I don’t know

I never thought I could feel this way. Missed connections. That alone was the miraculous thing. How and why did it turn out this way… I will never understand.

I get so angry when people try to get all esoteric about the shitty things that happen in life. That really, really angers me. We always need a reason for everything… and when there isn’t one, people tend to make one up usually based off of some kind of spiritual belief system. My own haunting question of how and why doesn’t have an answer. I wish I could  understand. And I know now, that even if that answer were put right in front of me I would reject it.

The answer isn’t a source of solace anymore. There’s no patching this up. It just hurts. It makes me think of a long list of things I had to give up on, let go of, and learn to do without. That is what is considered mature and adult in the world… giving up. Unless of course,  you are talking about suicide. Then for some reason you are a coward who didn’t try hard enough.

I think I was just born wrong. There is so much that goes through my mind when I try to make sense of what led me here. I try to piece together my life in my mind, from the earliest moments… and it’s just a haze of blackness…

It’s very odd and confusing. It’s uncomfortable to feel this way. To have one foot in the world and the other dangling somewhere else if that makes any sense.

So many years of talking myself into living fully… I’ve run out of good reasons. Just rambling. Sorry.