I know it’s “important” and all, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy any of it. We as students have to endure 35 + hours of school each week (yes, I did the math), but it never seems to be enough for teachers or parents. They still demand more and more and never think we deserve a break. All the weekend homework and the failure to acknowledge that we actually have lives outside the classroom infuriates me. It makes me suicidal to think that no one appreciates the time I actually spend trying to please them, but then again, I’m tired of thinking that’s my only purpose in life: to make everyone else happy. I have a motherfucking term paper I have to deal with and no time for living, and everyone else I know is enjoying the freedom of being done with school and actually getting to be the person they want to be. Where’s the fun in just sitting back and watching others have fun? My sister just graduated high school and is going to college and I’m still stuck in HS for another two years!
Sorry, but I don’t understand where this came from, and I don’t really see how this can help me feel better. My high school experience has been at an all-girls Catholic school, so there’s plenty of close-mindedness in existence. Everyone does, what they call, “the worshipping of the false god of grades,” and are more than willing to give up their social lives “to please their parents.” I would never do that. I’ll work hard enough but I am tired of thinking I have to always worry about what others, including my parents and teachers will think of me academically and what the other students will think of me socially. In a school like this, you really cannot be yourself, wearing uniforms, having to sugarcoat your non-religious beliefs so you don’t offend anyone, and just pretend to be someone who thinks like everyone else. You get penalized for walking into class three seconds after the bell has rung, and sometimes, even when the bell is just ringing. So pathetic. They say they’re trying to get us ready for the college experience, but in college, they won’t care if you show up late to class, and you get to be the person you really are. Just today, we were told that if you didn’t go to college, you will spend your life working at McDonald’s of WalMart. Sure, going college is really helpful, but you don’t have to scare us into doing it. They’ve also told us junior colleges were equivalent to failure. To them, it’s all about getting into the best school possible, which they say you can do fi you go to the high school I’m attending. So far, only one teacher, who has experienced things most students and teachers have never faced, told us right up front, that high school is in fact the WORST time of your life. Besides, what’s the point of living if the best part of your life happens so early? What’s the point of living out the rest of those years if nothing will be as good? I don’t know if it’s just me, but I sincerely don’t get it.
I just get annoyed when people think that as long as you have a loving family and a house over your head, you have no business being depressed. It’s way more complicated than that. for someone growing up a gay teen in a strongly heterosexual world and hearing about kids killing themselves because of bullying for being LGBT, it’s tough living. To hear people talking about how LGBT’s shouldn’t be allowed to get married or be couples is not easy. You really just want to yell at them, but you have to hide it because who knows what would happen “if someone found out.” My parents can be very frustrating, mainly since they both can talk without thinking about what they’re saying. I’ve been told and called some things that have never left my memory, and I never received a sincere apology for any of it. Sure, for the most part, they care about me and love me, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t stand them sometimes or I don’t have problems with them. You don’t live with them. Furthermore, if you still think I have nothing to be depressed about, read my post entitled “My Path to Recovery.” Hopefully, that will at least put a few things into perspective.
A recent comment on one of my posts was questioning my reasons for feeling suicidal, saying things along the lines of “you have a loving family and many would kill to have that,” and just plain old “I don’t understand.” That person meant well, but that really did make me feel insignificant. Alright sure, I do have parents and family that care about my wellbeing, and many people on here don’t have that, but we still have the same feelings of wanting to end our lives at times. That’s what we come on here to talk about. We don’t come on here to compete over whose problems matter more (at least I hope we don’t). Truth is, I do suffer from mental problems based on how past and current events have shaped me. I have lost a lot in too short a time. I wrote about it in an earlier post. That was a truly traumatic time for me, and I have and never will be the same person again because of that. I struggle with feeling lonely, isolated because of my sexuality and other interests, and fitting in. I am on meds but they never last for long, and I ultimately end up having my dosage raised. I do feel for many on here, because I can relate to their thoughts. So, all I’m saying is that, even if you don’t think my problems are as bad as those of others on here, you can still at least offer up some advice and let me know that you care to some extent. Please?
