an update of my decisions, so at one time I can read my thoughts again..
this will be a funny text I think, with a lot of changing my mind:)
this is not a New years decision, it’s been in my head for a while. so, here it is, I have to live somehow for the sake of my parents, I can’t be selfish enough to kill myself while they’re thinking I am a young perspective person with a bright future ahead. I can’t put my ideas before their love, not right now when it’s not unbearable to live, but if it gets harder I might have to put my own benefit before anybody else, anyway,. the other thing is I cannot get close to other people, through the next 10-15 years(I just calculated the time when I think my parents will be dead, i don’t like myself very much right now) I have to have satisfying social life without getting others too involved in my life, so I can be free when the time comes. Now I am horrified of this idea because I am the exact opposite of what I’ve just written. oh, and what to do with my boyfriend..I love him so much and we’ve been together for 3 years now, I want him by my side but I want him to live his life and start a family, have kids, I have to let him go, he’s not going to get that with me. The problem is if I break up with him I will be so miserable I will end my life, and if I don’t I am just fucking up him and his life and I can’t do that to a person I love. really don’t know what to do about that.
these thoughts of mine ended up somewhere blah, I don’t know what to decide. only thing I have decided is that I am keeping my opinions of the world, I am not betraying myself again by trying to live in other people ways. there once was a battle between me and my brain, but the brain has won and I’m okay with that.
17 comments
I am actually going to comment on my own post just because it would be nice to see a comment. hahah grabbing someones attention, no actually I wish to find someone like myself with the same way of thinking or just someone who understands me. I don’t think anyone does, at least so far, and mostly i don’t interest people, me, my posts, my comments, guess i’m boring or stupid or just can’t express myself and present the wrong picture of me. don’t know. just hurting right now, my heart feels like shrinking into a tiny dot and then exploding. my heart is a dying star haha
god, my timing is awful
Trala,
Sorry for not commenting sooner. I didn’t have time and I feel guilty for that.
But now I’m here.
And it sounds like you are a smart person. 🙂 we can talk if you want. I’m here to listen.
Lol your self comment is great. Sorry for the lack of attention, a personal friend was in a bit of crisis and was drawing some attention, so yeah timing was not optimal. I read your post I understand your decison but Have no Idea why it is a decision. Why are you depressed? Abuse, or bipolar or what? I only ask because it is imposible to help someone if you dont know why they are depressed in the first place. So yeah, whats your story tralala
I hope you find happiness
Ruins
sorry for making you feel guilty, not my intention, and you really shouldn’t. thanks for reacting now.
oh my story is, how to say, very selfish. my life has been pretty good and could be right now if I wasn’t so self destructive. I really wish to remove myself of this world and mostly because I think I deserve it. I tried to conquer that demon of mine, but failed and my life has been reduced to surviving for the sake of others for years now.
so while writing this genius post of mine, I realized I am a bit lost and don’t know what to decide. I don’t want to fuck other people up
it takes me a while to answer since english is not my first language, sorry for that
Tralala,
Your english is EXQUISITE for someone whose native language is something else. Also, yeah, me too. I mean, english isn’t my first language either.
But don’t worry about that little guilt-trip. It’s okay!
I think I may need to let Ruins take over for now, because it’s 3 am here now. A few last-minute advices, though…
Life is only one time only and you’re the only one that can change it. Live for yourself. Live for a life that is happy and exciting. Make it exciting! Go out there; meet people, fall in love, go skydiving, learn how to play football, go to Japan, learn chinese, talk to many different people. And what helps the most: helping other people. 🙂 just lurk around here for a bit and try to help others. It helps.
(Also, exercising! Scientific fact it helps!)
Tralala,
Whoops, just found out… Ruins is going to sleep too. You’re stuck with me then 😉 so let’s talk.
No worries about the reply. what is your first language?
I think we have loads in common, especially the bit about being alive for others and your parents. It was like you were reading from my journal. I think we could help each other for definite.
I really would love to talk with you but its 1 in the morning for me and I have to sleep. I will be online tomorrow 2-3 hours prior to this, so 10 or 11pm if you want to chat then.
Goodnight Tralala
Ruins
lol, sorry Sinine, we should organise shifts.
I <3 U
thanks Sinine, I will take you up on your offer. would you mind if we talked through email? I’m letting you go to sleep too 😉 it’s 2am here so i am going to walk my dog and try to sleep afterwards. so thanks for taking your time to talk to me, and if you agree, i’ll email you tomorrow when I wake up?
and Ruins, thank you too. my first language is croatian. i’ll see you here tomorrow night then. good night to you
Tralala,
Yes, emailing is good. You’ve got my email, right? Or do I need to give it to you personally?
I’ve also got a skype and msn, though 🙂
it’s written under your name here.. should I send to that address?
I guess so. 🙂
But tomorrow, kay? A bit sleepy now. Have sweet dreams!
🙂 okay. good night to you then, sleep tight
Hey tral. I felt that all I did was live for others for a long time…and I had no real reason to live for myself. I find myself at times of little value other than to help people.
I was wondering about the time frame. Do you think you’ll harbor these feelings 10-15 years down the road?
yes, it seems quite scary to look at such a long time period. hopefully I can manage to get through and keep myself free so I can commit suicide without hurting others.that is my wish. I don’t think i have the strength for that right now, but i still have my life and I am able to make it my goal in life, helping others in need so i don’t get caught up in my head and not getting too close to anyone, doesn’t seem impossible.
how do you deal with those feelings of worthlessness?
Hay Tralala sorry I am late, I was watching lotr. Maybe we should email instead?
How are you feeling today?
Well I hope.
Ruins