Yesterday
I couldn’t sleep. I was tired, I was exhausted. But I couldn’t. It had been three hours since I had been trying to fall asleep.
It started to hurt, so badly.
The pain was growing and growing.
I kept scratching the skin in my chest, hoping to get the skin away, to rip my heart off.Â
At least that way it would stop hurting.
Then I went for a cigarette, trying to relax while listening to some music.
But when I came back to my room, my mind was set in what it wanted to do.
So I grabbed the blade, and rubbed it against my skin. And I kept slicing through.
It was not deep enough, it didn’t bleed. But I could see the red from underneath, feel it burning.
And it was beautiful.
The four lumps on my skin are beautiful – art.
Today
I kept looking at the scars, thinking how finally something felt real, how I felt I had a piece of me back.
And now it is all I can think of doing.
– Why am I starting to do this?
16 comments
That’s how I feel. Try not to do it again, or at least be very careful to control how often and how deep. I also cut my thigh so no one will see the scars and judge. You’re talking to the doctor tommorow right? Cutting is a lot like drinking though, it feels good for a while, but eventually that wears away so that it’s just an addiction.
Tomorrow I’m making the appointment, I don’t know when it will be for tho, whenever he is free.
It doesn’t only feel good, it feels real.
(the format in the post is really bothering me, I can’t get it to put spaces between certain parts -.-)
Do you want it to feel real? That is confirming it’s existence.
Where do you want a space?
I’ve been struggling with cutting for years. The impulse is always there, and sometimes you just don’t want to stop. I havent ever really wanted to stop, but i realized that I wouldnt be able to live my life the way I wanted to if i kept cutting. Even when you are depressed, it helps to think about what you wanted to do before you were down. I wanted to be able to keep playing my sport in college, and obvious blood and scars just wont allow that. Something you can do instead is snap a rubberband on your wrist, or hold an ice cube in your hand, or if you have access to it, something else that produces a strong physical sensation, ex. ice bath. Also, drawing where you would cut, or where your scars are was suggested to me. It never worked for me, ,but you never know what will work for you, specifically. i’m sorry you have had to go through this, but it can get better. I’m not there right now, but i was, and i am doing as much as I can to get back there. i hope you can feel the same way
I know. But like, nothing in my life feels real, nothing feels right. This does. For some wicked reason, it really does.
It was in between two paragraphs, managed to put it 🙂
rlc992, I don’t want to do it. It was the first time that I did it (properly at least). I don’t want to start doing it. But I do. It’s like I said, feels real, feels right. And at the moment in my life, nothing else does. I know I shouldn’t. I’ve read the posts from people who have done it for years and want to stop. It’s not like I’m seeking attention, it’s not like I’m not aware. I’ve just had the urge to do it for months, and I finally gave in. And it felt real.
(I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but this is the only place where I can be honest with myself).
Yeah, that makes sense. Time/life just kinda passes by and when you realize it, it all seems like a bad dream that you are trying so hard to wake up from. That’s how it is for me at least.
I see it now, I’m a bit obsessive/compulsive so I over organize sometimes.
Yeap, feel the same way. It’s not even like I’m living. I’m awake, but I’m not living. I can’t explain it. I felt it today, so badly – I was driving and although I was driving perfectly normal, without any problem, I just felt so uncomfortable, like I wasn’t driving. Kinda scared me. I don’t know if it makes sense.
Mhm, I understand. It is scary. I guess I would describe it as watching a movie in 1st person. You feel like you’re experiencing everything, but at the same time you aren’t, and you have no control. Also, when you come out of the theater and it’s already dark you feel like was I really there that long. I would also say the movie is probably a twisted sitcom.
Loved it! lol That was pretty accurate. But the movie could have a happy ending – when you’d leave the theater, some driver in a big truck decides that it would be fun to run you over! (I’m choosing a big truck so that we’d die straight away with the impact).
oh I thought you said “Also, when you come out of the theater and it’s already dark you feel like there is really where you belong (in the dark)”.
Don’t know why.
Yeah! That would be great! I’ve alway kind of wanted to get hit by a really expensive Italian car, like a Ferrari or something, but I’d be worried I would live, so a truck works :). Two people I know have been hit by cars, lucky basturds. Well I guess the one that lived thought he was unlucky, but, eh, it’s more luck than I’ve had.
I like to leave the movies in the dark anyways, because when I come out in the sun it hurts my eyes, so I would add that in too if I could.
You have a point there. I don’t know, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel alive.
Me neither, I want things to be better, but I’m not convinced they ever will be. At least not for me. Maybe talking to a doctor and getting some medicine will help you. Let’s wait and see how that goes. I’m not going to be going to school tommorow I don’t think, so I’ll make sure to read your email. I’m going to try get to sleep now while the pain is dulled, because if I don’t I’ll be up all night.
I think I am going to sleep soon too, gonna take some medicine to sleep otherwise I’ll be awake till morning again.
We have to find a way to feel somewhat alive – or an effective way to end this all.
Alright, I’ll be home tomorrow as well.
Rest, tomorrow you will feel better (at least pain wise, I hope).