i’ve had it here. i don’t want any nonsense, just tell me how to leave this site please
First day of school and Iâ€™m already overwhelmed with stress and anger. My sister gets to enjoy over a month more of vacation before she leaves for college while Iâ€™m stuck having to deal with term paper, US History and Pre Calculus. What am I going to do after sheâ€™s gone? Itâ€™s not like we can Skype every single day. Iâ€™m just told to be happy for her. This is not what I had in mind for my junior year. All of my fun classes are out, including study hall. The whole reason I wanted those classes was to help make this year less stressful, but I have to use the schedule I have so I can get into college. Iâ€™ve had it with all of this work, stress, and worry. Iâ€™m also tired of being dependent on my parents and being under 18, always having to deal with restrictions? Everyone thinks that most of your interests are just phases, and that youâ€™re confused half the time. Iâ€™ve basically come to the conclusion that when youâ€™re a kid, youâ€™re just told about all the great things in life, but that you canâ€™t have them yet. Whereâ€™s the fun in not being able to go wherever you want when you want? Whereâ€™s the fun in being inexperienced and unaware? Whereâ€™s the fun in having to not be yourself in order to make others at school happy? What about me? I guess my feelings just donâ€™t matter enough. I’m told all this depression will go away eventually, but I want it gone NOW. This year hasnâ€™t really been that good for me, overall. Itâ€™s been uneventful and dull. Other than getting my license, itâ€™s been pretty unfulfilling. Iâ€™m tired of disappointing years. 2010 was pretty bad, but 2011 was just senseless. 2012 was pretty average, and 2013 is a little worse than average.Â Suicide is basically the only answer since thereâ€™s no other way out of it. The only thing holding me back is fear of the pain and of not being successful at it.
What’s the point? I hate everything. I hate being a teen, and I don’t want to go through whatever bullshit comes my way in life. It’s just going to be full of people who have no sympathy for you and just laugh at your misfortunes. I frustrate people to the point to where they want to just disappear when they listen to my problems. No one can get anywhere with me. I was even called “typically close-minded” today. I always thought I was better than that. I always think most of the poem “Richard Cory” perfectly describes me:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;Â
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
‘Good-morning,’ and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
I’m no king, but I definitely feel like I’m hiding behind a mask outside the home. Everyone thinks I’m this happy, easygoing person who likes to have fun, when the truth is that most of the time, I’d rather be dead. I don’t enjoy high school, and have yet to meet someone who does/did. You can barely develop as a person, since you either conform to whatever is considered cool, or no one pays attention to you. I don’t want to go through anymore suffering, and I certainly don’t want to add misery or sadness to anymore lives. I’m always worried I will never be happy, and then realize one day, that it’s too late to change anything. :'(
That sure has been the case with a few of my most important posts. 😛
I hate everything about the world. Today my dad got mad at me because I was by myself at a theme park looking for my group. He says I would have “no chance” against any fat fuck trying to pull me into a van because I’m “16 and 5-foot nothing.” Also, yesterday, I was out walking, and a boy in a car rolled down a window and shouted “Take it off, *****!” at me. I’ve gone through this a number of times. I’ve been whistled at and shouted at by boys and I hate it. I want to kill myself now because then I won’t ever have to worry about getting raped or harassed ever again. I wouldn’t even be killing myself over a temporary thing. This will be a lifelong problem since I am a girl. I will always have to look out for predators. Everyone always says to do so “especially since you’re a girl.” Fuck life. Fuck all the motherfuckers that think it’s fun to victimize and harass Â girls. I’m also tired of being inexperienced and having “next to no” knowledge of what life outside home is like, but I know that,in order to have that wisdom, you have to be older, and therefore, closer to the end of your life. I want to have experience and still have a lot of days left, but I know that will never happen.
This is a short story I wrote today. It’s a story of loss, learning, and recovery.
