Hi friends. Haven’t had anyone to talk to who is going through the same problems I am right now. I’m always told that there are others who have it worse than me, but I only take that as a nicer way of saying “I don’t care enough.” For starters, I am gay. I have known it since age 12, and am now 16. No one understands what it’s like to feel what I feel, and anyone who did left my high school. I go to an all-girls school, so it’s especially hard for me, since I’m too awkward to talk to any of the students there. I’m tired of the same question that comes up whenever I come out to someone: Are you sure you’re not confused? Hi. Just so you know, I’m not confused about everything just because I’m a teen. I see where that question comes from, but when you’re on the receiving end of it, it gets annoying. No, I have not been abused, or gone through anything to make me feel an attraction to girls. I just AM. I feel suicidal about it because I don’t want to face the world’s persecution. It may not be as prolific as it used to be, but it still exists. My school is  also Catholic, so there are teachers and students who are not afraid to make it clear that only a man and a woman are meant to be together in marriage. Thus, I am so awkward at school that I don’t really have friends, just casual acquaintances. I’m told that another reason why I lack friends is because I have what is called a don’t-approach-me body language most of the time. Some seem to be in this mindset that says that quiet people just hate people. Shut up. It’s not true. I’m also just fed up with being a teen. I feel trapped in a bubble of just going to school and then back home and can only go out when the parents say I can, and if I do go out, there’s always some kind of curfew. I’m done with getting grounded, having the burden of worrying about school, and feeling like I’m viewed as dysfunctional because of my age. At school, you can only get friends if you’re considered good enough for the person you want to be friends with. No one wants to be friends with you because they like you for who you are.
I suffered some horrible tragedies in 2011 with the deaths of my two cats to kidney failure, my dog to cancer, and my grandfather to Parkinson’s, and everyone only cared for a short period of time, because they were “just cats,” or it was “only a dog.” After a while, they stopped caring and some even dared to tell me to “go to the pet store because they’re having a sale.” An animal is not a material object that can simply be replaced if lost! I was stuck to grieve on my own and find some kind of peace with everything.
In closing, I am just sick and tired of everything, from school to being depressed. I wish that I could just die most of the time.
The end.
5 comments
Hi progmessiah8, I’m am truly sad to hear about your tragedies with the cats and kidneys… I can imagine how though that would be on you. Especially going through the tough times you’ve had to face growing up without people not understanding exactly who you are, and how you feel. Sadly enough, it seems that (in my understanding) people who don’t know how to deal with their own emotions tend to ridicule and mock things they don’t understand. A lot of us are taught that certain things are okay while other things are unacceptable, (meaning there are many people who shun the idea of homosexuality) You have to break through that!! It is 100% okay to be who you are, because that is WHO YOU ARE! Learn how to totally love yourself because at the end of the day, you are ultimately in TOTAL CONTROL of your own destiny and happiness! Best of luck, wishes and love to you!
Hi there. Thank u for the reply. It was a heavy load to lose in such a short period of time, but some tried to insist that it wasn’t “the same as losing a person.” Even a family member, who shared the loss with me tried to tell me that same thing. It’s not fair. Anyone else I tried to talk to just told me to pray. Sorry if this offends you or anyone else, but after everything I’ve been through, I don’t have a reason to believe that there is a God. Instead, I relied on the beauty of the natural world and oddly enough, the idea of insignificance and that our planet is just one of many possible worlds in the whole universe helped a lot. I really noticed that when I explored India last December as part of my healing process. But my real angel and source of salvation is my golden retriever Lilly. We adopted her more than four months after our dog’s death from cancer, which was too soon for me, but my mom just couldn’t stand coming home to an empty house.
I think I have the hardest time loving myself because I always think I’m not good enough.
I know exactly how you feel with the loss of an animal friend. I don’t like to use the word “pet”, because they’re not just a pet, they’re your best friend. They’re the ones who don’t judge you for whatever reason, they don’t scold you or whatever. They listen to you without blowing you off.
I had a cat who was ran over by a truck on December 21st, 2012. Ironic, right? The day the world was supposed to end. That day ended for me when my best friend, Dante, was ran over. He was my best friend. He knew when I was sad or angry, or when I was going to come home. He would meet me at the street corner when I walked home from school, greet me by rubbing up on my legs (and almost tripping me of course lol) and meowing.
When he passed away, I cried so much. I still go on the verge of tears of when I think too much of him. What the worst part was that we had to put him out in a terrible way.
But know that your kitties and your puppy is in a better place. I still cry, but I remember that he’s no longer in pain and he’s chillin’.
I could tell you that this silence
will long rub against your legs,
that the sound of the electric can opener
will long summon his shadow
to the kitchen…
I could tell you that every cat you see
and some you don’t,
will scratch and mew at the door
of your memory…
But I won’t mention these things,
because the claws of grief are sharp.
I will say instead that your cat
is curled up somewhere in a sun spot
waiting to hear you come home,
at which time he will put on
his old aristocratic act of indifference
to let you know that you did, after all,
take longer than the expected time…
But soon, in his arrogant but casual way
he will edge nearer, forgiving
your human ineptness,
allowing you to finally hold him
and scratch behind his ears
while he is purring purring purring
to welcome you home.
Here’s a poem I found for your kitties. Grieving is a part of healing, it’s okay to cry over it. God knows I still do.
Thank u for the poem. Very nice, but the most tragic death was that of my first and then only dog Bailey. She was only seven years old and was a little more than a month away from turning eight. The cancer hit her soon after my 19-year-old cat died, and in three weeks she was gone. January 15, 2011, the day after my 14th birthday, was the day my youngest cat Tiger died. That day marked the end of the world for me. Then February 10 was when my oldest died, and then March 7 was when my dog died. Just when I thought it was over, on December 26, 2011, my grandfather finally died after a long battle with Parkinson’s. Aged 83, so he lived a long time, but it was still another loss. Actually, in May of the same year, he and my grandmother were both in the Intensive Care Unit at the same time at one point, my grandma being closer to death. To this day, they have no idea what caused my grandma to be in such critical condition. Now, it’s as if nothing even happened to her. All of this has sparked a new appreciation for what I have, but it also taught me that life simply can never be trusted again.