So does anyone feel like me and want to commit suicide in a lame way – not quickly, but just by not taking care of myself and not worrying about consequences?
I’m afraid to actually kill myself quickly and noticeably because I don’t want people to think poorly of me. I know, it’s stupid, I’d be dead.  I just have been through a lot and I don’t see life worth living.  So why not just have fun, not care about what situations I put myself in, and then whatever happens happens?
Or is that too slow a process? There’s a lot of pain while waiting. Â What else can I do? Â I’m too much of a coward to kill myself conventionally.
15 comments
I guess living life on the edge is a better option than dieing by suicide. What sorts of things did you have in mind? Are you planning on going skydiving or some other risky stuff?
I think most of the world does this subconsciously… you’re kind of owning it. So really… who’s lame? You might be afraid of killing yourself in a quick way but that could also be taken to mean that you’re just no sold on it yet… you sound pretty sad. I relate. I stopped thinking I was lame. I think everyone else is. Probably just another layer of BS. But really, everything kind of is…
I wasn’t thinking of extreme sports, really. Going out into “dangerous” parts of town, drinking a lot, I mean that sounds like fun while waiting to die, right? Or not taking medication for my health issues, that could work as well. Combine those two and I could see something happening. I’m sure when I’m drunk I’ll think of better ideas.
People smoke even though they know the risks… same with having unsafe sex… eating lousy diets… not making time to exercise… not making life sustaining choices… it’s all extremely slow and painful ways to bring yourself to death sooner.
I think most people choose death over life quite often. People can say what they want but in the end… what do they choose to do?
Having the nerve/ consciousness to admit that you are unhappy and able to see that you are making certain choices takes a certain level of intelligence. courage, and maturity most lack.
If you could find a way to turn your death impulse into a life impulse… I would suggest that. We need people who are honest and aware. We all die too soon.
I just can’t make any decisions, never mind the wrong ones. I no longer have any friends, and I my divorce will be finalized in about a month or so. My work is suffering and my pay there barely gets me by week to week as it is. I don’t really have anyone to turn to for real advice or help which is why I’m here. Obviously I care too much about what people think, even when they haven’t been good friends to begin with. So again, I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. If I have no happiness to look towards, what is there?
I’m not sure. But I think you contradicted yourself in your first sentence… you seem to be making a lot of decisions you are not realizing are decisions that you have made. This is my point of view and I won’t bore you with it unless you’d like to know. Also, while I have heard that divorce is difficult and I know first hand the stress and poverty affect a person… it sounds like a double ended sword kind of situation in your case. Divorce sucks but is also a new beginning. Being broke sucks but you can find a way to make it work for you or to try to improve your situation. Now do you want to? Do you feel it in your gut to change?
Writing here tells me you’d like to. That was one of the decisions you made. You are looking for support. That is a step toward life.
No you wouldn’t bore me, that’s why I posted, to hear something positive I suppose. I am feeling very contradictory. I want to be dead and just have this pain end. But I don’t want to die in case, somehow, something will get better. I’ve just had that wish before, for things to improve, and they don’t.
That’s kinda what I’ve been doing for a long time, except for brief spells of true happiness. If we can make it easier to die, why not? Problem is I’ve been doing some of it for about 16 years (mostly NOT suicidal during that time, either) and I’m still alive. So yes, it can be very slow. Too much left to chance. But I do like thinking that should something happen, it “doesn’t count” as suicide (or an attempt) so people won’t be as hurt, or as angry.
And I got myself into a bad situation recently… yet still called 911. It was dangerous but had more potential for me to suffer for a long time than actually die, so. I also realized part of me wants to do it on my own terms and when I have things in order. Another part of me doesn’t want to do it… wants to be rescued… but can’t seem to rescue myself.
I felt like you do for a long time. Hope is the only thing that gave me reason to resist doing it. But then again, I could not stop thinking about leaving this world by just killing myself. So I came up with a plan.
I have this list I made of things I need to do before I die. You could call it a bucket list.
My family knows that I want to end my life and they don’t agree. But they understand.
I want my family and friends to remember me for who I am now and what I have done.
So this list contains important things I need to complete before I die.
Im at peace for what I want to do. Not afraid and I know theres no easy way to do it.
But I am not afraid anymore.
If there is a peace of advise I can give u, it is that I don’t think you want to do this and therefore you should take your time, no matter how painful it is and lonely you get. And as time passes you might change your mind. Make friends, talk about how you feel, not just over the internet, but in person. Waiting to do it and planning things out helps too, because at least your at peace. But putting yourself in danger like that might get sum1 else killed in the process. Somebody could see you being assaulted and try to help and get killed as well. You would not want that to happen, you sound like a good person.