Somewhere, in an unknown area, there was a place that lay deep within the depths of a forest. It was called the haven. Surrounding it was an abundance of pink blossoms and lilies that were as white as snow. The grass that nurtured them was bright green and lightly blowing as the comforting breeze gave life to the area. Not once had humans touched it, for no person had ever discovered a place as beautiful and vivid as this. It was much too far away for even the best explorers to find. Every morning began with the frantic chirping of baby robins awaiting their mother, Lillyâ€™s, return with their food. She had four babies, and they lived together in the biggest tree in the haven. She had built their nest to the best of her ability, in order to protect and nurture them. Predators never disturbed the robins, so they were quite content with this peaceful little place to call home. The winds remained calm and the plants remained whole and alive. Always, there was peace within the haven.
Suddenly, as a result of some sort of change in the Earthâ€™s climate, winter hit the haven for the first time, and did so with immense brutality. Caught in a terrible storm consisting of rain, thunder, lightning, and even a little hail, the mother robin struggled to keep her nest intact and her babies safe. As she did her best to shield them from the pounding rain with her wings, she watched in horror as the haven was battered and mangled. Water flooded the ground, reducing the grass and flowers to a soggy mass of death. A huge bolt of lightning eventually struck the tree in which the robins lived, and down it went, taking them with it. The tree landed with a crash, and Lilly was knocked unconscious.
The storm passed within the next hour, and by the next day, there was not a cloud in the sky, but there was also not a trace of the haven left in sight. When Lilly finally came to, she took one look at her former home, and was overcome with shock. Everything was gone. Just like that. How could this have happened? She soon realized that her babies were nowhere to be found. For hours, she searched frantically for them, calling them out name by name:
â€œBailey! Nellie! Jacob! Eliza!â€
But she never received an answer from a single one of them. Then, it hit her. Her babies were dead. Their nest had been crushed when the tree fell to the ground. No, she thought. Not my home, and my entire family! Lilly had lost everything. All her hopes and beliefs in the world had been shattered, and there was no going back. Never, in her life, had she experienced anything like this. Lilly had been raised to believe that life treated you kindly as long as you were kind in return. But now she knew better than to think that way, and it was too late. Her parents had failed her. Inside, her mind was tangled in a mass of intense grief as well as betrayal. She was all alone in this great big world, which, outside of the haven, was a complete stranger to her. Where was she to go? How would she ever move on after all of this? Everything had been destroyed by the intense winter weather.
So she sat on a rock and cried. For hours and hours, she cried. She didnâ€™t feel like eating or flying anywhere. All she could do was cry. She missed her babies, and she missed her home, and she missed the bird she used to be. What had she done to deserve this? What reason do I have to feel whole? She wondered. Nothing, thatâ€™s what. As far as she was concerned, there was nowhere for her to go. Her parents were long gone, and her so-called â€œsoul mateâ€ had left her soon after the babies were born. Lilly had done her best to provide for them, and now they were gone.
When Lilly finally finished crying, she sat up, as though she expected it all to have been just a bad dream, but it wasnâ€™t. Everything was still gone, yes, but she noticed something different. Behind her former home was a small baby tree, still in the long process of growing up. The strangest thing was, despite all the wreckage surrounding it, two little bright green leaves stuck out from one of its branches. It was alive. The best part was that it had two decent-sized branches large enough to hold a nest! But what I could I build one out of? Lilly suddenly thought, bringing herself back to reality. What was left? She looked around for a long time, until she finally came across a standing tree somewhat outside of the haven. It held up well, for it still had bark and leaves. Using her nest-making skills, Lilly carefully took strips of bark from the tree that were big enough to sustain her weight. She worked for days. As she was building her nest, she thought about her babies, letting the tears fall as they would. She longed to hug them all, to see them again. After over a week of construction, the nest was complete. It looked great, but Lilly felt as though she was not quite ready to settle into her new home yet. Awful memories came back to her, causing her to cry uncontrollably. It always happened when she least expected it, so she decided it was best to leave the haven for a while in order to search for that reason to feel whole again. She didnâ€™t have a particular destination in mind, for she was not familiar with the outside world.
