my state of mind

i apologize if this all sounds kind of random. i have been having a hard time trying to organize my thoughts. being organically enhanced has nothing to do with it by the way. it is 420 on wednesday and a feeling of dread is filling me. my alone time is quickly coming to an end. every evening is becoming a chore to not get into a fight with dave. i don’t know if i am just hypersensitive but his snide remarks and general sarcasm upset me and are generally wearing me down. tired, so very tired. as i mentioned my mood has taken a dive. got teary at work today. not good. emotional outbursts at work will not be tolerated. the thought of social interaction sounds like so much work. i can only fake pleasantness for so long. after that i usually just withdraw. i don’t know how to get it across to you that this go around is somehow different. not that you are familiar with my previous depressive episodes. this time things seem more hopeless. i am beginning to not really care about how anyone else will be affected by my passing. and the fact that i am even seriously considering drowning myself says something. plan a is still in effect, but there is plan b, c . the fact that i am having such a hard time expressing myself is a curious one. it is like i am blocked. everything is under such a tight wrap even i can’t get there. which means things are just going to continue to build-till it reaches a breaking point. you should know that i won’t be so obvious this time around. you got your freebie in february. delivered myself on a silver platter. not so much this time. besides hospitalization is nothing but a panacea. a temporary reprieve from madness. the madness always comes back.