This is different

I honestly did not expect this I had a really bad day yesterday really bad I ended up smoking and drinking again normally I would be mad at myself. I promised my boyfriend I would quit because he thinks it not a good way to cope I know he’s right. I just sometimes don’t care because I hurt really not an excuse just my reasoning. I full of bad ideas but people always tell me I act like there is nothing to lose. I have one thing I could lose and came very close to last night I’m pretty sure he’s the only thing keeping me alive besides my whole family calling me selfish why did I think they would change? Well I got wasted and my boyfriend found out. I said some pretty mean things because I was angry at everything because I had my drunk logic going on which is pretty stupid I thought that I had the right to have fun. I really was not having fun. Well I’ll get the point I hurt him really bad and he’s so sensitive. I can’t feel a thing today I’m so empty like I have no heart. But I can’t care right now. I feel like a zombie.