So she just flew. She flew higher than she ever had in her life. Days turned into weeks, and then into months. Over that time, Lilly took herself on the most amazing journey she had ever been on, over mountains, through prairies, and down seemingly endless valleys. She was stunned at the sight of the oceans. Eventually, she found herself making brand new observations, like how small she was compared to everything else she saw. It overwhelmed her, how huge the world was, but she loved it.
Finally, after over eighteen months, she was ready. Ready to return to the haven, as a brand new bird. She had seen so much in all that time, and she was glad of it. The journey home was about four days, but she was surprised that, when she finally reached it, it had changed completely. It was no longer damp and wet. The trees now stood taller than they ever had, and the flowers were once again blooming with life. But the best part was that new animals now inhabited the haven. Lilly saw rabbits, squirrels, and robins. Robins! Just like her! They were thrilled to find another robin in the haven, and happily invited her to join them in their little community within the trees, and even helped add extra parts to her new nest, which they had cared for in her absence. She never thought sheâ€™d think it, but she knew that she had found peace. She felt whole again.
Lilly spent the rest of her life making new friends and finding a new group to call her family. She realized that the pain of losing her babies is what ultimately made her into a stronger person. She would always miss them, but she would also be glad she learned what she did.
And once again, there was peace.
I really just want to kill myself. And I know what you all are thinking: “Oh, don’t kill yourself, there’s so much to live for!” “What will your family think?” “You’re being selfish!” Well, I don’t care. It’s not all about you. Why should I owe it to anyone to keep living if it just makes them happy? What about me? I just have to tough it out no matter what? That sounds selfish to me. Most of the time, I feel like I am wearing a mask when around others. I smile but inside I’m begging for a gun. I don’t give a motherfucking damn what anyone thinks about it because most of them don’t fucking understand what it’s like to truly feel suicidal. They just think it’s selfish no matter what your motives are. Some have tried to hint at me that they still get those feelings but they never actually admit it. I’ve taken everyone’s shit all my life. In the end, I don’t think anyone really stops to think about how their words or actions may affect me, but I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember. I’m always fucking told I need to work on thinking of other people, but sometimes I think that killing myself is the only way to get them to see how I feel, since they may just assume “Oh she’s just being a teenager” if I don’t. Sure, it’ll be too late to change anything, but what else can I do? I’ve been patient with life enough and whenever I think it’s going alright, it always goes back to being shit. I’ve been through terrible times, and hardly anyone outside of my family was there for me. Eventually, some of my family tried to say that what we went through was not “the same” as what others have gone through. So fucking what!?! Does that mean that it doesn’t matter, or that we don’t need anyone else’s comfort, because it’s not worth it or something? I’ve gone through some things I would consider to be very traumatic. I don’t mean things like physical abuse, but things like loss and verbal abuse. My self esteem was completely affected for the worst because of some of the things people have said to me, family included. My dad found a journal of bad things I wrote about myself based on what people have said to and called me, and showed them to my mom’s counselor, but she said I was just taking things out of context, exactly what my mom wanted to hear. It’s not fair. Sometimes I just think people deserve to learn the hard way by losing me.
I do. It seriously feels like a disability often. You have so much that you have to worry about like making sure you don’t get raped. Every time I go out somewhere, I’m always told not to be out too late since it’s “especially dangerous for girls.” I hate that. That makes me try to dress as much like a boy as I can, so maybe I’ll be mistaken for one. I think about cutting my hair short and not shaving, but then I’ll be labeled as a “butch lesbian” since I am gay. It’s not fair. Aside from the obvious things like getting your period, I hate feeling like the world has less faith in women, like it’s believed they can’t get as much done just because of their gender. I don’t want to spend my entire life making sure I don’t get attacked by some dumbass that hates women or having to deal with possible discrimination. Whenever someone jokes that women are bad drivers or they suck at working with mechanics, I just want to hit them. Fine, maybe I just can’t take those types of jokes but I can’t help it. Â It’s so frustrating. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I love to shop, wear makeup, wear revealing outfits, or carry a huge purse wherever I go. I try to find shorts or jeans with deep pockets or take just a tiny bag with me. Guys, I hate this. I literally just want to die every time I’m reminded of what boundaries are set for me because of my gender. 🙁
Sorry for posting yet another rant, but I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. I truly despise being a kid, under 18 to be more specific. Everyone tries to tell me that it’s “the best time of your life” to be this age since you don’t have any really big responsibilities, but I think those people must have pretty bad lives if they think that way. I guess I should just list off everything I specifically hate:
1. Under constant responsibility of an adult – If you’re not with your parents, then the staff at school,or the parents of a friend, or a therapist is responsible for whatever happens to you. I want to be able to take care of myself. Because of this, you have to always let someone know where you’re going and they have final say on most things. If you drive, you have curfew. You can’t go to any movie by yourself because you’re not old enough (I know you can at 17, but you get the idea). You can’t go wherever you want whenever you want because you just CAN’T. Where’s the fun in that?
