A week or so ago, my stepdad told me I couldn’t save my boyfriend, that in the end the only person I can save is myself. I felt a little part of myself die that day… My shrink told me that I take on everyone else’s problems along with my own. My middle school science teacher told me I could put my rebellious energy into something good, that he believed in me. My boyfriend tells me he can tell that I will be a good mother to our children some day… My grandma used to tell me I’m chubby. My teachers always tell me I’m achieving below my ability.
I don’t care what they think about me is what I used to tell myself, but in the end I learned it was a lie. I absorb what everyone says about me. I found out yesterday, I have a 3.05 gpa. This is the best report card I’ve gotten in so long. My stepdad said I’m getting $70 for it. (twenty for A’s, ten for B’s, five for C’s)….My excitement and pride was short-lived, of course.
My boyfriend and I went to the cemetery yesterday. It was in such bad shape, some graves were nearly covered by dirt, grime, plants…We were fine at first, having just had amazing sex, but then we found this spot…There were three graves that caught our eyes. One was big and beautiful, one was small but still pretty, and there was one very simple one. The first one belonged to a child that only lived four days, yet the headstone was nearly five feet tall, with the family name at the front, and the info (name, dates of life to death). The second one was a foot or two tall, with the child’s name fading from age and the date of life and death (Oct 1, 19O1-Oct 1, 19O1). The third, maybe 3/4 of a foot tall, just said “BABY”. This one affected my boyfriend the most. We both cried, a lot, before deciding to leave. But then he stopped, sitting on a stone to smoke a cigarette, so I went to look at another one…When I came back, he was staring at his upper arm, cigarette pinched between his index and thumb, about to burn himself. i had to pry it from his fingers, and it was hard. The look in his eyes…I had to save him…