i should be happy. i’ve got a great girlfriend, i’ve got a few good friends, i’ve got my cat..
i’m not alone, so why do i feel this way?
no matter how many times someone will tell me i’m worth it or that suicide is never an option, i can’t help but think, fuck you. seriously though, fuck you, to everybody who thinks they understand, to everybody who won’t listen when i tell them they don’t understand. i feel so alone because nobody really knows me, only i can know myself, who of which i can’t even fully comprehend. so yea, people can tell me i’m worth it, that they love me, that i’m a great person, but the reality is, the person they think those things about isn’t even that person.
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holy shit story of my life
b1urr,
were all a bunch of rats! don’t take it so……….. personal.
rats? lol
& i don’t take anything personally.. um what? im so confused. what are you referring to?
b1urr,
nobody is perfect were all a bunch of fuck ups! why kill yourself?
well… why not kill yourself? does death not seem a lot easier? i’m living with guilt that i can’t shake off, the guilt of knowing that, if not already, i will fuck up someones life because i’m just that much of a fuck up. fucking up someones life is the last thing i’d ever want to do.
plus, i hate myself. there is pretty much nothing good about me. i have no talent, i’m a fucking slut, i’m extremely odd, and i ruin things.. i would rather die than live out my life being this fucking person, stuck in this fucking body.
that’s just the way i see things. (:
b1urr,
well since you put it like that your making me think? maybe i need to go too!
no, its not that i need to go, its just that i feel like i’m ready to go, that maybe i’d be better off gone. if you didn’t feel that way 10 mins ago then no, you shouldn’t even really be thinking about it.
i’d rather the option of suicide not even exist, i’d rather NOBODY killed themselves even if they’re terribly sad. but now i know, that if someone were to hold me back from ending my life when i was truly ready to do so i’d be fucking pissed. sometimes living is too hard, or sometimes people realize that this world is too shit; some people are too good for it.
please dont think like that until you’re absolutely serious okay? if you’d like to email me you could. be safe.
b1urr,
sure i’d like to talk to you if i had your email. you see i feel like you feel everyday. talking is good for us. 🙂
both of you, i know youve heard “suicide isnt the answer,” but its true.
and b1urr, you say that youre a fuck up, and fucking up some ones life would be the last thing you want to do, but think about it. you dont think killing yourself would fuck up someones life? you say you have a girlfriend. shell have to live with sorrow and the memories of you. shell have to live with “what went wrong” or “what did i do wrong?” Your family will never be the same, your girlfriend will never be the same, every person you have met will never be the same if you do that…
My friend recently passed away without any warning and any attempt for a reach out to help to the right people. he went to people that said “go ahead, kill yourself” and people that didnt take him seriously. and now hes gone, and no one is the same. his mother is a wreck, and for his grandfather im seriously worried about his health. and here i am, i made an account on this website specifically to try and bring light to peoples decision and think about the consequences of this permanent action. my friend was on this website, and now hes gone, and never coming back. i still talk to him by myself in my room or in my car. all that he left this world is the destructionhe caused and the emotional pain he put on everyone else. so if you think that you should kill yourself to avoid messing up peoples lives, then dont do it. in one clean sweep, that will mess up a lot of peoples lives with just one mistake you had done.
im here for any of you if youd like to talk to me. ill listen
yes, i completely understand what you’re saying. i realize that a few people may be torn if i go, but honestly, i’m sure they’d get over it soon enough. i’m not really liked or anything.. everybody who has me in their life could easily replace me.
i wont kill myself, now that i have my girlfriend, because she’s been kinda sad lately and i’ve gotta stay strong to help her through her rough times. she saved my life so i guess i sort of owe her and have to stay around. but im not necessarily happy about staying alive. suicide is an option for me and i will be considering it. it may not be an answer but it is a way out.
i appreciate all of what you wrote though, thank you x
tickedoff,
whay you say is true every word! that a reason i’m still around.
tickedoff,
“suicide isnt the answer,†not true for everybody. i’m not saying us.
im not 100% sure how this site works or anything yet b1urr, but if there is a way to contact me, and you need to vent specifically to some one, i am there.
i understand what you are saying, but id just like to point out one more thing. my good friend also thought he didnt have any friends, no one cared, and he wasnt liked, but if you saw how many people were at his funeral, it was rediculous. SO many people care about him. he would tell his mother that he was at home because he had no friends. and he would say that his bestfriend (my boyfriend) and i were too busy and had things more important than he. i have never seen my boyfriend cry so much. we were never too busy and nothing was ever too important. he just didnt see it..
you are liked, i can already tell that you are respectful and sweet. and you have a girlfriend for a reason lol :p
thank you, you’re a lovely person, i hope you have a life thats well worth living (:
tickedoff,
your a good person!
why r u tickedoff?
no – suicide is not the “answer” … it’s an option … and in most cases not a very good one – there’s 20 failures for every one success so although it’s better odds than a lottery – them still ain’t good odds when you consider the consequences of being in a worse position physically (damage from attempting) and mentally (dealing with the residual damage AND the original issues that brought you to this option)
if people don’t “know” you – then stop hiding who you are and be who you want to be – the real you – not the one you think they want to see – those who still like the real you are true friends – those who don’t, never were friends to begin with.
odds dawg
thank you rocketman! that actually means a lot to me! you made my day :]
uhmm, i made this account while i was going through my angry stage of grieving. i made this account when i wanted my friend to come back just so i could hug him and beat the shit out of him. and i also made it originally just so i could make a post to bash this site because there are many negative posts on here, and surrounding yourself with negativity isnt always the best thing. thats what i think got to my friend, the loneliness and no positivity. but now ive passed that stage and have decided to use this account to attempt to make a positive difference in peoples lives.
