I am new here, first post, but I’ve been reading posts here for quite some time now, and as sad as it is that so many people here are in so much pain, it brings me a bitter-sweet comfort that there are others like me. I really don’t want to be a sob story, or ask for pity, I’m just stuck and so confused about it all.
I guess I’m just very desperate for some relief. I have created the greatest of masks to hide the anguish that dictates my every moment and thought, but its come to a point that I can’t even hide anymore. I spend all day crying and praying for my own death. I’ve prayed for strength for so many years now but all in response I’ve been weaker, so now death is a solace fantasy that occupies my thoughts. I’m terrified that I have lost my faith, my trust in God.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try I just can’t escape the misery. I am beginning to believe that I am helpless as well. I am so tired of thinking about death, so tired of wanting to die, and just exhausted of the desperation. I feel so hopeless, and whats the worst of it all, is the constant, never-ending though that I just do not belong here, that the world would be such a better place just as long as I was not around. I am a mistake, I am a waste.
JerzyBoy
5 comments
It’s a tough world we’re living at.The people who surround us make it even more difficult.
I can understand you,I was also tired of living and still am.But I am still here,fighting.Depression can be harmful,but has it’s advantages.I personally learned to love myself for who I am.I don’t care that other people don’t like me.I don’t care that they’ll laugh at me because I am not cool as they’re for example.I know that one day I’ll be the one laughing.
So,I know it’s hard but you must get up,you must,because this world needs people like you.Stop putting “masks”because of others,you’re life has meaning only when you’re being yourself.Express yourself,do what you want to do and the right people will appriciate you for that.You’ll see,just be yourself 🙂 and sorry for my English,I know it’s not the best
Thank you Lyubomir, you are absolutely right, it is a tough world. The people in my life are harmful & cause me very much excruciating pain, just like I cause them pain. The people in my life don’t mean any harm, in fact they are loving, but whatever the caring intentions may be, we just constantly csuse each other great pain. I am overly sensetive, or so they say, personally I think I’m just overwhelmed with pain. The fact that the people I love cause me so much pain, and I them, makes everything so much harder. My other problem is that I have so much stock in what these people think of me, its hard not to care about what others think. I don’t mean to sound like a downer or pitiful but there isn’t much to like about me, so I have no friends really. It makes things so much harder to know that people just don’t like me, hence the masks. Without them I’d really have nobody. Youre so right about holding on tho. By the way, your English is great. I moved to the U.S. when I was 9 so English is my 2nd language. I struggle with it still at times. Anyway, thank you for posting, it really means a lot when even a stranger cares.
JerzyBoy
I agree that’s hard not to think about what the others think about you,it’s actually impossible not to to think about that.What I mean is,that you must accept this thoughts,not to run from them.
For example,my problem was,that I really wanted to be cool,to date the cool girls,to be friend with the famous guys and so on..Instead of that the only thing I got were laughs,a 2 years depression and a few serious cuts.It was all because,I didn’t wanted to accept that the others thing that I am a boring and quite guy(the person I am actually).When I was on the edge of doing something stupid,I decided to give up,to stop trying to be cool,to be the person I am.The following day I went to school,sat on my desk and started listening to all the bulshit the others were saying to me.For the first time,I didn’t said anything,I just listened.I gave up and I won.No more depression,no more suicidal thoughts.
So I don’t mean :”Go out and don’t give a fuck about anything”..What I mean is-care and if the others thing you’re boring,accept that,don’t fight with it.This is a fight you can’t win,because there isn’t anything to win.If you need to talk to somebody add me on skype:hazeman12 I’ll be happy to listen to you and BIG THANKS for my English! 😀
Ouch… *[Talking to myself]: sometimes I feel out of place in this site. I only pop in here when I’m bored (not necessarily in pain or reaching out for support). I skim through posts but don’t really absorb what I’m reading [into my psyche] then *snap of the finger* I forget everything. [End]*
I don’t know, JerzyBoy. Welcome to SP, I guess.
Depression is a pretty destructive thing. There is a reason the masks come off. And that you are too exhausted. You need to accept who you are right now. Right now Faithless is a sad and pathetic blob on some strange medication. Faithless is also awake when faithless should be asleep and probably leaking brain fluids out of Faithless’s ears. However this is what I am right now. I can’t hide it so I have to deal with it.
I guess I am supporting Lyu here. You say you are overly sensitive/ persecution complex. Not an easy thing to dismiss for sure but it starts but asking questions, to yourself and to the other party. “Why did what they say hurt me?” “They said I was uncool or boring (insert word here)” “Why does that matter? Right now is that accurate? Am I uncool? (Faithless is ^_^) DO I want to be cool to them? Do I have a stigma with uncoolneess? What does uncoolness mean to me? Etc. And in the end does the person who said that matter to you? If they do ask them why they said that?
Maybe even tell them when they say it, it actually hurts you. And tell them why. If they don’t matter to you then their opinions shouldn’t either. People are asshats. Glorious asshats. They are going to hurt you regardless of the relationship. You need to accept who you are and maybe even get help. You need to figure out why there is so much pain perhaps?
Maybe that didn’t help and I am too tired though weee. Your English is lovely. I see punctuation and capital letters. I want to do a dance of joy.