How Do I Know?

I don’t know how to tell if a guy likes me. (Pathetic, I suppose). I know that I probably don’t deserve to be on here. This is for people who are having problems. I’ll admit, I have problems. I do want to cut again. I want to cry. I can’t let myself have happiness. Wow. I had it for a day! A whole day. Actually, no, it stopped. Maybe 6 hours, I had that happiness. I guess that’s cool. I mean, what am I? I’m a monster. I don’t deserve to live. Everything is my fault. I could have stopped everything that’s happened in my life that has caused my family pain. Right now, I don’t care about what I feel. I care about what I’ve made them feel. And I’m scared. My two best friends that I love so, so much.. One isn’t a Christian, and the other one is, but she’s also bisexual. Not that I have anything wrong with that, but.. It’s a sin.. And I’m scared for them. I don’t want to die and never get to see them again. And Owen… Maybe it’s a good thing that we broke up. If I had started to like him, I would’ve gotten hurt. Apparently, he had um, well, he had sex with a girl before he went out with me. And now, he goes out with that chick. Why? Because she’s pregnant. He’s going to be a father. It actually kinda hurts now. I mean, I almost feel betrayed. Anyway, I also.. I guess I feel terrible about Trevor. How can I like him when he has a girlfriend? And.. maybe I don’t need to go after him. He flirts with girls all the time. I’ve even seen him looking at girls’ butts when Kendall isn’t looking. I mean, do I want a boyfriend like that? Do I want a guy that’s mean? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that I don’t. I mean, he is mean… So is every other guy that I like. Except Brendan. Actually, no, he’s mean, too. I’m just scared of getting hurt again. I’ve always kept it safe. If my friends are doing something that looks dangerous, I don’t do it. And because of that, I rarely ever get hurt. I’ve never broken a bone, and I intend to keep it that way. I don’t know if I’m smart or just a scaredy cat, but I think I’ll keep it safe. I mean, going out with Trevor, now that I think about it, would be about as dumb as jumping off a cliff; I know that I’m just gonna end up hurt. Hell, it might be risking my life. I mean, when I get upset, I think about it, and I’m scared that if I get hurt again, I’m gonna kill myself. I don’t want to do that, so I have to be careful. I do want to be happy, but I don’t think that this is where I’ll find it. I mean, what happened to the nice guys? Why do I just like douche bags? I mean, I know there’s supposed to be nice guys out there, but I sure can’t find them! Unless these are the nice guys.. If they are, then I’m gonna die alone. I mean, Trevor is nice… Yet he’s not.. He’s a gentleman, and yet he hits girls. I mean, he doesn’t hurt them.. He’s just playing.  And if he does hurt them, he apologizes, and he feels bad. He looks like he feels bad, anyway. I guess he is a nice guy. He’s sweet. Dammit. See? I try to convince myself that I don’t like him, and then I always convince myself that I do. Fine, I’ll admit it. I like Trevor Knox.  Trevor is in the grade above me (8th). I freak out over simple things. Like, when my email address was kinda close to his (it had the same numbers). We were born in the same year, so we both had 99 on our address. And I freaked out over it. And I absolutely completely like him. Seriously. I’ll even post a picture of him on here if you want me to. (You’ll probably think that he’s ugly, but I think that he’s completely adorable.) And, if you want, I’ll post a picture of me, too. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot better now. 😀