It’s been a long time.
Maybe I was trying to convince myself that I am better.
Life is better. But I am not. Does it even make sense?
I don’t fucking want to go.
I don’t want to go live with my dads. I don’t want to have to follow other people’s schedule’s just because. I don’t fucking want to go. I was supposed to be on my own. I was fucking supposed to be on my own now!
It won’t help being there. It won’t fucking help. I just want to be on my own, have my space. This is ridiculous. How am I going to get better there? I won’t. I need to do things my own way.
I guess this is the consequence of admitting you are not okey. And now I have […]
Just got my own cocktail of pills.
Antidepressives, sleeping pills, stuff for memory.Â
Soon, there will be more (ADD concerning).
How did I get to this point?
I just hope this is will start making some effect, and I start feeling better. Although, funny enough, one of the side effects of the antidepressive right when you start taking it is intensification of suicidal thoughts or something like that. lol seriously? This is gonna be a funny ride.
I won’t be around for a week, I’m going away, but once I come back, I shall evaluate if this cocktail is doing what it should.
I hope everyone here has a better week […]
My life just took an 180Âº turn.. for worst.
So I had my appointment with the psychologist today. Needless to say that two minutes in and he was already giving me paper tissues. I was crying my heart out. I told him pretty much everything. Concentration problems, trouble sleeping, depression, lack of memories, suicidal thoughts (I explained I wouldn’t do it because of my mom tho). And according to him, I should had seeked help a long time ago, as now I am so deep into depression.
Result from appointment: Tomorrow I have another appointment with the psychiatrist so I can start right away taking antidepressives and […]
So, I have this doctor’s appointment tomorrow.
I’ll try to explain this briefly:
Initially I made this appointment to try and get adderall/ritalin to be able to focus while studying – cus my concentration is zero, for a long time now.
Then, I realized I need to bring up my sleeping problems, cus it’s getting really bad, I can’t sleep, even with sleeping pills, and as last week I was sleeping 16hours, this week I’m sleeping about 4hours. It’s getting weird.
Now, I’m wondering if I should mention the depression (obviously I won’t talk about the suicidal thoughts). I was doing some research and adderall/ritalin apparently is sometimes used […]
I can’t believe this is where I end up.
This shouldn’t be how I live – or better yet, how I don’t live.
Wasted opportunities, fake smiles, I’m getting too good at pretending.
I’m sick of this all. I’m so fucking sick of this all.
No one even cares.
I just want to curl up and die. Why can’t I?
Everything is just so dark and wrong. Why can’t I just die?
And my sleeping pills don’t even work anymore, last week I’d sleep 16hours a day, now I’m sleeping about 4hours. I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from having to pretend that I’m alive.
I had a secret, a dark little secret.
But I told and now I donâ€™t.
He understood â€˜cus heâ€™s been through the same.
Little secret has now been told.
Vulnerable like a flower in a storm.
Like a fish outside of water,
I cannot breathe anymore.
Little pieces of me are shattered across the floor
A shattered soul
In this black hole I have no escape
Mummy says Iâ€™m too young to be depressed
Daddy already has other two perfect daughters
Friends are clueless
Parts of my past are forgotten
And fuck how I wish I could remember
Today was a different day. Today was the worst day. I don’t know why, it just is. Just like the sun sets everyday, today is a bad day. I cried in the shower for a long time – and it wasn’t just simple tears. I cried like I was mourning. And that’s when I realized I was mourning my own death. I feel dead inside, and I don’t think I’ll be able to hold on much longer. Everything keeps getting worse.
I had this urge to talk with my bestfriend/(ex)lover/whatever. From my older posts you will be able to understand what happened. He never replied to […]
I thought one weekend of partying would have made me forget about how I truly feel, thought I would forget somehow the black hole, even if just for a little bit.
But no, it’s getting worse.
I want to die, so badly. I just fucking want to die. There’s not a point in anything anymore. I just want it all to be over. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. It’s all just bullshit.
