I’ve been married for almost three years. Together for almost four. And I am very much afraid that soon, he will be telling me it’s over. All the promises we made…broken. How he slowly and patiently helped me to believe that he was different, that I could trust him, that what was between us was truly different, an “Always” love that I could rely on to be there, forever…a lie. If I could KNOW, with such certainty, that we were meant to be and would always be together…and be wrong…how could I ever trust anyone or anything again? Not anyone’s promises, not my own perceptions, nothing.
I have no interest in living the rest of my life crushed by betrayal, knowing I could never let anyone close to me again!
Besides, I promised him “always”, too. And even if he chooses not to keep his promise…I will keep mine in the only way I can, by ending my always rather than walking away from him.
I am leaning toward the ******** bag method. Fairly quick, relatively peaceful, and very reliable. I will go home one last time, lay down in the bed where I passed the happiest times of my life, in our home. Put my wedding ring on one last time. And die the way I was supposed to have lived.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. It scares me. Terrifies me, in fact. But given the options…well.
6 comments
Please don’t do this! We cannot know for certain how things will turn out. Also, when one is in love, we can become blind to any faults that the other person has or has hidden. Don’t crush yourself about it. It happens. You have options! You can initiate the divorce proceedings and start life afresh. Re-establish your independence. It’s life haul-over, I know, but it is for the best. You’re going to feel well again about life, about yourself, and meet new men! Think how wonderful that’s going to be! And you’ll find a new man who will marry you and sweep you off your feet and you’ll think back, and say, am I glad I did not kill myself, because if I had, this new life would never have been possible. And you’re going to have kids that are going to just make your life even happier! So, don’t do it! *HUGGGGs*
I hope you don’t. This is not a good reason to. An while its honourable for you to want to keep your promise, frankly, the promise is sort of void at this point…
You did love once and can love again (I say that to both me and you!)
The world doesn’t end with one man.
your thoughts and fears resonate deeply with me. i was with her for more than ten years, married for almost three. two weeks before our third wedding anniversary she decided she was done with me. i will admit that i wasn’t perfect. i made some stupid mistakes that caused a lot of pain. but no matter what, i always loved only her. i always wanted to be with only her. she is my one true everything.
she lost her trust in me, and her faith in me as well. but i thought that our marriage was supposed to be “forever no matter what”… in my heart and mind it was. but for her, it was only until it became difficult, then it was okay for her to abandon everything we had and act as if i had never even existed.
for nearly sixteen months now i have been holding onto what little hope and love i can, trying to slowly re-connect with her on even a basic friend level. we were best friends for so long, and i keep hoping this is just something she needed to get out of her system, and maybe eventually will see that through all of the pain, rejection and fear, i am still there for her. but, i too cannot see fit to exist in a world where loves promises are so simply and casually cast away. not only that, but everyone seems to accept it as “part of life”. i want no part of life that has so little regard for the meaning of devotion, love and sacrifice.
i completely empathize with your choice. however, in my research there are too many ways that the exit bag could fail, leaving you still alive and quite possibly brain dead. i would suggest maybe doing a little more research. a failed attempt is either a really good thing, or a really bad thing.
btw… she stopped wearing her wedding ring on what would have been our third anniversary. i have not taken mine off, period. i made that mistake once and decided that no matter what, i will never do that again.
peacefuldreams – Phrases like “for the best” have absolutely no meaning whatsoever when you’re watching your world fall apart and burn down around you, while the one person you knew would always be there to pull you out of the fire stands off to the side, watching, with a match in his hand. I have no interest in finding someone else – man or woman – and if I did, like I said, how could I ever trust them? I trusted him, with everything, and I knew, I KNEW that it was safe to do so. And it may be that I was wrong. So how can I ever believe that it’s safe to trust anyone else? My own intuition, my own knowledge of trustworthiness is already broken. (Oh and I’m so not a kids person, don’t want them, never have, never will.)
one_day – who are you to say what is a good reason and what isn’t? At its simplest, suicide happens when a person’s pain exceeds their coping capacity. Mine has long since exceeded what I can bear. Does the source of it matter? *The* world doesn’t end with one man. *My* world, however, does. I promised him always. I can’t forgive him for breaking that promise, if he does. How could I forgive myself for breaking that promise?
love.lost.gone – I’m so sorry to hear your pain. It’s been eight months for me, since he first said “I’m not sure I want us to be together anymore.” I lived at my mom’s for four months, then came home, and things were getting better for awhile – they really were. But then something changed over the last month and I don’t know what, but he’s pulled so far away from me, I feel like I’ve lost him already.
If not the exit bag, though, what do you suggest? My research showed it to be fairly reliable, at least more so than most other methods.
are you at all able to maybe salvage anything together? i mean, some progress together (even if it’s not there now) is better than the absolute end. it takes a hell of a lot of effort to reconnect with a distant spouse, but even if he doesn’t try or is resistant to it, putting your best effort forward can make a difference. it’s true that you cannot make someone love you, but you can affect their feelings about you. if you give it all up now, he will likely respond by giving up also. but maybe if you give it a serious and heartfelt effort, he might see that and respond more favorably.
he said, “i’m not sure….”
my wife told me exactly, “i’m done.”
i did what most anyone in that situation might do. i pleaded and begged for nearly a month. that only made her angry. i then backed off a bit and gave her some time and space to figure things out. instead she got all new friends and an all new life and hired an attorney and filed the divorce paperwork 3 days before christmas of 2011.
i now live 500 miles away from her, with family paying off 20k in mortgage loans from our home which i had to sell all by myself, (which was not worth what we paid for it three years earlier) while she lives in a new apartment with her 3rd boyfriend in the last year not having to suffer any financial consequences whatsoever. but, i arranged it that way. i promised her (even after she left me) that i wouldn’t allow anything to happen to her credit rating. i made a promise and i will not allow myself to break it.
my point is your situation may not be as “over” as you think. trust me. if there is any way that you could be strong enough to try and prove to him that there is something worth saving in your relationship, do it now. i made the same promise of forever to her that she made to me on our wedding day. like you, i will not break that promise, even though she has already broken hers. the ONLY way i can give her what she says she now wants (a life without me) is to no longer be alive. because as long as i am still breathing, i will hold onto that promise and will never give up.
we are not supposed to discuss specific methods on this forum. but because you understand my frustrations and are a person of strong principles and devotions i will talk with you via email, if you are interested. i can be reached at jmvsic at gmail (dotcom)
if you do not wish to email me though, i understand. either way, i truly am sorry that you have to go through this heartache. those who would say that love is no reason to die, in my opinion, lack the understanding and compassion to have ever really felt love before. and my guess is since nearly everyone says that, it must be the reason why divorce is so common and socially accepted, and why so many people are perfectly able to apparently “love” and then leave…
I’ve emailed you. Thank you.