I was blamed. But I don’t regret it.

I really don’t know how to start this with out sounding too cliche, so excuse me for being awkward. It’s a small story. If you take anything from this story, take the lesson that you are wanted. If you quit now, there’s someone else who will be hurt. I’ve had this story bottled up inside me for a while now. Well a few months. It’s fairly recent.  Here it goes.

So for about 4 years I’ve been talking to this boy, Zach. We met online, and of course we ended up 3 states, 660 miles away from each other. We dated a few times, but distance always hurt us.

So we would end up friends. I’ve never felt closer to anyone, ever. But at the same time, I never felt further. It was a confusing relationship. We always talked about how harsh society had been to us, and how we would leave this world together, in the same room.

We had a  death date planned.

We wanted to go out mid-summer. In a field. Leave this world together.

About a month before he died, we were video chatting. I was going through a rough time and he knew everything about me. He knew what made me happy. He sang me my favorite song. He learned it on the spot and played the guitar and even sang it. Chasing Cars by snow patrol and I will follow you into the dark by Death cab for cutie. I couldn’t tell if I got happier, but I cried more. I didn’t care how he saw me. I sat there and cried. I never thought that would be the last time I saw him. The last memory of my face was me crying.

About 2 weeks after I received a letter in the mail. I didn’t recognize the address. I opened and out fell a letter and a beautiful necklace. I knew this neckalce. I saw it about 4 weeks earlier and gushed how beautiful it was to Zach. It clicked in my mind. This was from Zach.

I read the letter, it’s in my hand now as I type this story.

He remembered. I looked at the bottom of this note he gave me. It said go down the street to the flower shop and tell them you’re Katil.

I was really confused, but if this boy told me to jump off a bridge, i would. So I walked down to the shop.

Ringing a bell I said I was Katil. The lady behind the counter looked confused, then her face lit up. She ran back, I waited for a few minutes, smelling roses and admiring the beautiful flowers. I heard the lady walking out so I made my way back to the counter. She had a long slim box in her hand. Before she gave it to me she gave me a small explanation, it still wasn’t making sense though.

She told me about how a young man called, asking for a certain flower, a rare flower actually. That was extremely expensive and hard to grow. I nodded, still confused. I slowly opened the slim yellow box.

Inside was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

A perfect blue rose. It all made sense. i told Zach I always wanted to see a blue rose. I saw a picture and i gushed about it. I would always bring them up and about beautiful they were. It was also his nickname for me. He would call me Rose Blue, becasue in japan the last name would come first and it connected to another joke we had.

He gave me what I always wanted to see.

I would’ve never thought a week from them he would die.

But I never thought I would be blamed for his death. They said he was perfectly fine until I came in his life. They said I made him depressed, it was always the opposite. He was so depressed, but we would talk and he would be happy. The same went for me. But he told me that he was happier with me. I wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral. I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye.

I wear this necklace everyday. I took it off once. Once to lay on the floor in the field we chose.

I was blamed for loving him.