2. School – To put it simply, for the most part, I hate school. I’m going into my junior year of HS so I know I’ll be graduating soon, but I’m tired of cliques and fitting in and all of that nonsense. You simply cannot be whoever you want to be, ESPECIALLY in my case since I’m L of the LGBT. And parents are checking grades and then if they see something they don’t like, they’re all, “Why is this grade a C?” or something.
3.Changes – As a teen, you’re constantly changing so half the time you feel as though you’re crazy (at least I do.) One day you’re fine, and the next you hate everything. Everyone who’s older assumes you’re confused about something, especially when it comes to my sexuality. Or, someone who I think will be a good friend is no longer interested the next year.
So in closing, what’s so fun about being in this age??? I need a reason.
Everyone “understands,” but no one really “gets it.” No one has the slightest clue of what it’s like to go through what I’m facing. To this day, I know nobody in my life who is LGBT. I’m all by myself with this. Anytime I’ve told someone, I’ve had to deal with questions like “Are you confused?” or “Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?” and I get so annoyed by them. How does everyone think those questions make me feel, as the receiver? My parents accept me, but I have to keep it a secret from everyone else now since I can’t trust that their reaction will be good
I hate myself. It’s as though I always give people a reason to not trust me, or I give myself a reason to not trust myself, even though I think I’m doing fine. Whatever I’m doing seems to not ever be good enough, from grades to chores. I don’t fucking care if I am “inexperienced” or if my problems “aren’t as bad,” because one day I’ll look back and see how stupid I was. That basically proves that life gets worse. They fucking matter now! Doesn’t anyone trust me? I do my homework. Ok, maybe I’m not as good with chores as I used to be, but I do almost everything with the dog except walks. I hate school because my parents seem to think that the only way to do well is to do nothing but homework on school nights because oftentimes when I am watching TV or something on a school night, one of them will ask why I’m not studying. I literally just want to yell, “Because I have a motherfucking life outside of stupid school!” I’m glad the school year is almost done so I can finally be free for a little while.
My patience is very limited. I do so much to try and be a friend, and yet whenever I tell my parents about how sad I am to not have anyone at school to talk to, they say I need to try harder. What else can I do? I’m still that one person who is left out when the teacher says to break into groups, or do anything else that involves teamwork. I feel like suicide is the only way to get everyone to understand how much what they say or do can hurt me, but they still may not even care.
