I’m back in school since the winter break. I have a few things on my mind, including the finals in 2 weeks.
My to-do list includes:
Apply for jobs (already applied at McDonald’s and the Habit, also need an auto shop for an internship for my auto class)
I need to find a recruiter for the military
Start a workout regimen that doesn’t mess up a schhedule i guess i have to compile since i will have to balance 8 hours of an internship and a normal part time job.
need to either find weed or get the psychologist to analyze me for my possible moderate depression and most likely OCD. And I am contemplating on this as an option since it may disqualify me from getting into the military.
I would like to join the military for a few reasons. First off, it’s benefits seem good enough, and it will help me have a scheduled life determined by someone else so i can at least have 4 years of control. Having been able to determine where i have beeen these next four years. I want to be able to get experience from active duty, possibly frontlines Marines. get some action. Clear my head so that i dont always dream of becoming a uniformed soldier. Get the government to help pay for a scholarship. Also learning to fire a gun is a good thing.
Best of all I will feel comfortable having a rifle by my side in case life gets too unbearable. It sounds much better than being in college possibly, with no sure-fire way of suicide. And being bored in a classroom learning about crap i may not care about.
I understand the risks of PTSD and possibly it being worse to be depressed and joining the military. I keep asking whether the scholarships and benefits and whether or not getting a psychologist to evaluate me would disqualify me from being in the service. Most point to disqualification, but I’m not 100% sure.
I’m somewhat suicidal i guess, I would love to die, but i dont have motivation to do so. I’m trying to wait another four years until things get better. it seems like the meaning of life involves having hope for a better future, it sounds more like a lost cause. Just like the idea of religion believing that we need to be faithful to god. Maybe it is bullshit for the masses so their minds dont wander. Well at least those people didnt have to worry about depression.
Anyways this is all I can say. Other than that i fear i may be desiring to “fall in love” again. I keep telling myself that i should sort my own problems out (which include getting a psychologist to help me out) before tackling a relationship. But my OCD makes me obsess over another girl, just like my obsession with going insane, must be OCD.
I think these dreams that i had may be linked to my anxiety, because during the dream things got magnified in confusing ways , like focusing on something too much. My moms bf’s dad spoke to me about hanging out with friends instead of staying at home and he spent extra long and i was getting anxiety and my focus on him and anxiety caused me to feel like i was magnifying on him looking at every detail of him. It was nerve-wracking and i hate it. I was also speechless as he spoke to me i tried to pay attention but he talked too much and merely nodded my head at him hoping he would shut up already.
Gah anyways. I already miss my group chats with Nobody915, Puppet, dead, our small little group. I miss our slightly old times… -_-
5 comments
Also thus far fallinf in love has involved some sort of complication. Nycolle was overtly popular and way outta my leauge and i have no chance. Jasmine is my cousin and even so she ended up moving away. Nobody915 and I are miles and miles away and there is a very low chance of us ever meeting and then also i screwed it up with someone else who got in between us so either way its screwed. And again i feel if i get too close to a pretty girl then i will fall for them obsessively as well and screw it all up again especially if i meet them online with us having little to no chance of ever meeting.
I love my weed, I went a whole year without smoking cause I was planning on joining the air force, turns out Asthma is an instant disqualifier. So now I sit in my apartment, alone, contemplating suicide. My guitar helps, but a person to hold would be even better. I have never had a girlfriend, and I am a virgin, I am 20 years old, will be 21 in two weeks. You ever had the dream of all your teeth falling out? Supposedly that translates to your life going out of control, I get that one pretty often, or eating glass, which translates to regrets of something you have said. Anyway I know how you feel, I wouldn’t reccomend joining the Corps if you are depressed though, the PTSD will just make it worse. My cousin is in the Corps and he’s been on only one deployment and already has signs of PTSD.
although im a girl i wish i had joined the military when i had the age for it… i regret i havent then, but Luke, i was kinda curious about the dream thing too. what does it mean if you keep on dreaming youre falling off and you never hit the floor? and the number 13? just curious, maybe i can understand somethings better. 🙂
@RogueShadow1281
Life on barracks was truly the only place I belonged. Reveille, go for a pack march, brekkie, fire off some rounds downrange, trade war stories, the list goes on. If anything, go for it mate! You will not regret it.
The D.Is will physically and mentally destroy you but they recreate you into a new person. Adapt, improvise and overcome is what you Marines say.
Anyway, best of luck with everything going forward and I hope it all turns out good for you.
Thank you all for the help, I hope the military is the right choice as I am betting all my chips on it. Hopefully it helps me and gets me off this obsession with joining.