what i think is not what i think. my brain thinks whatever it wants to think, not what i want to think. its like i think without thinking.
[A suicide note draft from my notebook]
At the time I am writing this, the sun is rising. I’ve always kind of had a soft spot for the sunrise. Especially when you stay up all night to watch it. Waking up just to see the sunrise is nice too, however, I think it’s a lot harder to wake up than stay up.
I have good memories of sunsets, but a part of me likes sunrises more because I don’t have as many memories tied to them.
The night sky is also extremely calming, but it has the ability to fill you up with adrenaline.
At one of my old […]
I don’t know what to do or anything….I’m lonely, alone, worthless, not anything but a waste of space, time, effort…anything. I would give my life story but have so many times, would also be a book…i type too much. I annoy others I just gwt in the way. I have tourettes, as well as many mental issues some self diagnosed, others not,
I have many health problems like celiac disease, back issues, jaw messed up, etc.
I try to make friends, but everyone gets tired of the way I talk or I’m plain boring. I’m married and trying to get divorces…middle of it. He is extremely narsisistic […]
Have you ever f*cked up a situation or friendship that you honestly believed was unf*ckable? That you believed was foolproof, with no f*ckabilty ratio?
I did that yesterday..and it sucks.
I just thought I could open up more, to someone I have been trying to open up to for a few years now. It is not a relationship, but it was helping me get through some things. I considered him to be a friend. And now he sees me as a crazy, depressed, hopeless loon; so I lost another friend.
Here’s to another birthday knowing that I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut when it comes […]
So I just got a 90 on a quiz. My parents were mad because I didn’t get a 100. My parents starting yelling at me “HOW DUMB ARE YOU??”. I don’t think I’m dumb. I hate them. I have no self-esteem because of them.
Imperfection
What is perfect to me?
I always thought that being a perfect person was to one, just be skinny. That was the main point, to be skinny. Everyone loves skinny girls, right? No one loves fat, but apparently that’s all I have. That’s my blanket around my bones.
I look at my reflection every single day and just examined myself, and my flaws. I stare at how my hips are wide and how fat covers every inch, also on how my shoulders are wide and broad. I look at my small breast and my fat thighs. […]
I’m old now. I wasted my youth being too scared to go out and have fun. Instead i worked at a crappy department store using my money to help my family out of endless drama until I was thinking about killing myself every day. So I re enrolled in college with big plans to be a art teacher. Today I failed the $90 Praxis exam for the 4th time. I was not even close. I’ve missed the deadline to be screened into the education program again and will have to wait another year. This is the only thing I’ve ever tried to to for myself, […]
I feel tired. And it’s no loner a lethargic exhaustion. It is no longer a physical over exhertion due to the lack of calories. I just am tired of everything. I am tired of being the wierdo in my family, friends, at work, and everywhere I go. I am tired of trying to make everyone laugh and happy, and then being called annoying and a fag. I am tired of doing things for people that have and will never be retured. I am tired of people hating me, for being slower than them. I am tired of not being able to unlock my full potential […]
Autism has destroyed my life ever since I was a child and it doesn’t seem like a cure is anywhere in the near future. My whole life I’ve had great hopes and dreams, to become a historian and travel the world. On the outside I am living that dream. I just graduated from ASU summa cum laude with a 4.o, prestigious universities are offering me scholarships for grad school, and now I am living in Bulgaria, one of the countries I’ve always loved studying and next month I will be travelling to Serbia, another country of interest. It all sounds so great, but I’ve had […]
So this is my first post on this site and I am going to talk about something that just happened in my life and nearly -or did- messed up my efforts and trashed my hopes… I don’t even know why I am writting this here but I guess I have nothing to lose, that’s all… But just before really getting started, I just want to warn that I am French so I am really sorry if I do mistakes 😡 >.<
I struggle with depression and self-harm for now over a year. I did my first cut just before the start of April 2015. I had […]
So to anyone on here that kind of knows me, no I’m still not dead :(, and yes I was supposed to be. Everything imploded and I was all set to get on outta here.
