Today I realized something about the world. No one can handle my deep sadness; there is no person alive–or, if there is there are very very few, and probably live in Tibet or something–that can stand by me without leaving or lying or being drained.
The world has broken the last bit of trust I had. I trust no one. The world has spoken: they want the fake me. They’ll only accept me if I put on a mask of happiness. So, I will swallow my sadness. I will swallow my anger. I will let no one inside. You want to know how my day was? Oh, it was lovely. Everything is just lovely. Want to know my opinion on something? You’ll get a fake answer. No one gets that deep piece of me ever again. Time after time I’ve trusted someone with my darkest feelings only to be pushed away or given stares of shock and repulsion.
Fine, World. You want me this way? You got it. I will keep the true me inside. You have decided to exchange the trusting, loyal, deep feeling, sorrowful, brutally honest girl for the fake, insincere, aloof woman. Because that’s what being adult in this society is: you buck up, keep a straight face, pay your taxes and help no one but yourself.
I feel empty, but I no longer feel suicidal.
4 comments
Wow, is exactly what I feel at this point. Brilliant, but an unfortunate outcome 🙁
@ kissnm10
Yeah, it is unfortunate but it’s the only way I know how to cope now. People say they want you to be open with them and that they care but they don’t know what they want. They don’t have the energy to actually care for people like you and I. They try and then realize eventually that it is burdensome. I’m a different breed and I guess I have to live with that. I have to give up that hope of some highly empathetic soul who truly understands me and will invest everything to help because no on is like that. This way I save myself the hurt. Stupid world, you have no idea what you want.
I used to let the sadness dictate who I was as a person. I used to let the sadness completely overtake me. It was almost comforting, to have this place inside me no one knew about where I was dying and so hopeless and hateful. Not comforting, but mine, safe, impenetrable. I too felt betrayed by everyone I had ever known. But I dont think the solution is to put on a fake happy face. It is to be able to sit with the sadness without letting it dictate anything about your life. It is to be able to accept that people are selfish and unreliable and sometimes cruel. We only really have ourselves, and we can make the inner world we experience whatever we want it to be. It takes a lot of self-control and a lot of practice- and mistakes and meltdowns – to get to a place where you feel truly in control. We have the power to distort our own perceptions for better or for worse. We can choose to fight fire with water. People will disrespect you, hurt you, dismiss you. Be kind anyway. Be a force for good in the world you see as so bad. THAT is what being a true adult is– going from victim to warrior
@ambercat
I 100% agree that my solution of putting up a wall is not the best. Additionally, I too agree that being an adult is the transition from victim to warrior. However, I have worn my heart on my sleeve and tried to be the change I want to see; Standing up for the little guy, owning my pain unashamedly but, I have found to be outnumbered by selfishness and taken advantage of.
I don’t think I let my sadness “dictate” my life, that makes it sound like a decision. I truly am an emotional hemophiliac. The littlest things can make me sad and my mind tortures me with replays of betrayal and regret. I can’t control my thoughts or my feelings. I never had parents, I grew up alone and that is all I know. It has damaged me and this is my way of accepting that pain. My brain is just dysfunctional and it drives me mad.
However, just because I won’t let anyone in, doesn’t mean I won’t give to those in need. I will always stand up for the broken and the weak but I will not let anyone inside of me. Ever.