Feeling suicidal

I have bipolar but I’m trying so hard to fake positivity and work on improving my life. I have the very clear impression from my boyfriend that I’m on my last chance to sort myself out. He can’t cope with me being depressed and if I have a bad day – and don’t get enough done – like searching for a job, housework – if I don’t have a full, productive day, I’m scared to tell him. I’ve been trying so hard to turn my life around and I’m making some small progress, but I’m constantly pushing myself harder and harder to try to approach his expectations, and my own of what I should be able to achieve.
In a way it is working – I’m getting more exercise, keeping a nicer house, searching for jobs – I should be happy with my progress, and sometimes I am. But it is never as good as I want it to be and it is never anywhere near to his expectations. I am using all my emotional energy trying to be high functioning and I can’t keep it up any more. I literally feel like I am about to break. I drag myself through the motions and it’s like pulling teeth, just trying to keep moving, keep progressing. I want to scream and I sometimes just stop and break down. I burst into tears in the supermarket this week. I’ve never done that before. All I can think about now is that if I fail to keep moving my life forward then I will no longer have any hope of a life worth living. I cannot regress. I have been poorly functioning for a few years now and I have become totally dependant on my boyfriend and he won’t accept that any more. If I don’t make this work then my final safety net will leave me.
But the pain of each day, ploughing forward – faking it til I make it – it’s just getting harder and sharper to keep up. I desperately need some real positivity now. I can’t keep faking it…. It’s so hard I fantasise daily about the release of death instead.
I know how I want to end it. I need my life to start working now and I can’t make it work. I can’t just snap out of it. I so desperately want to JUST SNAP OUT OF IT and get through a productive day that isn’t this incredible agony of faked enthusiasm. These are things I should be enthusiastic about – making changes to improve my life. Why do I have to fake it? Why can’t I find real enthusiasm for improving my life. I feel like I am never going to find it. I don’t know how to go on.