recovery from depression has not been so much a return to health, as a learning process about dealing with my symptoms.

i find myself feeling very suicidal at times and overwhelmed with thoughts about suicidal planning. i have a lot of fantasy about cutting myself, and sometimes although i am working hard in my occupation, it feels like a part of my mind is very active in producing images about cutting myself deeply. i dont think these sorts of symptoms are ever going to go away. they are just going to always be here. i have wanted to lie down and die for as long as i can remember, but for the rest of my life i will always have to figure out new reasons to keep going.

that is kind of OK, i have come to terms with it, but it is pretty rough that people dont understand that this is the way things are for me. they see me smiling, functioning, whatever, and they just sort of forget that i was ever hospitalised or psychotic, and they think everything is fine. almost even worse than that, is knowing now that talking about my problems is not going to help me. i have done so much talking in my life with people about my problems, but i have just realised that it cant help anymore. i am way past the help of other people now. people say the most senseless and cruel things without even knowing it, band aid bullshit. people just do not understand, unless they have gone through the terrible journey of forced hospitalisation, deep black suffocating mental illness, and the endless hard work that leads to recovery. they cant understand. they are just always telling you, and telling you that they do understand.

having this interior, secret me, that is suffering, and that there is no point to revealing it, is hard sometimes