what i think is not what i think. my brain thinks whatever it wants to think, not what i want to think. its like i think without thinking.
[A suicide note draft from my notebook]
At the time I am writing this, the sun is rising. I’ve always kind of had a soft spot for the sunrise. Especially when you stay up all night to watch it. Waking up just to see the sunrise is nice too, however, I think it’s a lot harder to wake up than stay up.
I have good memories of sunsets, but a part of me likes sunrises more because I don’t have as many memories tied to them.
The night sky is also extremely calming, but it has the ability to fill you up with adrenaline.
At one of my old houses, the night sky was easily seen through my window, and the moon brought me comfort. A few years ago, back when I was younger, I read a book called ‘Every Soul A Star’. It wasn’t Shakespearean or anything, but I loved it. I would read it over and over again. It brought a new love for stars and space, and I wanted to learn and see all of the constellations our universe had to offer. I didn’t really get to, as one thing led to another, and I eventually kind of grew out of it. However, a part of it hasn’t left.
I’m resting now, and I’ll soon leave this world; naturally or otherwise. I feel oddly content, perhaps numb, despite my intentions behind writing this. Farewell my friend; I hope this letter wasn’t too annoying, what with me babbling for the most part. I’ll attempt to leave now.
See you later, Alligator
(you guys can see why I decided this one wouldn’t work)
I don’t know what to do or anything….I’m lonely, alone, worthless, not anything but a waste of space, time, effort…anything. I would give my life story but have so many times, would also be a book…i type too much. I annoy others I just gwt in the way. I have tourettes, as well as many mental issues some self diagnosed, others not,
I have many health problems like celiac disease, back issues, jaw messed up, etc.
I try to make friends, but everyone gets tired of the way I talk or I’m plain boring. I’m married and trying to get divorces…middle of it. He is extremely narsisistic which isn’t a bad thing as is, but he lacks…wanting to give me emotional support, so many bad things have happened.
I can hardly interact with others, i cry too much and is causes tics and people to think im bad or “crazy” i just want to be treated kindly…im sorry scolding makes me cry. I try to do good but make things worse….i dont want kids so he says he wants a mistress to make one or leave me…yet says im the one leaving though i have nowhere to go, nobody, nothing…says Im leaving cause the lack of pregnancy..,though i said from the start i never wanted one….always says how useless i am..
I am not able to get a job at all…never. i have never had a “normal” job…just my art.,,but i feel there is no point to that either.
Everyone hates me.and says what a bad person i am when I just try to be good,..i never want others to experiencemyp a in so why am I always,…
Im not worth living, I a anna disapear and try but im scared causw i want to live i just wanna be happy and feel like i deserve it and be with someone i love but o am not evsn worth friendship.
Have you ever f*cked up a situation or friendship that you honestly believed was unf*ckable? That you believed was foolproof, with no f*ckabilty ratio?
I did that yesterday..and it sucks.
I just thought I could open up more, to someone I have been trying to open up to for a few years now. It is not a relationship, but it was helping me get through some things. I considered him to be a friend. And now he sees me as a crazy, depressed, hopeless loon; so I lost another friend.
Here’s to another birthday knowing that I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut when it comes to my life.
I’m very upset today, about so much..it’s too much to write. I wanted to feel better today- thankful for another year of life..but I feel very tired. Just exhausted. And I can’t tell anyone.
I guess this is why anonymity is so popular these days.
So I just got a 90 on a quiz. My parents were mad because I didn’t get a 100. My parents starting yelling at me “HOW DUMB ARE YOU??”. I don’t think I’m dumb. I hate them. I have no self-esteem because of them.
Imperfection What is perfect to me?
I always thought that being a perfect person was to one, just be skinny. That was the main point, to be skinny. Everyone loves skinny girls, right? No one loves fat, but apparently that’s all I have. That’s my blanket around my bones.
I look at my reflection every single day and just examined myself, and my flaws. I stare at how my hips are wide and how fat covers every inch, also on how my shoulders are wide and broad. I look at my small breast and my fat thighs. I look at my scars that are painted across my arms and thighs.
When I do look at myself in the mirror and I wonder,”Why do I have to be me?” Sometimes I just walk past girls and I envy them for being so beautiful so perfect. I wish I could be like them, I love how much confidence they have as they walk or how beautiful they look at all times. Everyone looks so beautiful in my eyes, but when I look in the mirror I cry.
