I don’t really understand why I started feeling this way. I feel distant even from the people that are closest to me. Sometimes I can be happy. I can feel good. Then I go back, and I realize that I have only been pushing these thoughts to the side. I want to die, but I won’t. I can’t let myself give up on life. I just want to stop planning out how I am going to die in my head. I want to stop having to push back these thoughts, and gulping back my tears. I want to stop looking over the ledge and thinking about how great it would feel to end my life that quickly. It’s happened far too many times, and either someone was there to stop me or I stopped myself. I am afraid that there will be a time where no one will be around to stop me and I won’t be able to stop myself. I am losing control, and I I just want to stop. I want to stop everything. Make it stop.
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@ notready Why do you feel like dying? Maybe if you talked about it, it could help?…
I don’t know. I don’t. I’m sick and I’m twisted. I don’t understand it. It’s just this urge that is always in the back of my mind and it creeps up on me all the time. When I’m in my car–oh, it would be so easy to just “accidentally” spin out of control or when I’m on someone’s balcony–I could just lean a little TOO far. And it just goes on and on.
Interrupting this interlude to bring you…
You know there is this thing called depression. Tis a medical condition of the most sad making kind. You are not twisted or sick mentally. You are probably suffering from it. Apparently tis not normal to wish for death every day. You have already said you want to live. Get the help required to do so.
So much preaching at you, sorry. I still recommend some form of therapy. Even if it is google. There are methods you can use to stop these thoughts. It’s a slow and claw out your eyeballs process but it is something. Professional help and meds can also help.
I’m just afraid to. I know that I SHOULD probably seek professional help, but I hate doctors, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life taking pills in order to get through the day. Is that wrong of me to think that way?
Not at all.
I fought the pills for so long before I forced myself to try them. I was already drowning so why the hell shouldn’t I give it a shot. It saddens me to this day that I can only achieve a fragile peace with the meds. And I have only taken them for 7 months or so. There was also a gap in there because I wanted to see what non chemically retarded Faithless was like again. It is a hit and miss process and they won’t cure you at all. What they will do is give you breathing space. Just a gap between you and your pain. Maybe that will be enough for you to fight on with. Talk long and hard with a doctor and do your research. Don’t be afraid to tell them everything you want and don’t want from the meds. Be it as vain as weight gain as a side affect.
As for doctors and professional help. I was lucky there. I found people who were wonderful critters. These professionals are only people too. Some of them are pill-happy prescribers and generally burnt out. Some have the empathy of my little toe. Some of them really do want to help you. Again it gives you space notready. It gives you room to breathe. Before I ultimately broke down and turned into a lump of sad faithless I knew I had to do something. Apparently tis not normal to feel that way every day. These were two avenues I went down.