Feelings…

so for while now ive been stuggling with on going with depression. for a couple of years now the over whelming feelings have come and gone. the feelings of useless ness, worthless, hopeless, never
meeting up to peoples expectations. I am out of high school now and am enrolled in college. my first 2 years of high school were miserable. classes were kicking my butt no matter what i’d do to try and get my grade up. my relationship at the time hurt more than helped. it was mostly me helping her with her problems for 2 years only for her to revert herself back to her old problem ridden self. around my sophomore year i ended that relationship, and found another girl, the ex came along and fucked that relationship up to and along with the next one. i finally got her out of my life for good last week as far as i know. my last 2 years of high school were alright. i ended up getting a job around 2 years ago, met a girl there and dated her for a little bit before i realized she was crazy and left her kindly. never had the best of luck with girls. iv’e learned not to care about anything and learned to become numb to whatever happens but there are somethings where it doesnt happen no matter how hard i try to ignore it and block it out of my life. and it seems if i am in a relationship it just amplifies the depression even more. i feel so bad putting my burden of depression on who ever i date. i dont see how anyone would ever like me. i always feel like i’m better off alone and everyone is better off without me because thats all i am is a burden to others. i dont know what to do. im just tired of feeling like this. ive attempted suicide before and obviously they are unsuccessful. i feel like this is my lowest low. but that always never seems the case because when ever i get to the “lowest” i can get there will always be another time that is worse. over the past couple weeks ive been thinking heavily over suicide by dehydration. been reading over it alot. i dont see how anyone would miss me or anything like that. sure my parents and close relatives would for a little bit. I’m the oldest in my family and my little sister is smarter than me and they’ll pay more attention to her anyway. my girlfriend can find someone better than a sack of shit like me and be with someone who can make her truely happy forever. im always easily replaceable. today i tried to apologize for a fight that i started and all i got was a laugh and punch in the face. i just cant seem to catch a break in anything. i’m seriously thinking about removing myself from this world, who knows.

thanks for reading my rant

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