Today I cried, I cried for being so ugly! For being so imperfect I hate being myself. I hate waking up to another day of torture. I hate going to school and I hate all the people there. It’s so hard to on how everyone has someone. Then there’s me the girl who is never going to be good enough for anyone. She’s just too ugly for my own good.
Im just the girl that everyone hates.
But don’t worry I hate myself too.
I’m old now. I wasted my youth being too scared to go out and have fun. Instead i worked at a crappy department store using my money to help my family out of endless drama until I was thinking about killing myself every day. So I re enrolled in college with big plans to be a art teacher. Today I failed the $90 Praxis exam for the 4th time. I was not even close. I’ve missed the deadline to be screened into the education program again and will have to wait another year. This is the only thing I’ve ever tried to to for myself, just for me. But I failed again. I’m a loser. I live at home with my parents, I’m fat and ugly, and I don’t really have any friends. I hate myself. I want to die right now but I don’t want to go to hell or have my family have to pay back my student loans. I’m going to look into finding a way my family wont have to pay back my loans and if I can do it I think I’m going to let go. If God isn’t real and I just stopped existing I would be ok with that. Really I have been thinking about it for a long time and Not existing would be better than all this misery and pain. I don’t know I just wanted to tell someone without them calling the police on me or making me feel guilty. The only thing i am actually good at is working like a dog and spending all my money on my family. I’m a mistake.
I feel tired. And it’s no loner a lethargic exhaustion. It is no longer a physical over exhertion due to the lack of calories. I just am tired of everything. I am tired of being the wierdo in my family, friends, at work, and everywhere I go. I am tired of trying to make everyone laugh and happy, and then being called annoying and a fag. I am tired of doing things for people that have and will never be retured. I am tired of people hating me, for being slower than them. I am tired of not being able to unlock my full potential due to my shortcommings as a human being. I am tired of people telling me that maybe I am the problem, specifically the ones who know that I said that, I tried changing, and I then attempted to commit suicide because what they told me was something I know for a fact. I am tired of people lying to me to make me feel better. A) It doesn’t even work anymore, B) Is there really nothing good about me? I am tired of staying quiet to not offend people who wouldn’t do the same. As a matter of fact, they do the opposite constantly. On that same note, I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of turning the other cheek. I am sick and tired of not being able to do evil onto others because of the way I was raised. I’m sick and tired of being suck a pitiful subpar human being, that I have to take pills, JUST TO ATTEMPT TO TRY TO STAY NEUTRALLY BOUYANT. Because everyone has giving up on trying to help me float. I am tired of fighting, WHY? FOR WHAT? WHAT IS THERE TO FIGHT FOR? I am tired of the only people who want to help others are those who are also in pain, since the rest of them are unempathic psychopathic cunts. I am tired of giving people chances and overlooking their flaws. I am tired of of being tired all the time because I am never hungry and thus the lack of calories makes me tired. I am tired of being a little *****. I am tired of people thinking that I don’t know how evil they truly are. I am tired of these people not realizing that I am probably the only person who has truly overlooked their flaws and that that is no reason to torment me. I am tired of idiots who i actually hate thinking that I do like them just because unlike their cunty shitty selves, I can be polite to those who I hate and don’t act upon my hate. I am tired of knowing that I am a bastard child of two people who could’ve been sooo succesful had they not been idiots and had sex with out strings attatched. These idiods gave me the worst sicknesses of them all, life and by doing so and bringing me to this specific world they condemned me to death. I don’t understand why they decided mating was a good idea. My mother was SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. Of all the men she could’ve chosen the one they told her no. I hope she’s happy now, because I sure as hell am not… and I let her know it every time I get the chance. I can’t say I love you anymore. I no longer feel that way. My uncle who kinda had a brain, rancorous till death hates my mother, but “loves me”. That fucker thought he played me into giving him part of my inheritance. If only he knew that as soon as he had the nerve to try to trick me, I deleted him from my love list along with my parents. Ironically, my little cousin, his daughter is probably the only person besides my first friend, that I love. If I wasn’t a fucking fag, I would’ve been with her. I am sick of preferring men over women to a 99 percentile, mainly because I am too much of a chicken shit pussywillow (lol) to make moves on girls. I’m tired of not being cute enough for anyone who I like. I am tired of being so god damned shallow. I am tired of being so stupid. I am tired of me and the circumstances that sorround me. I’m done.
