Today was a different day. Today was the worst day. I don’t know why, it just is. Just like the sun sets everyday, today is a bad day. I cried in the shower for a long time – and it wasn’t just simple tears. I cried like I was mourning. And that’s when I realized I was mourning my own death. I feel dead inside, and I don’t think I’ll be able to hold on much longer. Everything keeps getting worse.
I had this urge to talk with my bestfriend/(ex)lover/whatever. From my older posts you will be able to understand what happened. He never replied to my text. But I called him. I called him because I need to say goodbye. I need him to know that there was nothing that he could have done once I’m gone, cus he has lost so many people, I need him to know that what I was talking about was not related with him. Anyways, I’m meeting up with him in a couple hours. I don’t quite know what I’ll say, but I don’t think I’ll tell him about the whole depression/suicidal thoughts. I just want him to be at peace, and to be able to move on once I’m gone. I need to say goodbye somehow.
Lately I fall asleep thinking what I’ll write in my goodbye notes (yes, I want to write one for each person that mean something in my life, I want to try and ease their pain somehow).
Everything is getting darker, and I need to say goodbye.
I don’t know when I will do it, maybe this week, maybe in a couple months, maybe in a few years. But the way I feel now, I want to die right now. So I’ll say my goodbyes – even if I’m not explicit about it, they will understand once I’m gone.
I don’t know if I want help, I don’t know if it would make any difference.
The black hole and I, have became one.
12 comments
Please get help hazeleyes. Your loved ones won’t understand why you chose to take your life instead of asking them for help. Leaving suicide notes really won’t make it easier for them to accept your death. *hug*
Eh, my mother would probably understand it. My dad probably would think I was insane and should had been put in a hospice for years. My half sisters would be able to get a better role model. My friends, eh, they would get over it.
Not that much damage. Life would be simplier to everyone. I’m everyone’s problem anyways, I just cause pain.
I can’t ask for help – either I won’t be understood or I’ll just cause a lot of pain and ruin someone’s life.
I cried like I was mourning…
Bitter sweet
I cried like I was mourning…
Tears to wash the wound.
I cried like I was mourning…
Until I was
Blessed, are those able to mourn, for they alone shell be renewed.
Mourning the death of our expectations preparing a space for what is next.
What might this space be without attachment to expectations?
I cried like I was mourning…. until I was… allowed to feel the release of my tears.
hazelleyes,
i feel the way we but it’s only a feeling, you can turn it around.
🙂 <3
I wish I could just turn it around.. tell me how. Cus I honestly have run out of ideas!
I’m going to meet with him now.. I don’t even know what to say, but anyways.
How did it go with your ex hazeleyes?
Dave, it went alright. Better than expected. He understood cus he had felt the same way. But it’s weird. It’s weird having someone knowing. And he isn’t really an “ex”, we were never officially together. I don’t know. It’s weird you calling him that.
I don’t know if telling made it better. It’s just all really confusing. I feel more vulnerable. I told him everything.
Explaining to someone does make you more vulnerable, that’s why I don’t like to, but it also gives them a chance to help you. I don’t think you’ll get much better on your own, so telling him was good. I hope you can make it to your doctor’s appointment (it’s in a few days right?) and see if it, plus having someone physically near you understand helps. I hope you feel better tomorrow!
Yeah it’s next monday.
Okay, can we maybe talk again sometime soon too? I kind of just want to, I don’t know why, I’ll probably say as much as last time, just if you don’t mind. I feel kind of shitty right now.
Sent you a message.
Thanks, going to sleep now, try to have a good day.