im 15, i was intelligent and social and was great at my sport, riding ( debate if its a spot or not, to me it is) but after wasting two weeks of my life doing two seperate all round scholarship examinations i still couldnt afford to get in. i gave up. i was vulnerable, and insecure, my selfesteen dropped, i let guys twice my age use me for sex. i let them get me high, they told me it would make me happy. the school found out everything made a big deal. turns out one guy was a close friend of my best friend of 9 years. she got her mum (deputy head) to try and get me kicked out of school. my only companion left, my horse, got put down due to a bone spavin. kids at school found out about everything, now i get phone calls from the guys sport teams calling me a slut, demanding sex. its been a year now since it all started, i cant stand people touching me, or talking to me. if someone even looks at me funy, i lash out. its not me. im doing no one any good. im never going to do anyone any good. i sleep all day and cry randomly for no reason, ive been bymylsef for the last two weeks in my room, avoiding everyone, my mocks start tomorrow, im so fucked. therell be 2000 kids everywhere. im scared, i dont trust myself to hold it together. i want to die. 12 GCSE’s ? no chance. life? god no, ive already faied at that.
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You’re 15 years old. You’re still young and you have potential. You began to see your body as an object, and you seem to have gotten out of that way of thinking, because you claim that you can’t stand people touching you. Depending on what you used to get high, it might not be such a big issue unless you have become dependent on it. Your friend was just scared and was trying to protect her friend. She made a **** move, but it sounds like it was pure panic that led her to do so, or you wouldn’t have been best friends for 9 years. She was probably shocked too because it’s not every day you find out your best friend has been doing things like you mentioned.
About your horse – I’m sorry. I don’t know what that’s like, to lose a career before it started. But the way you reacted – I do know what that’s like, you self-destructed and dug a hole, you feel is too big to get out of.
You shouldn’t really worry about the GCSE’s – if you’re smart, they’ll be piss easy. You sound as if you’re from the UK. The education system is fucked here. You’ve got nothing to worry about.
I hope things improve for you.
Where a lot of people struggle is that they DON’T KNOW where the problem is or where it originated. They suddenly just get depressed for no apparent reason.
But it sounds like you know exactly where it all stems from, you have articulated it and also found a community which can help, so you are miles ahead. Something happened which made you feel insecure and affected your self-esteem. Then you had additional stress.
Have you already tried going to a doctor or school counsellor about this? What have they said?
They could help you, not only medically, it could also give you a contingency plan if you want to appeal your mock GCSE results.
I know it is hard but just disregard those fuckwits, the guys, the sports team. You are giving them an importance in your life which they don’t deserve. I am sure there are other people who love you very much and only want you to be happy.
Good luck in your exams. Nobody can take away your intelligence! You sound like you are very stressed with exams, and that is understandably making you lose perspective. That is what stress does to you and it is totally normal to be stressed during exams. Just hold tight. I promise the exams won’t be as bad as you think, and even if they were, they are over in a few weeks anyway, then it’s summer, and you really won’t care anymore about them.
Take care x
thank you, i have been to my GP and was on a 3 month course of marvelon, due to imbalances but ive run out and cant get anymore anytime soon, hence this kind of melt down. the school refered me to a counsellor, who then refered me to a phsychiatrist due to my selfharming, which ive done for years now, but nothing has gone any further for almost 6 months.
i sure hope the exams arent that bad, have 3 science exams in 6 weeks time and 6 more next year, its next summer we all finish due to the new system -_-
thank you again x