I’ll warn that most of the things you’re about to read may seem like they’ve been written by an angsty spoiled 15-year-old girl. That’s what I am, after all.
I’m too scared to live – simple as that. I like my life the way it is now (well, maybe not). I enjoy the freedom that comes with those teenage years; in fact, I love it. Perhaps too much.
I don’t like to preoccupy myself with the outside world. I’m really ignorant that way. I learn what they teach me in school, but never one have they addressed the simple topic of “How to buy a candy from the store.” Thanks to my mom being all day at work and my dad abandoning us at a young age, I hadn’t really had much chance of going out until I reached about thirteen, where I began to hang out with my friends outside of our homes. I’m a very unsocial person – I’m polite in the way that I answer questions directed at me (briefly) and smile when they talk to me, or lend my school utensils to whoever asks, but I don’t know how to interact too much. Once I open up, of course, I hardly stop talking, and only when I’m with my friends I feel truly happy.
I love my family. I really do, even if I absolutely hate my mom nagging at me (that is literally 90% of what out conversations are about – which, of course, always consist of her angrily ranting at me and me just replying with apathetic monosyllable words or a lazy shrug) and my 17-year-old brother annoying me, but I never smile too much around them. I just never feel like it. My mom and I aren’t close at all for reasons previously stated, and my brother used to hit me when we were younger, and although he has stopped about two years ago, I still remember very clearly the fear and the pain I felt. Naturally, our relationship isn’t the best, so I don’t smile. Mom buys me everything I want, though, even if the reason I want so much is to make up for the loneliness I always feel because she’s never been truly around. Which I understand – she has a job after all, which brings me to the point of my current situation.
I like being free. I’ve never did the simple task of going to a store and buy something, or asking for an attendant’s help when I can’t find that one bag of chips I love. I get too scared. And as I kept getting nearer to being 18, I kept realizing I was not ready for life. Never once did school teach us how to really live, how much we’re going to struggle, when we’ll have to do something in specific. They “prepare” us, but I don’t feel prepared at all. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t want to get older, study college, get a job or find my own house. I want to stay like this – free, unworried.
I’m too scared to live. There are many things I enjoy and love for living, but my fears outgrow them. If I can’t stay like this, then I don’t want to live anymore. I am not ready to get my first car. I’m not prepared to graduate. Added up with my stress that forces me to scratch my skin until it bleeds, moving houses spontaneously, my beloved pets getting lethally sick and really bad problems with my mom…I think I’m better off dying. Living scares me, but death does not. It makes me sad that I won’t do the things I can do now, but other than that living is too much for me. I can’t take this pressure. I just had a fight with my mom today because she found a vibrator in my room (you can roll your eyes, but I’ll have you know that masturbating is perfectly natural and healthy for a teenager. Wish she could’ve understood that, though) and my first reaction after she left was to grab the nearest sharpest object and slash my wrist. I did, but the object was too blunt and only left a nasty pink mark.
It’s not the first time I contemplated suicide, and it’s also not the first time I have tried to break my skin and failed. I probably will grow braver and properly do so soon enough, but I’d like to hear your opinion about this. I know I’m being completely immature and childish, but I can’t bring myself to outdo this fear of living. Therapists and other medical help – or even talking to my mom are an absolute no, though.
3 comments
Well you won’t die from cutting your wrists…
Well I think that we’re all scared, and that life is generally pretty scary to most folks. And I think people often look to their younger years with fondness. Plus, main stream news and media typically over-represent the criminal events going on.
I don’t think they do it on purpose, I just think that the news sends someone to police stations because it’s cheap, quick and easy to get news stories that way. Then we watch the news, and half of it is horrific. So I think that you are smart and you are correct, but you are not alone.
People are scared. You’re probably in the majority.
I think you and your mom should have a conversation about your vibrator. It scared your mom, because it’s a sign that you’re growing up and there’s nothing wrong with pleasuring one’s self. She probably has one of her own. I also agree that school does a pretty lousy job of preparing students for ‘the real world.’ Teachers get too focused on teaching the course material and forget that we’re also supposed to prepare kids for the future.