I’ve stopped believing that it’s possible for me to couple up with another human being. I’ve started believing that I’m somewhere deep on the autism spectrum, unable to assimilate into society without great pains. Like an apathetic gardener, I’ve stopped tending to my human relationships, both family and friends. I no longer see a point in continuing to put effort into making others happy; nobody makes me happy. I can’t imagine spending any amount of time listening to some woman complain and gossip just so I can get at her loins. I hate the boarish, single minded nature of most men. I truly hate this human experiment. I can imagine that life is pretty fun for most people, but they’re just too ignorant to see how repetitive it is, how very little choice there is. There’s no god or destiny, but the family you are born into and the region you occupy certainly limits what you can do and who you can become in life. Why am I complaining about reality? I guess that I’m tired of seeing other people everyday and being reminded that they’re living and I’m not, that the only thing I have in common with most people is a heartbeat.
Maybe this is me finally venting about my partner in misery finding herself a boyfriend. How can you be miserable and depressed and wanna die when you can still interact with people normally? I never should have bothered contacting her and trying to make a friend that is as screwed up as I am. I knew that, eventually, her beauty would outweigh her self-consciousness and she’d find someone to love her. I guess that I forgot I knew that! I knew our friendship was only temporary, that I’m the worst quasi-sane person in the world. There’s no one that can match my misery and dejection while still being such a functional member of society. I really believed, for a little while, that I’d found someone as messed up as me. HAHAHAHAHAHA, silly me; friends are for humans.
2 comments
I agree we are limited or you might say defined by circumstance that are beyond our control and it’s important to recognise them and understand the challenges they present.
I would challenge your concept of happiness though.
If the point on making others happy is so that they return the favor then I agree you might as well stop.
You can’t ‘Make’ people happy; happiness is a personal to the person experiencing it.
You can be kind, respectful, helpful, courteous… in your dealings with others, that’s a choice you can make for yourself if that is the type of person you want to be and only has value as such. But that may or may not result in someone having a positive “happy†experience being in your presence. And it shouldn’t matter in your decision on becoming.
“I guess that I’m tired of seeing other people everyday and being reminded that they’re living and I’m not, that the only thing I have in common with most people is a heartbeat.â€
I would say based on your post that you are realist trying to close the gap between your expectations for life and belief system, yours and others, against your experience….
The way you have been told the world is or should be and how you view or imagine others experiencing the world does not match your experience and you’re tired of trying to make it match.
Of course you will never be able to make life match expectations and experience as you’re comparing the subjective to objective. You might want to stop trying that but don’t confuse that with stopping your examining your expectations and belief systems for their validity and adjust accordingly.
Besides the physiological all people have something else in common, a desire for better. Recognition of this ‘desire for better’ in ourselves and others can be the gateway to compassion for others and ourselves.
Your living circumstances may or may not change but you might just find a way to move through life without so much frustration and anger.
To be alone only makes life more unbearable, i’m all alone and i became a walking dead, feeling empty every day amd night.
Don’t be alone if you can prevent it. Loneliness kills.