This is not me

I’ve been going through depression for 3 years now. I’m 15. I use to think that it would get better and pray to god it would. I stopped I guess I lost hope in it three years does not seem like a long time but it is when you can barley get out of bed or do anything. I have no friends I once did but I push them all away. I began using drugs to numb the pain I tried weed spice meth and pills. Always getting in trouble for drinking. I screwed up my head and I basically became mute I only talk to my boyfriend. I treat him bad a lot be cause I get anxious a lot and I get uncomfortable. He thinks that I don’t love him because I don’t want to be touched when I’m like that. When I need him the most he goes to his friends house. I understand why he does I just want to lay and cuddle in silence I want to be told I love you and that things are gonna be okay. I never complain I listen and let him get drunk and rant. I barley talk to my parents. I don’t read or write poetry anymore. I barley leave my room. I want to die. I just want peace of mind. To feel loved. Too love and trust. Maybe I deserve this I fucked my life up can I redo everything. This is not me, I lost myself some where along the way and I want go back to being me not this worn out low self esteem suicidal person. I promised I would not give up but I don’t know how much more I can go.  I’m so lost.