Hi, I’m Lexi, I’m 15 years old and done with life. I can’t do this anymore, my friend knows I’m depressed, she puts me down all the time and she only gets brave behind the screen of her phone. I can’t do this anymore, life is hard i know, because I’m always up for a challenge, but this isn’t hard, this is difficult and unbearable
This started at the beginning of winter, everything started going downhill. I felt invisible to humanity, I’m a human too, and I have a- I don’t, I don’t have a life worth living. I let people step all over me, I hate it. I guess it didn’t exactly start this winter, it started when I was born, my father is an alcoholic, and he favors my brother, I mean he will admit he would rather take a bullet for him than me, but this winter everything was bareable and I could take it.
The next thing that happened was, my depression it returned and I don’t want to get medicated because I don’t want to be numb, I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. I have a diary, on wattpad. (A story telling website for all types of genres) I wrote in it that I was ugly, worthless, fat, dumb, and a nasty person, my depression has done this.
Then I found out my brother got excepted into the college of his choice, I’m extremely close with my brother, and he is leaving in 6 months, he is a source of sunshine and happiness, but he is leaving. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he got excepted, but its at the price of the only source of happiness I get.
A few years ago, my dad met a girl and they got in engaged this summer, I strongly dislike her, but if she is taking him away, then so be it, I hate him. Anyways he came back for a funeral, and he tormented me, for 2 days straight. He spent one month here, before in the summer and I almost end committed suicide, he put me down that bad, he tells my mom she needs to be tougher on me, but she knows that its not right, the thing about my mom is she has lupus, and 4+ life long illnesses, so I’m super worried about her all the time.
And this weekend, my friend was super rude to me on a bad depression day, I didn’t show it though and she didn’t care. Yesterday, I went on my computer and her Facebook was up, she is a really dramatic person, I guess you could call her a drama queen. I wanted to mess with her, and so I messages her friend that was with her on her account, I was about to tell her it was me and another friend but she changed her password, before I could, and so I texted her and told her that it was us, she got so pissed off, and she called me out on all my insecurities. I don’t want to lose her because she was my friend for a super long time.
And today? I finally reached my breaking point, I cut. I’m not proud of it, and I’m ashamed. But I needed to get everything off my mind. I was just over everything I couldn’t handle anymore. I want to tell my mom, I need help, but I’m scared she will overreact and go overbored. I don’t like attention on me, but I don’t want this to be the end of it.
I’m sorry this was long, I thought you guys she atleast know a little about me..
This is my post, please no negativity.
-Lexi.
6 comments
First of all, your friend sucks and you deserve a better friend than her. A friend is someone you should feel comfortable with, not someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. If she can’t stay with you through your worst, she doesn’t deserve you at your best. You need to listen very closely to me. You. can. not. give. up. Do you understand? Giving up means you are letting them win. I used to think about it when my “friends” bullied me because of my depression, but I didn’t give them the satisfaction of leaving this world and giving up. Yeah, it can be hard. It can be REALLY hard. But there are so many things you can do. You need to find new friends, because yours is a total ass. No offense to her or anything, but no one deserves to get treated like you are getting treated. Lastly, you are not an “ugly, worthless, fat, dumb, and a nasty person” like you said. I know that I don’t know you, but NO girl is ugly and no one on this Earth is worthless. You are beautiful no matter how you feel. When you talk to yourself like that, it only makes it worse. You’re better than them. Stay strong.
Thanks, when I read your comment it made me smile, someone actually cares enough to write that and take time to read what I feel.
Welcome to SP Lexi. If your friend is putting you down then, she really isn’t a friend at all. With friends like that who needs enemies? Also, you should be happy for your brother going off to college. Don’t worry, he won’t forget you. You’ll always be his little sister. Try to avoid cutting. It just makes things worse.
I know he won’t forget me its just when my dads a jerk he tells him to knock it off and he stands up for me, and your right my ‘friend’ isn’t really a friend. I’m going to brake things off with her pronto! Thanks for reading.
You’re welcome. *hug*
🙂