Everyone has their story so I’ll make mine brief.
I never had a mother or father, or any consistent adult in my life so I guess I fall under the general “abandonment issues” blanket. It’s been 15 years of therapy and various psychiatric drugs for anxiety and depression, yet I still don’t feel that my issues can be explained by such a meaningless phrase. I’m 22 and have always had difficulties making and keeping friends so I have none at the moment. In the last few years my desire to make friends has completely vanished. I used to vacillate between hope and sever depression, but I now consider that to be the remnants of youthful idealism. When you’re young everyone tells you that you have so much to live for and not to give up, you’re just going through a faze. Well, as my 23rd birthday is approaching, I’d say I’m done with whatever faze I went through.
I met a wonderful, sensitive young man when I was 20. We connected so well and understood each other equally well that i felt nothing would tear us apart. We both dreamed of having a big family and building a house in the woods away from the city smog. I felt bursting with hope. A year into our relationship I had an unwanted abortion. He said it wasn’t the right time. I was ambivalent towards the decision. I always wanted children and the pregnancy made me the happiest I’ve EVER been in this entire life.
It was probably all the hormones rushing through my body but I felt free, hopeful, and calm. After the abortion things were never the same, which I had a feeling would happen. We argued, he was frustrated with my regret. I named him/her Luz, “light” in Spanish. I celebrated Luz’s would be birthday this February alone. My boyfriend broke up with me in a text message a few days after New Year’s. We were only a few months from living together on our own (I was finishing college) and realizing the dreams we made years ago. I couldn’t handle the breakup. I attempted suicide and he told me he’d attempt repairing things with me because he couldn’t stand to see me die.
We slowly reconnected and I began finding some joy and hope in life again with him by my side; enough strength to at least graduate and move in with him. Then, two nights ago, he break’s up with me again citing reasons such as “I’m draining him”. I knew it. He lied to save my life. But, now I’m even more adamant about dying. I was in denial before; of course he only got back with me so I wouldn’t die, but it lifted my pain so i accepted the lie. People always leave once they see how emotionally taxing my neediness is. I have an unfettered desire to be loved and I can’t shut it off. No pill can, no amount of therapy or self-will has. Therefore, I am only destined for more pain.
I bought my ******** tank. It should be here next week. Everytime I think about leaving this world a rush of warm happiness comes over my body like a huge comforter on a rainy day.
10 comments
You’ll notice in many of the posts here, that there are plenty of parents with heavy hearts about what sorrow their children might have after death. It’s not much consolation, but for those of us that are utterly alone, there’s one less worry.
Thanks for sharing a part of your story whyohwhysky. I got my pair of Balloon Time tanks from Party City now I’m constructing my hood. Welcome aboard 🙂
Maybe it’s not you, maybe it’s people who you let in. People would stick with you through hell and back if they really care.
@ driftz86
Yes, you’re probably right. But, for some reason I am unable to attract people who truly care and are willing to stick it out. I’ve tried, and tried, but now i’m tired.
@changeling
Thank you for the kindness. I find it humorously ironic that you purchased your tank from Party City. Little do they know how grim your single person “party” will be.
Best of luck.
WOW!! Seriously sounds very similar to what i’ve gone through no lie. I didn’t get pregnant and have to go through something horrible like you did. I met this guy when I was 14 and he made me feel complete like nothing in the world mattered. He was with someone and I never told him how I felt. Finally when I was 19 and after a drift and split in our friendship I told him and he broke things off with the girl he was with. We were like magnets and I was needy I guess because I didn’t have any parents either so I wanted to have someone there. And about a yr in the issues started I got depressed and he got angry and changed blamed me for everything. I attempted suicide countless times and failed miserably and I think thats the only real reason he stayed. I found out later that he had been lying and saying he was single and talking to some slut. It broke my heart he said I drained him and he didn’t want to deal with me. I felt like there was nothing and wanted to die everyday i woke up was a nightmare. But some how I was ok and then he came back with new promises and a new fake front. And we got close again and things felt whole once again but history repeats itself. And this time I just don’t know what to do. I feel for you I really do I wish that you didn’t have to feel like your only option was suicide, but i understand that sometimes thats how things are 🙁 the pain is just too much to overcome.
You tried too hard. You desirve rest, and if you think this is the right way so be it. I hope you end up happy wherever you end up.
Tried to hard?
Our priorities, the things that are important to us never remain unchanged. In time, our lives change in the most unexpected ways that even we could have never envisaged. For example, albeit things did not turn out best, could you have imagined things would have turned out like this when you started out. If you think about it logically, you still have every chance of acquiring what you lost or it might not be as significant to you as it once was. Peoples lives shift massively long term but because this has happened suddenly you haven’t been able to adjust. Of course, you’ve undergone a massive change and everything is turned upside down, that doesn’t mean you need an exit bag. You feel bad, like you’ll never recover and have lost the one important thing but only time will tell. You can’t just throw in the towel yet. Put the helium on ice. Ok.
If you still here could you email me I really need suicidal friends. I’m 26 and suffering since i was 5. Are you being assisted by a physician from a state in usa exitinternational. I live in Canada I need help to die peacefully. I feel so stuck torn between a choice of a violent way to die and a peaceful way.
@Dissolvedgirl
I’d love to talk with you.
Email me at wildernessrealm@gmail.com