Everything I had told him about my past was a lie in one way or another. I was afraid he wouldn’t love me if he found out what scum I used to be, and it turns out that I am still scum.
I treated the only person I have left with disrespect and now he doesn’t know why he loves me.
I had second thoughts, I got caught up in lies and hurt him and now that I am being honest with him, it still causes him pain. I promised him I wouldn’t do anything to harm myself and I have stuck to it, but he keeps saying now that he wants to die, and that he wants to hurt himself. I told him I wouldn’t hurt myself and begged him not to as well but I’m afraid he is still going to make himself hurt even more.
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That was a huge cluster of thoughts that wouldn’t make it on their own, I didn’t know how else to put them so if you are reading this, I apologize for the clusterfuck.
I deserve to die for all of the pain I have caused him, but both of us have invested too much love and now pain for either of us to want to go. I don’t deserve to feel better. The last few nights in my dreams have been excruciating everything from me visiting him only to have to go home on the plane alone and ready to die to laying there in my sleep hurting myself and dying over and over again.
I see myself smashing my head into the brick stairs in front of the house. I’ve repeatedly wanted to smash my limbs and torso against the concrete wall of the driveway to their breaking point. There is a flood channel behind my house that I would gladly dive into if I had nothing to live for and have imagined doing so many times.
I have a reason to live, and I think I’m going to lose him. I don’t know why he stays, but he does, so I live. Other than him I am alone. I won’t let myself live if he leaves, I don’t deserve to be alive as it stands but I will be okay for now.
Please don’t send me back sweetheart.