Dawg,
Absolutely true! Friends stick by you no matter what… My belief is that suicide can be an answer, but not for everything.
I feel you.
I agree. It’s all that way for me, and i cant even explain to my friends to make them see.- to the original post.
We have I think all been on both sides of this equation.
Someone comes to us in pain and we want to help, we want to say the right thing, and we don’t have a clue as to what that is, and in our fear we say and do the wrong thing and then it becomes about us. And it’s that t will only leave the person in pain feeling so much worse. Even their pain doesn’t belong to them.
When we share our pain with someone, especially those who care most about us, we can unintentionally scare the shit of them. Or we send mixed signals, asking questions and then jumping on them when they reply.
(Creating the response we want???? We want to feel something, anything other then what were feeling, and anger is easy… so maybe we even set them up to play that role?)
You seem to making the same mistake that you’re attributing to your friends?
They cannot “know†you and likewise you can’t “know†them, yet you seem to be making assumptions about their behaviour and intentions – it’s the assumptions that are causing you grief or getting you what you really want?
When someone expresses the kind of pain your have it’s hard for those who care about you to say silent. And the more afraid they are the more likely they will resort to platitudes.)
When looking for advice on how to deal with ones pain family and friends aren’t usually the best listeners. Friends and family invested in who you are or what they need you to be in their own story.
Thinking that “I should be happy†is a sure fire way of making yourself anything but happy.
One of those dammed concepts that disappear as soon as you look at it.
Besides who says you should be happy anyway. What right to happiness do you have? What would it look like anyway, do you know or is it only something can’t quite taste? The constitution declares that the right to pursue it not have it.
The Buddhist suggests that you can only ‘be’ happy never attributing to it anything can be actually done or thought to get there. Maybe their right.
I say crap to be happy, it just gets in the way of being happy
The best I’ve been able to do is to stop asking the question of happiness and the word ‘should’.
I suspect its not in my nature to be “happy†at least as it image society defines it (part of the problem with being happy is thinking that it must be a certain way as presented by others). And the truth is I’m happiest when I’m not happy!
At least I’ve stopped using my friends to feel better about myself, or worse if the case may be.
i understand what you’re saying, but that is not what i meant. i don’t tell people how i’m feeling in hopes that they’ll make me feel better or worse, i dont tell people how i’m feeling period.. most of them could just sort of tell when i’m not my happiest or they see things that lets them know i’m contemplating suicide. but all they tell me is that i shouldnt die. my point to writing this was to let people know my views on suicide when it comes to myself at least. people telling me im pretty or kind or worth it and shit like that doesnt help simply because i know they dont know me.
and yes, i think right now that i should be happier than i was a month ago because i have someone in my life who doesnt make me feel alone (which is my worst fear, being completely alone). but i’m not happier necessarily.
clearly you misunderstood what i wrote.
Sorry if I misunderstood
Words as you know are such messing things.
It still sounds to me that your friends and family are coming from a place of fear.
You say you should be happy because you have a boy friend and cat but I’m not sure why you should think that.
I can’t tell you how many times I got myself in similar messes. I think I should be happy, I’m not, but I think I should, but I’m not…. each repetition building on the other and till all I can do is scream!
I found my way out by changing the way I view concept of happiness and maybe someday you find away as well.
Just to clarify when I say it sounds like your friend and family are coming from a place of fear it not intended to imply that what they are saying or doing is ok.
Only that it is understandable. (understaniding does not make something ok or let anyone of the hook it just makes us better at dealing with things.)
Actually the indent of my post was not to understand you (who I cannot ‘know’ and don’t presume to) but address the issue I think we have all been in of being on both sides of the equation.
Being the person in pain and the person trying to help.
I would very much be interested in hearing how you would respond to someone who was experiencing and expressing (verbally or not) a pain similar to yours?
what my friends and family are saying comes from the fact that they don`t listen to me when i speak. they never have. thats what i said in the post. like they`ll assume shit after i clearly told them it wasn’t true. they ignore me. everybody except for two people.
and again, its not that i should be happy, its that i should feel some sort of happiness because i know im really grateful that my girlfriend is in my life. i guess im just upset that having her isnt making me feel the way i know most people with someone as wonderful as she is would feel.
i’ve dealt with people expressing similar pain as i have, surprisingly, most of the people i associate with on a daily basis have similar pain. plus all those who think i feel this way only know like 1/5th of it; imagine if they knew about everything, thats when i’d understand if their words are being said out of fear. i respond to people with similar pain the same way those two people in my life seem to do it with me. basically, i listen to them. i think thats key. then i talk to them, i stay by them. shit like that. it seems to usually help them in some way.
Thats the thing with fear, when someone is experiencing it, it becomes really hard to listen.
I’m sorry that your friends and family aren’t able to hear you.
I think your right, the best thing someone can do when responding to those in pain is to be present to them. I find it best not to say to much, or offer advice.
wow this is me.