I wish I had never touched any of this

Yes it was cool at first being the bad boy, the drug dealer, the crazy dude, but now all I am is an addict. I haven’t touched oxy in a month which I guess is good but alcohol is a different story. Every time I go out I have to get drunk, every time I feel sad I have to get drunk, all I do is try to hide my emotions after all I have a reputation to keep and a mask to wear. I guess my problem is no one else cares because I dont care. Im too afraid to admit who I am rather than face who I need to be. I dont know ive jump so many hurdles by now, why is alchol such much harder for me. I haven’t touched weed in 8 months or any real hard drug other than oxy in over a year so why cant I just put the bottle down.