questions in my head

if i leave him will anyone hold me? will i feel love? will i break? will he cheat on me? does he still love me? if i die would there be never ending black and would anyone care? more importantly would he feel guilty? would he feel guilty that he raped me and called me those things or would he be angry and think it was the result of my dad, or any other abuse? why am i still here, why am i with him? if i die heaven will take me anyway despite my sins, maybe hell will consume me and torture me for forever? will anyone love me? what am i doing so wrong that he loves another girl while i give him everything and try so hard to hold me tounge when he yells at me? when will i think im good enough?