I wish everyone would know that, just because I am under 18, does not mean that I am always confused, selfish, ungrateful, going through a “phase,” overdramatic, or anything else that makes me sound like I’m considered dysfunctional. Every time I have told someone I am gay, I always get asked the same things: “Why do you think that?” “Are you confused?” “Don’t you think this might just be a phase?” Sorry, but after being on the receiving end of those questions for a while, it’s officially old and, quite frankly, annoying. I’m the only person in my family going through this and have no one else to talk to that knows what it’s like. No one in my life will ever have the experiences I am having right now being a gay teen. Hearing people say “That’s so gay” as a substitute for “That’s so stupid” is really frustrating because they don’t seem to understand why that is considered offensive. Isn’t it obvious? You’re using the word “gay” to describe things you do not like. Of course I can’t express being offended to them. Who knows what would happen if they learned my secret! That’s what I’m tired of also. Always having to keep it a secret from everyone because the world is not mature enough to handle “such a thing.” My school is Catholic and all-girls, so I’m especially an outcast. I can’t talk to any of my classmates because I’m so awkward. I’m an atheist (don’t hate me for it!) lesbian, so I’ve got two strikes against me. Due to personal experiences, I’ve no reason to believe in a God. They don’t say it directly, but they expect everyone in my school to have a boyfriend/husband in life. They hardly ever say “spouse.” To put it simply, I’m a lesbian atheist who plays electric guitar, loves classic rock, doesn’t care for popular things often, and talks too maturely for others to understand. Ouch. 🙁
Many of us on here have experienced a tremendous amount of tragedy and loss in our lives unfortunately. I wanted to share with you what I went through, and how it changed my life.
It all started on January 15, 2011. That morning, my parents had taken my 9-year-old cat Tiger to the vet. During the past few days, we noticed that he had become more distant from us, and began to suffer weight loss and smell odd. He also was found in places we normally didn’t find him, mainly my parents’ bathroom. However, being the foolish optimist that I was at the time, I never even thought of the possibility of something bad happening to anyone in my family, and was sure that we would be able to treat whatever was making him ill. But I was wrong. That afternoon, we got a call from my mom at the vet, announcing that Tiger had complete kidney failure, and that there was no hope for a recovery. I was advised to stay home while the rest of the family went to the vet to be with him before he was put down, for they felt it was not necessary for his current condition to be my last memory of him.
Days passed. I cried in the morning, afternoon, and night. My buddy was gone. There was no one there to sleep in my bed with me anymore. No one there to give me good-morning rubs. No one to come visit me while I did homework.
Finally, over three weeks past. We were told that the urn we had picked out for his ashes was ready to be sent home. During those weeks, I had tried to find comfort from schoolmates. Sadly, this is where I learned that society is often not sympathetic after one loses an animal. Unfair, right? The most I would get would be no more than a couple of days of hugs.
Suddenly, right before the one-month anniversary of Tiger’s death, our 19-year-old cat Tigger (called Boo-Boo), lost a serious amount of weight, and eventually stopped eating and using the litter box. He looked awful, and on February 10, was put out of his misery in the same vet Tiger died in.
Two animals gone, only our 7-year-old dog Bailey left. But life must have wanted to teach me a serious lesson about something, because soon after Boo-Boo was gone, she began to suffer stomach pain and wouldn’t get up. I thought she was grieving along with us, but upon visiting a vet in a nearby town, Bailey was diagnosed with cancer. I watched her slip away physically, until she was no longer able to climb the stairs by herself, run, or eat. On March 7, just over a month before her 8th birthday, doctors told us even surgery would not guarantee a full recovery, and she was gone.
The house was empty now, and I never looked forward to entering it. I hated myself for trusting life so much. I certainly had no interest in getting another dog (not that it’s THAT easy), or in anything else. I couldn’t play my guitar, concentrate in school, or write anything. Even while outside the house I was tortured by everything I saw or herd, such as people out walking with their dogs, kids at school talking about their cats, commercials for PetsMart, shows on Animal Planet. I needed a reason to feel whole again. In school, they tried to tell us that animal had no souls. After all that I went through, I wanted (and still want) no part in any religion of any kind, and do not believe in God (don’t hate me for it!).
After four awful months at home, Mom could no longer stand being in an empty house alone, and began searching online for different breeds. She expressed interest in a golden retriever. I let her talk away, because I had no interest at all. Finally, one day, she mentioned that a female golden retriever had hatched into the world on May 2, and needed a home. We never got to experience puppyhood with Bailey, since she had spent the first five months of her life in a canine academy, where weÂ attemptedÂ to train her. I decided to go. Why not? Maybe I’ll actually like this puppy.
