I feel different from the people I know

I have never been a very social person, thats how im going to start this story. I never had any friends growing up and I was always labeled as a weird kid, but nevertheless I wasnt bothered by this. somehow during highschool I found myself making friends and going out riding around and having fun times. After high school I went through a shit load of shit and you know what? I learned that no one cared. So I learned how to isolate and seperate myself from the rest of the world, and maybe for once in my life I was content that I didnt have to have expectations in people because they always let me down. Now Ive just pretty much sewed my life together the best way I know how. I mean I got a place of my own I got my girlfriend and I got work most of the time. I dont trust my girlfriend for nothing. for some unknown reason I always think shes lying to me or just giving me the half truth, and I think im going to lose my place within a couple of months from now. For those of you who have read my following post you know I got my grandma out of the nursing home so that she would not have to feel unloved and that no one cares. I know that feeling and I still have it quite often. Now my grandma is in the hospital on the verge of dying, but like I told my girlfriend my grandmas the lucky one. those are the people who I felt like kept me alive and gave me something to live for because I damn sure wouldnt go on living if it was just me. Its kinda of like this….I dont wanna be anywhere around where I am at in the world and I know that there is no where I can go where there wont be people, so what can I do. I tell you what I do is just go ahead and hook up the rubber hose to my exhaust and go to sleep and then Ill wake up in the and of no worries and no pains.Then those people I left wont be looking for a reason like oh he mustve met another woman or he didnt want responsiblity. when tey see me gone they will have their reason and there wont be anything they can make up I dont really know alot about this site and how im supposed to base my post but I do know know that there isnt a day that goes by that I dont think od dying and you know what its not like a doctor tells me I have 6 months to live and Im all scared to leave. No the feeling strikes me as one of peace and comfort. The other night I thought of my life as a tooth. Im surrounded by other teeth and I guess all the food that I chew is basicaly all the shit that I have to go through, and then a part of me cracks and the nerve is exposed and it hurts like something you just rather die than feel for the moment. dentist can put a filling in me or whatever to temporarily ease the pain, but in the end the ultimate answer to the problem is to have the tooth pulled. maybe im just tired of hurting and ready to be pulled