I don’t know what to do anymore.

I think today is going to be my  day. I’ve tried holding on but my pain hurts more everyday and the hurt is getting the better of me. to start as a young child I was molested several times by different people one being my uncle. no one ever did anything about it. as a child I wanted my family to comfort me and make me feel loved by them and have them comfort me. instead they put me in front of multiple therapists and psychiatrists and by the time I was ten had been prescribed to at least 11 different kinds of medication. that was how my problems were dealt with. a lot of things happened other than that. my father beating me and taking his anger out on me I don’t fit in with my family at all its like I’m not really part of it the odd one out. I’ve always felt isolated and alone. my family moved us after some of these problems because of me and in my new home that I’ve been in for 13 years it hasn’t gotten any better. I went to school I’m a certified welded and auto tech and can’t get a job doing any of that. I’ve lost my other job I have a lot of debts no money I have unpaid fines for traffic tickets that they keep issue warrants over. and I’m not a bad person. I’ve never touched a drug not even once I don’t drink I’ve never hurt anyone and I always try to help complete strangers in need because I know how much it hurts and sucks to have no help. I always thought you were supposed to help your fellow man but it seems like it always screws me in the end. my whole life I’ve never felt a true love and happiness and I always felt like part of me was missing. but one day I met a girl and the second I looked at her I knew she was the one. and we dated for a long time things were great. we were so happy and so in love and for the first time in my life I felt whole and happy and a love that is not describable with any words. I had a job money a nice truck and the girl I had always dreamed of. but then I lost my job and got into a financial pinch and became unhappy with myself. and that tore my relationship apart. the girl always stood by me she cared about me looked out for me did anything she could to help me and loved me. but I was so unhappy with the situation I was in I neglected to show her my appreciation. so she left me when I was in my time of need because I was too stupid to open my eyes and see what I needed to do. she blocked my number blocked me on Facebook won’t have any contact to me and I didn’t actually say or do anything to her to make her just go like that but after all the things I stood by her for she just left and erased me from her life like 2 years meant nothing to her. ill spare the details of things we went through together but there are many no other couple has gone through to understand it. so I wake up everyday and I miss her more with each passing day still haven’t heard a word from her. spent 150 dollars on real nice flowers that I had delivered to her on valentines day and wrote her a letter and sent a card and never heard a word about them. she was my best friend my partner my better half and my true love and now she’s gone. and now I’m back to feeling unhappy and all of my other problems are swallowing me along with it. I would do anything for that girl because I know how special she is and how much I love her but she acts as though I never existed. for days now ive been thinking about ending my life and just finally ending all the pain. the thought of someone else being with her and living my dreams with her tears me apart because I know I can be that guy but she wont let me show her she’s gone. I just want it to end. I’m thinking about just going to be alone today and taking my 12 gauge with a 00 buck shot and blasting my heart out. its already destroyed anyway and I would rather be gone than have to continue knowing my world has come crashing down around me. I’ve had plenty of failed relationships and none of them were like this when you meet that one person you know its meant to be and I finally had it and now its gone and I don’t want to continue on without her I could have everything money nice cars big house etc but I will never stop missing her and none of it will mean anything if I can’t share them with her. I don’t even think she would miss me when I’m gone. she seems just fine and I’m left with all the hurt and she just watches me suffer. so I think its time to finally throw in the towel. I feel so horrible I cant even put it into words. its basically like I’m living in hell I’m stuck in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. I can’t even sleep at night I wake up every 30 mins drenched in sweat and tears and it won’t go away after a month has passed. I might only be 22 and would be throwing my life away but if the first 22 years have been so bad and I’ve felt so unhappy I don’t want to let the rest become that way. the one thing.that I finally found a true happiness and love in is gone so now I have nothing left to fight for or anything to make me want to go on…