Autism has destroyed my life ever since I was a child and it doesn’t seem like a cure is anywhere in the near future. My whole life I’ve had great hopes and dreams, to become a historian and travel the world. On the outside I am living that dream. I just graduated from ASU summa cum laude with a 4.o, prestigious universities are offering me scholarships for grad school, and now I am living in Bulgaria, one of the countries I’ve always loved studying and next month I will be travelling to Serbia, another country of interest. It all sounds so great, but I’ve had a problem even basically communicating with others my whole life because I can’t read body language, I can’t form the right words (no matter what I say it’s always the wrong thing and people are really cruel when it comes to correcting me). I could barely even keep a minimum wage job through school because simple fucking questions that anyone else in the world could answer without hesitation confuse my worthless retarded shriveled piece of shit brain.
My #1 coping mechanism has been to punch myself in the mouth as hard as I can possibly stand every time I say something even remotely wrong, especially if people are mean to me about it. I fucking hate when people ask me questions. I get so confused and my head hurts, even if it’s an easy question to answer, to the point I get hostile until people stop asking me things, which isn’t fair to them. I’ve hit my jaw so much that it’s dislodged and my right ear is permanently damaged; if I even touch it it makes a loud roaring sound and my hearing has decreased noticeably. I’ve chipped teeth and have developed TMJ, which only makes life more pleasant. This is because I’m such a retard I thought it’d have less permanently effects than cutting.
I’m too stupid too communicate with anyone here in Bulgaria and have severe panic attacks whenever I try. I’m too stupid to talk to people in English, so I don’t know what delusion overcame me to think I could possibly contact anyone here in Bulgarian. I’m too stupid to figure out how public transportation works so I can’t really visit anything outside of Sofia. I can hardly even visit anything within Sofia because I am too stupid to follow basic directions and people keep making fun of me for it instead of helping me when I ask. My host has been nice, but he has a whole life outside of me. I feel like I came here for nothing and my dreams are dying around me.
I’m living proof that great grades has nothing to do with intelligence. I’d give anything to at least be average intelligence with average grades. All my grades prove is that I don’t have a life and have plenty of time to memorize shit and edit essays. That’s literally all it says about me. Yet people see my accolades and over-estimate my intelligence constantly and I am fucking SICK of it!!! They keep telling me “you just don’t believe in yourself” when I have REAL disabilities that make it difficult for me to complete daily tasks. I guess I’m just too “”high functioning”” for them to see that.
I’m a girl and every support group I see regarding depression and self-harm has to do with self image. I truly feel for women who have these issues, I really do, but I don’t care what I look like and don’t need support to improve my body image. I need support to improve my image about my mind, but no one seems to acknowledge that girls who hate themselves because of their brains exist.
I’m due to come home from Serbia on October 27, 2016. I would love to stay and teach English and study the country, but I’m obviously not intelligent enough to live my dreams. I’m too stupid to have kids too which I very much want. Besides, I don’t want them to inherit this life destroying disease… So in short, on October 27, I’m going to finally end my life. I won’t have anything to look forward to after that. I know my parents won’t like it but I quite frankly don’t care because they’ve told me I am not allowed to move back in despite the fact I’m too stupid to keep even a basic job. If I don’t kill myself I’ll end up homeless. I’d rather be dead.
So this is my first post on this site and I am going to talk about something that just happened in my life and nearly -or did- messed up my efforts and trashed my hopes… I don’t even know why I am writting this here but I guess I have nothing to lose, that’s all… But just before really getting started, I just want to warn that I am French so I am really sorry if I do mistakes 😡 >.<
I struggle with depression and self-harm for now over a year. I did my first cut just before the start of April 2015. I had many up and down and no one really for me in real life. The only person that really helped me was people that I met on the internet but to get over something like this, you need help from friends in real life… I finished by asking to a friend some help, but she gave me only little help… but I will be thankful to her forever and she stills help. The first “friend” that I had that “really” helped me was my crush. My girl crush (I’m a girl) who made me realized I was bisexual. I asked her for help not because I loved her but because of something that happened but that’s not important.
She helped me a lot. She was there to listen to everything I needed to say, she was careful to not leaving me alone and was here to help me to stop cutting. For many months, I hide my love for her, being afraid to lose her as a friend if she rejected me. But then, I just could not hide it anymore. She knew all my dark secrets except this one. Last Tuesday, I told her before “running away” like I always do when I say something deep about my feelings (yes I am a coward ^^’). At first, she was nearly trying to run after me as I did everything to avoid her like the coward that I was, knowing that she was not feeling the same way about me. Then, I stopped ruining away, and we did like I never told her about my feelings and I was relieved that she was not running away from me like I did.
