I’m stuck in place. People rush past me in a blur and no matter how hard i try, i can’t seem to catch up to them. The weight of my life is crushing me, stealing my breath and taking with it my sanity. Every day I have to adjust my face so that i  blend in with the world around me. Hide the fear and desperation from my eyes, and pretend to feel normal. Why am i doing this? Why can’t I turn off these thoughts and feelings that make me shrink back into myself. I am not this person. This timid, emotional, angery person. I dont hurt the people that care about me, just so that i can keep them at arms length. Never letting them get close enough to see who i really am. It would just make it harder. Everything would be harder. The way i feel, the way i think, it can’t be fixed. I can’t be fixed.    But what of that? In all reality, my life thus far would be easily forgoten. Eighteen short years, here and gone. Disappointment in myself is becoming almost too hard to swallow. I hate the person i have been, and the person i am now. I hate lying to my family. I hate being fake with my friends. I hate hiding the scars. But more than anything else, I hate feeling so god damn scared.
3 comments
Wow, does anyone you know feel the same way as you? Anyone you can ignore everyone else with? It seems chasing everyone else is really not doing you any good. Can you somehow take a break from it all and figure everything out? If you hate all that then it should push you to find a new lifestyle that you can live harmoniously with. I’m sorry, but nobody here is going to hate you! 🙂
My little sister. That’s who I ignore the world with. But she can never know how far I’ve sunk. She looks up to me, and as undeserving as I am of that, I don’t want to become someone to pity. As for changing my life style, I have spent the last few years trying to. I just don’t know if its worth it anymore.
Aww, that’s sweet that you do that with your sister. A child may be innocent and not see things properly, but if one respects you then you obviously are a person they like very much, so I am sure you are deserving of that. Maybe you should just stick with who you are, that will probably get you the furthest out of all your options I guess?