I don’t know if things for us will get better and I cant promise it will, but by doing this list, helping others even though I have nothing myself. Makes me happy. And the further down this list I go things look like it might change for me. Become better. Make a list of things you can do for others not just yourself. Who knows your luck could change even mine.
Thanks, Warren. I am trying to take my time and let my life play out as it may, hoping that things get better and I find a good friend or something that improves my position in life.
I change my mind not only daily, but hourly, it seems. I can be very hopeful about the future and then an hour later feel like all I can do is cry, and there is no hope or anything worth the heartache. But I’m trying to focus on the good.
I felt that eveyone has left me behind, my dad molested me when i was 5 and some cousins tried the same around that age then again my try when i was 11, my mom hs never belived me, she thinks he is a nice man even if he hits her, gets drunk often and treats her bad, he used to watch porn with my little sister and i in the room, i have always been told that im a disturbance a weight that nobody wants…when i was a teenager no boy could come close to me, actually they ran away from me….my shelter is always music and books and movies so i can live those stories and not my own somehow i managed to get good grades and scolarships for my university, there two men tried to slept with me but when i refused i got called a slut, and the other told me he was with me because he wanted to make a friend jelous, im currently finishing the carreer but i cant move foward, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 19 and all the medication has messed with my body i am now overweight, hair-er, this year my dog mila (a girl) of 8 years died of heart failure and we adopted a young boy named silver and he is sick, 2 weeks ago my father in law died and i standed by my then boyfriend (we lasted 4 years ) to recolect the body and the service and burial, somehow 3 days ago he told me that he cant stand me for my rollercoaster feelings and that im not goodlooking anymore, i have friends but they only care for me so they can feel better about their lives, last october i finnaly was able to confront my dad and he tried to slap me, threw my mom to the ground and my sister and mom went to support his side, my mom continusly yells at me and i have to deliver my graduation degree in two days and i have a lot of work to do, i dont have prospects to have a job cause of my diagnosis, im constantly told that im usless and rude i dont wanna continue try fixing all the issues in my life im tired and want to die
Hey, MN…I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. I posted something else recently, just laid all of it out and talked about what I had dealt with recently (not as much as you, I can assure you). But just to have someone validate that I *had* been through a lot and it was OK, and that it was good that I was still going after all that…well, it helped.
You have lived through an INSANELY complicated and troubled set of circumstances, and at least you are willing to talk about it. That’s good. I definitely understand the feeling of just being tired and wanting it all to end, trust me.
Right now, the only thing keeping me going is the unknown (in a good way) – just holding out that something good WILL happen and I don’t want to miss it. For you, it may be something different that allows you to keep going…but I guess that’s all we can do, talk about it and hope that we can hold off long enough to find something that works, that keeps us going.
I know for me, I can be OK for a while and then all the negativity comes rushing back and I feel like shit again. And if talking about it here or somewhere else helps me to get through that patch and want to live again, that’s all I can ask for.
Do you have any plans to maybe move to a new location after you graduate? Maybe just getting away from all the negative influences and horrible memories with family members would be a good thing, and could make you want to live again?
I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE I AM SO LONELY. I AM 44 YEARS OLD AND DO NOT FIT IN ANYWHERE. I AM NOT SCARED OF DEATH. I KNOW THIS IS NOT RIGHT AND MY DAUGHTER STAYS DEPRESSED A LOT AND HAS CONSIDERED IT TOO. iF I DO IT, THAT LEAVES A BAD EXAMPLE FOR HER. BUT I AM SO TIRED OF NOT FITTING IN ANYWHERE. I HATE REMAINING HERE NOT KNOWING WHEN I MAY GO OR HOW LONG I HAVE TO WAIT. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME AND I HAVE NOT ANYONE LIKE ME TO TALK TO BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE ME. I ALSO HATE PAIN. I FEEL REALLY BAD SO PLEASE BE KIND IN YOUR RESPONSES AND EVEN ANY CRITICISMS (HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT). BYE.
Hi I just joined this site. I’ve been suicidal most of my life. I feel the same way you do. I don’t feel its wrong to feel this way. Probably cuz I’ve always felt this way. My older brother killed himself which has so far prevented me from doing the same. My mom died in November and I’ve been steadily going down hill. I know I’m loved but I don’t understand why. Anyways if anyone wants to talk I am here.
I feel the same way Raven. I hope you are still there. Let me know if you want to chat.