The next day, Wednesday, whe had sail, we had a little competition, together. It was soooooo weird and tense between us at the start but while going back to our town by car, things stopped being awkward, we acted as the friends we used to be and even text after that we went separate ways. In France, there was no school (yeah I still go to school) on this Thursday and Friday so we only saw each other on Friday at my 15th birthday sleepover (yeah I still do this dumb thing ^^’). It was really weird between us. Too weird.
She left this morning with my other friends and I texted her latter on because I wanted to tell her that I had found something to help me to stop cutting (because I started a little again and in the past few days, I am one week clean today, I had trouble to do not start again even during my birthday party because even then I was feeling like if I was not at the right place). The hours passed by (right now it’s 7pm21 in France), she did not answer and I finished my realized that she will not answer. This just broke me… I don’t know what to do… During months I did not said anything about my love because I knew that if I lose her, I will probably be not able to fight my depression… And I lost her. I don’t even know why to keep living, I have no freaking goal, nothing to look foward to…
So to anyone on here that kind of knows me, no I’m still not dead :(, and yes I was supposed to be. Everything imploded and I was all set to get on outta here.
Then things looked up for a brief moment. Hope is dangerous. I was ready to die, why didn’t I just do it?? Now I’m scared again. Because I thought maybe I could stick around for a bit, but that’s turning out not to be true.
I’m right back where I was, only now I’m afraid.
How do I tell my angry, complaining mother that:
“NO- You are not accompanying me tomorrow to the hospital for the follow-up” (after being sent to the E.R.)
How do I bring it up?
She’s going to react like, “SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BLOODY (SWEAR WORDS) You got yourself into this! Stupid idiot! Now I have to come” (complain).
I feel stupid. I said good bye and I couldn’t do it. Took all my meds, tied the rope, had the noose around my neck but the pain was so strong, I couldn’t do it. Ended up sleeping for 2 days again and with a sore throat. How the fuck can depressed teenagers hang themselves from doorknobs and in closets? HOW?
Why can’t I just sleep forever? Sleeping feels so good. Everytime I wake up I think ‘Oh, fuck, again, a new day to survive’.
I am so fucking stupid.
Hollow smiles and empty days
Fading light and lonely nights
A struggle to find what’s been lost
A fight that never ends
Watching time slip away
I’m just trying for one reason right now, but I already fucked everything up in my life. Symptoms are getting worse, and the worst time of the year is coming up again. Fun.
I have what seems like a perfect life, but i want out. I have a wonderful caring boyfriend that spoils me with love and affection but it isn’t enough and never will be because i do not love myself. When I look in the mirror all I see is failure. I don’t have a job, can’t keep a job or go back to school.. My social anxiety is a serious problem and the depression isn’t helping either. Living with memories of abuse i suffered as a child really gets to me and my thoughts are uncontrollable, it’s like it just keeps repeating over and over in my mind. I want to run away from everything. But I feel like a selfish person for wanting to leave such a wonderful man behind that has taken care of me for so long. I just want to be left alone and hopefully find out who i was supposed to be. Im an empty shell of a human waiting on life to find me but i can’t, my sadness keeps me locked away in my home.. I want out.
Today is so shitty . And I don’t know why. I’m sad . And angry today . I’m so tired too . I’m sitting in the back at work because I feel like I’m gonna be sick. And I listen to this song . It reminds me of me . I’m sad . Life is horrible . and I don’t like my life . I don’t think I amhappy . I am happy when I get new clothes , or my love talks to me. or when I eat food . But other than that I hate life . I am always so fucking tired . LITERALLY. The second I wake up I can’t wait to go back to bed … I am always so tired I don’t even hang out with friends anymore . And I’ve gained weight . Well better get back to my shitty ass job … I’m s supervisor so I have to watch everyone .. Awesome 😉
I don’t actually want to kill myself. I want to live. I want to not just breathe. I want to live. I’m constantly feeling like I’m dying. I have dreams, I have goals, I want to live. So why can’t I!!! Why is my life one huge disappointment after another! Why is everything extra fucking hard for me! Why can’t I be normal!!!! Why do I even suck at my suicide attempts!!! I can’t do shit right.