Then things looked up for a brief moment. Hope is dangerous. I was ready to die, why didn’t I just do it?? Now I’m scared again. Because I thought maybe I could stick around for a bit, but that’s turning out not to be true.
I’m right back where I was, only now I’m afraid.
How do I tell my angry, complaining mother that:
“NO- You are not accompanying me tomorrow to the hospital for the follow-up” (after being sent to the E.R.)
How do I bring it up?
She’s going to react like, “SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BLOODY (SWEAR WORDS) You got yourself into this! Stupid idiot! Now I have to come” (complain).
Help?
I feel stupid. I said good bye and I couldn’t do it. Took all my meds, tied the rope, had the noose around my neck but the pain was so strong, I couldn’t do it. Ended up sleeping for 2 days again and with a sore throat. How the fuck can depressed teenagers hang themselves from doorknobs and in closets? HOW?
Why can’t I just sleep forever? Sleeping feels so good. Everytime I wake up I think ‘Oh, fuck, again, a new day to survive’.
I am so fucking stupid.
Hollow smiles and empty days
Fading light and lonely nights
A struggle to find what’s been lost
A fight that never ends
Watching time slip away
I’m just trying for one reason right now, but I already fucked everything up in my life. Symptoms are getting worse, and the worst time of the year is coming up again. Fun.
Stupid idiot
I have what seems like a perfect life, but i want out. I have a wonderful caring boyfriend that spoils me with love and affection but it isn’t enough and never will be because i do not love myself. When I look in the mirror all I see is failure. I don’t have a job, can’t keep a job or go back to school.. My social anxiety is a serious problem and the depression isn’t helping either. Living with memories of abuse i suffered as a child really gets to me and my thoughts are uncontrollable, it’s like it just keeps repeating over and over […]
Today is so shitty . And I don’t know why. I’m sad . And angry today . I’m so tired too . I’m sitting in the back at work because I feel like I’m gonna be sick. And I listen to this song . It reminds me of me . I’m sad . Life is horrible . and I don’t like my life . I don’t think I amhappy . I am happy when I get new clothes , or my love talks to me. or when I eat food . But other than that I hate life . I am always so fucking tired […]
I don’t actually want to kill myself. I want to live. I want to not just breathe. I want to live. I’m constantly feeling like I’m dying. I have dreams, I have goals, I want to live. So why can’t I!!! Why is my life one huge disappointment after another! Why is everything extra fucking hard for me! Why can’t I be normal!!!! Why do I even suck at my suicide attempts!!! I can’t do shit right.
I was first diagnosed with depression in my teens. I was supposed to be medicated but No my parents wouldn’t do that. I left home early to get away from abuse and thought I was running towards love. I was wrong. I tried going to hospitals for help but I had no insurance so it was like I didn’t exist. Years went by and I got worse. Eventually I snapped and tried to kill myself. Recently I found out I have a heart condition and had to go to the hospital. They told me not to work. I applied for Social Security but it’s taking […]
Mkay so hi call me Crystal im 12 dont judge plz
So recently my life has been fucked up. I live in Indonesia and yes im asian. But i just moved to this shitty place called Thailand and gonna fucking live there for 3 fucking years.
That wasnt so bad although im FORCED to leave my loved ones back there.
Everything was quite good until school came.
Yeah school, the worst place ever in my fucking life.
And yes, school sucks. Theres too many boys and i dont fucking like one of them. And there are too many people there and i cant fucking take it […]
I’d actually managed to forget what hollow meant, but hello– again– emptiness.
It’s not just that, of course; when it rains it pours.
Empty and useless and harmful.
Stupid and weak and obnoxious.
Yes, hi there–
Tired and wired and failing.
Well, it can’t all be smooth sailing I suppose–
Painful and wasteful and clumsy.
Willful and pitiful and stumbling.
Okay, sure, yes, but–
Just look how fast you’re crumbling.
Hey wait a minute, I’m–
Don’t you ever get tired of denying it? You’re wasting your time, just give in and start crying again.
But–
From your head to the tips of your toes, from your blood to your brain to your bones, you are empty.
No, no, […]
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