. Read my other posts to determine whether or not I’m serious (hint: I am).
If you’re interested, I can come to you whenever, night or day (assuming you’re in the US). If not, good luck to you and I hope things work out.
Fun fact: one of the men you mentioned in your post happens to be my father, though it’s probably not the one you’re thinking of right now. It’s a crazy world, and you’ll find people you’d never think to meet in places you’d never expect to meet them.
Hi LMS …
Fun Fact is certainly curious. I only mention two men by name, and I know Socrates is not your father. You don’t know my name, so I don’t support the attorney mentioned ( their name is not mentioned either), and since it is not the one “that I am thinking”, great fun fact !!
On a more sober note, money is not the issue fror me. My ex-wife offered me $10,000 of the $160,000 she has in her savings, that she stoll 100% from me, but I refused that also. I believe the only money you are entitle to is the money you earn. I believe in the work ethic solely.
Without Purpose ( with capital P) I believe that you are merely exchanging bits of paper to continu processing food, staying out of the rain, and exibiting the functionality of a comatose zombie, waiting for health to guide your exit. Some people wait an awfully long time for their healt to be the trigger.
My health is ok, but I would not be any happier with money in the bank
I fear most losing control of my destiny. My freedom is most important to me – being able to make my choices and I accept the responsibilities of those choices.
Thanks for the note, and whichever road you take, best wishes to you, and may we all find peace.
LMS,
I might have interjected myself into your post for another person. I re-read your first line, and it speaks to someone replying to Raven777.
If your post was not meant for me, I apologize.
Hey Raven777, I was indeed responding to you since it shows on my screen that you made the OP. Maybe you didn’t and maybe it’s just an error the website made. In any case, I’m a bit of an existential nihilist which is ironic considered my background.
In any case, I’ve already lost control of my destiny, as you say, which is one the biggest reason I have no will to live. Without the power to choose for myself, I’d rather just be dead. Until I can make that choice there will be no peace OR future for me. I’m just stuck rotting away, feverishly trying to get the power back.
Personal freedom is the only thing that I feel is worth surviving for, and I’ve lost that freedom. No matter what happens to me from here on out, I will have no say in whether or not I have to endure it. This world is rotten, and the only thing the makes it bearable is the idea that you can escape it.
I will never escape this.
Raven777,
well i’m no youngster either i’m close to your age among some of my problems is money like you made alot and now fighting to exist, the samethings go through my mind but i continue to luck out because i’m not as stupid as i feel i figure a way out, so…….. hears my suggestion you can die anywhere in a motel a shack in a car, so don’t let the condo control your date, i would take the position and make a living and try to find a new companion my dad is 90, you can always throw in the towel anytime, make your transition and then decide whether or not you can live with it.
PS if not go with the turkey bag resperators are not recommemed.