I want to die. And I thought I would be able to hold on a little bit longer. But I am not so sure anymore. I want to end my life. I really […]
I want to cut again. But I’m trying really hard not to. I’m going away tomorrow with a few friends and if I make more cuts it wouldn’t go unnoticable – I don’t even know if it will go now.
It’s getting harder. I pretend it is not. But it really is.
It’s been over a week that I’ve heard from my bestfriend/(ex)lover, so I guess that means it really is over. I kinda don’t care about losing the lover part, but I do care about losing my bestfriend. But I guess he didn’t care after all. I dreamt about him last night. In my dream I […]
So I’m spending this weekend with some friends, and I’m afraid that they will somehow notice the cuts in my arm.. They are not too big, but I don’t think that if I said it was a scratch they would believe it..
I will be very careful not to have my arms uncovered. But if somehow one of them notices..
What do I say? Is there any excuse that works?
I’m kinda freaking out about this.. I don’t want them to know.
Please help. Any suggestion is welcome.
Day was especially crap. But that is no surprise. Don’t really feel like talking about it.
I have a question though,
Should I get a cat?
Let me explain a bit, I’ve always LOVED cats, I’ve done volunteer work at a cat shelter, I absolutely love them. They are like my soulmates (if that makes any sense). I had one, which would scratch me all the time, and once cut my eye lid and it was really bad (had to go to the hospital and all), and my mom started getting really worried and didn’t trust the cat, so we had to give him back. Then I got […]
I couldn’t sleep. I was tired, I was exhausted. But I couldn’t. It had been three hours since I had been trying to fall asleep.
It started to hurt, so badly.
The pain was growing and growing.
I kept scratching the skin in my chest, hoping to get the skin away, to rip my heart off.Â
At least that way it would stop hurting.
Then I went for a cigarette, trying to relax while listening to some music.
But when I came back to my room, my mind was set in what it wanted to do.
So I grabbed the blade, and rubbed it against my skin. And […]
I feel drained.
All my energy is being drained by that dark hole I so often talk about.
To whoever said it will get better, well fuck you, cus it doesn’t. It just keeps getting harder. And I keep getting weaker.
My bestfriend today texted me “did you die?”. And I know she didn’t mean anything wrong, whatsoever (she doesn’t know how I feel or how badly I want to die), she was just saying that cus I hadn’t said anything all day (well, given that I woke up at 8pm, it’s understandable). But, as I looked at that text I just wanted to reply “YES“, and I […]
How can everything hurt so much while at the same time I feel so numb?
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll be gone soon (not soon enough, but whatever).
I’ve come to terms that I’m a failure, that I have no purpose, no future, no anything.
I’ve accepted all that.
I’m a disappointment to everyone, not even my parents believe in me anymore. Thanks for that.
My dad asked me today : “When you think of your future, what colour do you see?” I wanted to scream “BLACK, FUCKING BLACK, THE MOST DARK BLACK YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE!” But I didn’t. I got away from the question, […]
It all hit me. I was at coffee with my friend, and all of the sudden it all hit me – the depression, the urge to kill myself, for all of this to end.
I have no purpose, I see no tomorrow, I see no future. I just want to die, so fucking badly.
I’m living but I don’t feel like I am. I just want to fucking die! Why can’t I? Why can’t some car hit me and I’d die? Why can’t something happen and my life would end? I have no purpose. I feel like a puppet doing stuff only because I am told I […]
So, here it goes: I’m a failure. I didn’t pass one freaking exam this semester.
Consequence: I get my money cut off. So now I won’t have money for cigarettes, coffee, an occasional night out – pretty much all the little things that were keeping me alive.
I can’t kill myself yet. My mom is not strong enough to be able to take it yet. So that will have to wait for a little bit – no matter how much I wish I could do it now.
Solution: Get a Job. So I’m leaving in a little bit to try and go get job at the casino – […]
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