I was first diagnosed with depression in my teens. I was supposed to be medicated but No my parents wouldn’t do that. I left home early to get away from abuse and thought I was running towards love. I was wrong. I tried going to hospitals for help but I had no insurance so it was like I didn’t exist. Years went by and I got worse. Eventually I snapped and tried to kill myself. Recently I found out I have a heart condition and had to go to the hospital. They told me not to work. I applied for Social Security but it’s taking forever. My relatives know all this. I was forced to live with my mother and she’s incredibly rude and nasty. I had to fight with her to finally get medication for my mental health. She has no respect for me and talks to me like I’m garbage. She even expects me to give her my entire paycheck when I have been able to work. It’s like when I was a teenager she screams about money, threatens to kill herself and talks to me like I’m Satan. She could care less if I have anything at all for myself. Her asshole friends post anti gay crap on Facebook and she likes it. She publicly humiliates me to make herself feel good. She just started screaming at me again. I know she never loved my biological father, he had money and she wanted it. She only had children to make damn sure he was financially screwed when she finally left him. I’m severely depressed, have PTSD, a heart condition, and I’m shaking from anxiety right now. What the fuck wrong with a person that knows someone is sick and yet they just abuse them nonstop.
Mkay so hi call me Crystal im 12 dont judge plz
So recently my life has been fucked up. I live in Indonesia and yes im asian. But i just moved to this shitty place called Thailand and gonna fucking live there for 3 fucking years.
That wasnt so bad although im FORCED to leave my loved ones back there.
Everything was quite good until school came.
Yeah school, the worst place ever in my fucking life.
And yes, school sucks. Theres too many boys and i dont fucking like one of them. And there are too many people there and i cant fucking take it anymore. I hate social life, i hate public, i hate ppl, i hate crowds. And i dont want to fucking date even if im 16 and my mom will probably fucking kill me if i dont have a bf, nice.
And an interesting fact about me before u guys comment like “OH BE OPEN TOWARDS PPL” is I CANT FUCKING TALK OKAY.
I cant talk to someone irl srsly.
I can only talk in social medias. And i like being a ***** in social medias.
You’ll probably be like “Oh find someone to talk to” but thats not easy for me coz i have no one in this world that i can trust and talk to.
Im always awkward irl and i really cant talk to ppl, and i like to cheat and be such a ***** in social medias, or multiplayer games (ex: Minecraft).
And here comes my family, its not good because i cant choose my own fucking way and my brother is such an asshole, and my mom is gonna give birth. And its gonna be my fucking brother. I hate it so much.
Sometimes i wonder like “why cant i be like her, so lucky and free?” But ik one thing that i cant be her because, look. Im crystal, not her. So i cant be her or like her.
Ik my situation is kinda lame, but yknow as a 12 year old dumb ***** who fucking sucks a dick and an asshole, its hard. U guys never know how this feels, okay.
And i realize that i just want fame. I cant lay my eyes onto a different prize or something. I fucking want fame. But yknow what, its not possible. I cant do anything because i cant dance, i dont have any talent and my voice fucking sucks. I cant go into a vocal training thing because like i said before, my family is being a *****. I cant have freedom. And im not confident and super duper shy.
I started making a youtube channel monthssss ago and look, i got only 2 subs! Yay. ?
And i wonder like WHY THE FUCK THEY HAVE TO EVEN HAVE A GOOD VOICE, GOOD ACCENT, GOOD ENGLISH AND STUFF?!?!?! Yeah God isnt treating me fair like the others.
I stop calling my instagram idol senpai because that makes the situation worse. And it makes me feel that i want to be like them.
Right rn im gonna stop right here mkay.
I’d actually managed to forget what hollow meant, but hello– again– emptiness.
It’s not just that, of course; when it rains it pours.
Empty and useless and harmful.
Stupid and weak and obnoxious.
Yes, hi there–
Tired and wired and failing.
Well, it can’t all be smooth sailing I suppose–
Painful and wasteful and clumsy.
Willful and pitiful and stumbling.
Okay, sure, yes, but–
Just look how fast you’re crumbling.
Hey wait a minute, I’m–
Don’t you ever get tired of denying it? You’re wasting your time, just give in and start crying again.
From your head to the tips of your toes, from your blood to your brain to your bones, you are empty.
No, no, that way of thinking is a mistake, I really need–
All you’ll ever know how to do is take. There is nothing to hold you together; you feed on others and when they’re empty you wonder what’s happened?
That’s not true, when did you start–
You’re not smart, you know. Not pretty. Not funny. Not kind or fun to talk to. What good are you? What do you have?
I’m not that bad–
Nothing. You have, and you are, nothing. Empty.
Right. I’d forgotten.
As if you ever could.