after a few weeks of leaving, i got my life back on track. i got help, met amazing friends, and discovered a wonderful thing that changed my life. then hurricane sandy. my friend was left in a cramme dapartment. that was fixed though when she moved in with her cousin, my friends boyfriend, and a good friend to me. we were fine. then she got mad. she locked us out of our shared cosplay account, and our personel accounts. she told lies to another one of my friends, who i always spoke of them to her. a week or so later we resolved and were friends again, gaining my friends trust again. we were fine. then christmas rolled around. my friend moved. his boyfriend was lost without him, and he still crys himself to sleep. we still stay in touch with him. we were fine. i became a satanist, prepared for whatever challenges i get now. i met angela, my girlfriend, she can put up with my episodes of crying and cutting and trying to kill myself.
i still have problems. same as always.
but my problem with angela.
she lives all the way on the other side of america.
i still love her though.
but that dosent change that each and every day i wish that i was dead. all i want is a way to kill myself. i have ways of course, but none of them ever work. i dont have a gun, im 5’9 and my cheiling is 5’11 so i cant hang myself, ive tried to bleed to death, that dosent work. i cant jump because there are no bridges around me, and i couldent get away to do it.ive already tried suffication and overdose too many times. i just want death. cold hard death. painful, at that.
sorry for waisting your time.
1 comment
“Doesn’t change that each and every day i wish that i was dead.”
After awhile that wish becomes a part of us, a part of our personality, another persona, trapped were not even sure why and what were really wishing.
That’s the power of a dark wish, it takes hold of us and distorts everything we think we know and experience.
Caught in the drama of relationship, looking to the other to fix us make us whole, to “complete us†save us, the dark wish only laughs, “yes keep your focus outside yourself, victim, you want to die, don’t forget”. But you won’t it sneers
The dark wish clings to life! That is its malevolence! It genius!
Pain and fear are its tools, fear of pain its life blood, how they love to play with each other, each creating the other. Can you feel its joyous contempt it has for you?
The dark wish knows it is the pain of life that we can’t endure.
The dark wish demands life without pain, so it kills off the best parts of our selves in order to create itself.
Life without pain is life without growth, and life without growth is a life of pain.
Death of a thousand cuts only we don’t physically die, that would kill the dark wish. No the dark wish feeds of the cuts of soul pain, in order to rejuvenate itself. The darek wish is a vampire! immortality at the price of our life blood, curesed to live forever dead!
The irony! The dark wish for death to live forever dead!
Do you see the joke? Attempting to avoid the pain of life we create the pain of life and the dark wish!
The dark wish clings to life! That is its malevolence! It genius!