We arrived at the breeding house, where an energetic puppy was scurrying frantically around her kennel. Excited to see new people, she grabbed the nearest toy and tried to decide which of us she would greet first. We sat with her for about an hour. The puppy was a little wet since she had fallen into her water bowl shortly before we arrived. She climbed all over us and showed off all her toys. I suddenly felt a warm sense of peace and happiness that I did not think I would ever feel again. We talked it over at home and on July 1, 2011, Lilly Grace was adopted and brought home into my life.
In closing, Lilly is now two years old, and has brought so much joy to me, and helped me to discover a new love and appreciation for life and for animals. Without her, I don’t know where I’d be today. I also look back on Tiger, Boo-Boo, and Bailey and think about how lucky I was to have them as part of my life. I don’t trust life the same way I did anymore, but that doesn’t stop me from loving Lilly as much as I do.
Hi again friends,
Happy Easter. Glad to be out of school for a bit, but I’m sad tonight. I was told that my ongoing habit of playing with my hair was apparently such a nuisance that it was possible that I could be grounded from going to concerts, one of my favorite things to do. Look, habits are really hard to break, from hair playing, to nail biting. I think many of us have had to deal with them. It can take time to get over them, but I don’t think it’s fair to go as far as grounding me for not having done so already.
Hi again. Sorry I have not posted anything for a while. But I’ve been thinking…
I really and truly hate myself. There’s never actually been a moment in my life in which I’ve looked at myself and thought, “I love me,” to be honest. I just can’t help but feel as though I often mess things up and not please others as best I can. No matter how hard I try in school, I feel as though it’s not good enough. School is really frustrating and tiring, and every day I think about killing myself, whether I’m in a good mood or not. It just happens, and I don’t know why. With semester finals coming up, this is basically the time of year in which my thoughts of suicide are at their highest. Also, my sister is graduating this year, and moving up state, about 5 hours away, to start university. I don’t know how I’m going to adjust to that, because I’m so used to having her around. Â :'(
Hi friends. Haven’t had anyone to talk to who is going through the same problems I am right now. I’m always told that there are others who have it worse than me, but I only take that as a nicer way of saying “I don’t care enough.” For starters, I am gay. I have known it since age 12, and am now 16. No one understands what it’s like to feel what I feel, and anyone who did left my high school. I go to an all-girls school, so it’s especially hard for me, since I’m too awkward to talk to any of the students there. I’m tired of the same question that comes up whenever I come out to someone: Are you sure you’re not confused? Hi. Just so you know, I’m not confused about everything just because I’m a teen. I see where that question comes from, but when you’re on the receiving end of it, it gets annoying. No, I have not been abused, or gone through anything to make me feel an attraction to girls. I just AM. I feel suicidal about it because I don’t want to face the world’s persecution. It may not be as prolific as it used to be, but it still exists. My school is Â also Catholic, so there are teachers and students who are not afraid to make it clear that only a man and a woman are meant to be together in marriage. Thus, I am so awkward at school that I don’t really have friends, just casual acquaintances. I’m told that another reason why I lack friends is because I have what is called a don’t-approach-me body language most of the time. Some seem to be in this mindset that says that quiet people just hate people. Shut up. It’s not true. I’m also just fed up with being a teen. I feel trapped in a bubble of just going to school and then back home and can only go out when the parents say I can, and if I do go out, there’s always some kind of curfew. I’m done with getting grounded, having the burden of worrying about school, and feeling like I’m viewed as dysfunctional because of my age. At school, you can only get friends if you’re considered good enough for the person you want to be friends with. No one wants to be friends with you because they like you for who you are.
I suffered some horrible tragedies in 2011 with the deaths of my two cats to kidney failure, my dog to cancer, and my grandfather to Parkinson’s, and everyone only cared for a short period of time, because they were “just cats,” or it was “only a dog.” After a while, they stopped caring and some even dared to tell me to “go to the pet store because they’re having a sale.” An animal is not a material object that can simply be replaced if lost! I was stuck to grieve on my own and find some kind of peace with everything.
In closing, I am just sick and tired of everything, from school to being depressed. I wish that I could just die most of the time.