I feel like I live in the past too much it’s like I’m never present. With the way things are now I can’t imagine them ever getting better I admit that I have a horrible habit of making high expectations thinking as a way of feeling better at the moment an odd way of coping I know. I think that I’ve become so used to being depressed that I’ve formed a personality around it  even worse is that I’m afraid of coming out of my depression I have no idea why but I am, yet seeing other people doing well makes me sad and makes me feel worse about myself.
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America is certainly a screwed up place, populated in many instances with morons.
For instance: Want job, or rental security? I’ve run into instances where people cling to employee’s and tenants who have basically stolen from them, because they some how think they will recover their loss’s. How stupid is that?
Once when I worked briefly for a fellow named Bill, there was this thief named Rick who was on the payroll. Rick stole from everyone, and had stolen a non trivial amount of money from Bill. I got all the other employee’s together and we went to Bill as a group and said, either we go, or Rick goes. Your choice. Bill begged us to work with him and accept Rick, because only by keeping Rick did he have any prayer of getting his money back. Rick went down the road, the last time I saw him, was in a store, and he greeted me like a long lost friend. I suppressed the urge to maim him on the spot, told him he disgusted me, and told him I didn’t have much use for thieves. He called me a bigot, and I asked him if he’d like to do something about it. Damn, he decided he didn’t want to get his arms broken.
Once when I rented from a guy named Jack, my room mate was into Jack for a couple thousand in back rent. Not only that, I’m sure he’d murdered the old man who was his previous room mate, by smothering him with a pillow in his sleep. This guy was a con artist, and when I didn’t make myself available to be ripped off, he told Jack that he’d get a job and pay him the money he owed him if Jack tossed me out. Jack came to me and told me to leave, and told me he’d give me back my damage deposit. I said to Jack, are you out of your mind? I have a job, I pay you the rent, this ass hole doesn’t have a job, I got him a job and he wouldn’t go and do it, and you’re going to kick me out? You must be out of your mind? 24 hours later, he told that con artist that he’d pack his stuff for him and buy him a 1 way bus ticket to any where in America, but he had to leave, and do it quick. The guy picked Jacksonville, Florida. About a year later I asked a cop parked outside if he was looking for that guy, he said no, he knew for a fact the guy was in Punta Gorda, Florida. The state pen also happens to be in Punta Gorda. Imagine that.
I wish I could give you an advice, but since we’re kinda on the same page, it would be weird if I told you how you should’t compare yourself with other people and blablabla, but instead i’m gonna go with solidarity and the ,,im right there with you” approach! My Depression and anxiety is currently a big part of my identity. I don’t remember myself without it, so it’s kinda difficult to ,,go back to the good place” when you don’t even remember what it feels like. My current mindset has (in a fucked up way, yes) become my comfort zone. Successful and content people make me angry and jealous and less worthy too.
thank you that comforts me a little