you are right wendy. after some thought i realize that is what i am doing. i am pushing away my husband, my family, friends, and now the both of you. but the hurt and the anger were real. this disturbs me. despite current appearances i am not prone to hysterics. and that was exactly what i was after leaving the office. i don’t know where that came from. though i suspect hormones had a role to play. it freaks me out to know that my subconscious mind is in a way conspiring against me. that leads me to believe that my suicide if not imminent , is going to happen . i am taking care of details. spring cleaning, paying off bills etc. i am sabotaging my health-on purpose. i know what i am doing but i can’t seem to stop myself. this all scares me. am i really that fucked in the head? it would seem so.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
I do this too. Self sabotage to put myself in a position where suicide becomes an increasingly viable option. Severing attachments to make it easier.
It occurred to me that there must be some aspect of ambivalence or resistance to the idea of Suicide to be doing this. If there was no doubt at all, I wouldn’t need to manufacture a shitty dead end situation. I’d just do it, with no regrets of what was being left behind
yes there is an ambivalence there. when the suicidal drive isn’t showing itself. i have had an ambivalent attitude toward life for a very long time. kind of a take it or leave it thing, depending on my mindset. my rational mind says that suicide is a shitty thing to do to the people who love me. but the depressed, emotional mind says fuck that. i have done my time and i want out. who wins?