I’m still here. Won’t you stay with me?

Uhm hai.. Well I guess I should start with yes. I’ve attempted suicide. Many times. I’ve never actually talked to anyone about it, or anything’s that’s been happening. I don’t have the strength to say it to someone’s face. But the one time I did. I finally told someone… Exactly 2 weeks and 4 days ago, he committed suicide.. And I was blamed by his family for it. I wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral or say my good byes. This was honestly the love of my life.. We’ve been dating for almost 4 years. We planned our future together and everything.. But it goes beyond that. I wanted to join him. But I had to keep going for him.

Even earlier then that, about 2 years. By best friend. His names was Jake. We, me him and a few friends, all went to the beach together. He got a call on his cell phone telling him to go cross the street and see if he knew the way back. We all got worried about it, since it was a blocked number. I begged him not to do it. He promised me it was fine. He was murdered. And the killer didn’t get punished. He walked away with the blood on his hands. I watched it all.. And I can’t help but feel guilty. I went to join him. 3 months in a coma.. 2 more months laying in bed. 9 months of rehab and therapy.

In between both of these. My dad got a new girlfriend. Now my dad is pretty rich, he tours and is in a band and on the side makes music videos. He went on tour, and my new ‘step mom’ got drunk. She’s always hated me. Put me down. She got abusive. I got sick and tired of it. I stood up to her once… I learned. I never did it again. Never. I didn’t say anything to anyone at all either.. I acted fine, happy even.

But I stopped. I noticed two of my best friend depressed. And we always had this idea of leaving, all at the same time. With each other. We went through with it, one of their moms works at a hospital and he was able to snatch some heavy pills. We all took 20 pills. And swallowed with Whiskey. I’m the only one that made it.

Sometime before I was blamed for my boyfriend of 4 year’s suicide, my childhood friend Ryan died from cancer. He always lied to me. Saying he was only at stage one and wouldn’t need therapy and was no where near death. He acted fine, happy. He was practically my big brother. He knew everything.. He knew about my step mom even. He would help clean me up after a beating. He was gone. And I knew I couldn’t get him back.

I was still on Suicide watch at this point… I would still cut, just for the pain. Pain I caused other people.

But now Ryan’s brother Phoenix was alone.. It was me and him. So I thought. Another girl came in the picture, as well as my boyfriend. Her name was Amanda. Her and Phoenix were soul mates. i could just tell. She was there for him anytime no matter what. And he did the same for her. But Phoenix was a major smoker. It was something that went through his family, but phoenix had a major back story, I’ll probably right some other time from him point of view, I remember every detail.  Phoenix developed lung cancer. He told me, but couldn’t tell Amanda. It was worse than we thought. He died of Suicide. The day before they said cancer would get him.

(I’m sorry this is being so long)

Since all of this, and including all of this, I have lost 11 friends. And I’m still here. I know I don’t want to be here, but I am. The sun was made to rise, and you were born to live.

Since this I have an amazing person in my life, I haven’t cut for almost 3 weeks now. This amazing person has helped me so much. And you just have to wait to find your person. It may seem like your life is going downhill, but it really does get better. I’m beyond happy right now. I’ve started new <3 I’ve been touring as a roadie with bands I love, making a new family since mine is not here anymore. (Beside my dad but me and him no longer talk.)

I’m here to say, It truly does get better.