Hi. I really don’t know who to word this (yeah, I am pretty socially awkward). Well, basically here is my story:
I lived a pretty normal childhood. I had nice parents and friends and stuff. My mom and dad WERE separated, but it didn’t really effect me (or is it affect? Sorry, I am bad at grammar. Well, either ‘effect’ or ‘affect’, you know what I mean). Again, pretty normal childhood, but somewhere around when I was five or six years old I started to feel weird. Worthless. Just like, no one cared. I had a little moment were I really just felt like giving up. It was summer, so we had a little pool. I screamed that I was going to drown myself and shoved my head underwater. I wasn’t under long enough to get hurt, because my mother pulled me back out.
I soon got over that, and resumed being a normal kid. I am not sure when my suicidal thoughts started again, maybe the 3rd or 4th grade. I didn’t take any action, just felt awful.
Well, I guess that’s enough for my childhood. Here’s what’s happening now ( and, yes, I know that sounded a bit selfish, but I really can’t think of a better way to word it):
In the middle of this school year, a new kid came to school. By this point, I was a loser, got anxious around lots of people at school, stammered (a lot), and I shook ALL THE TIME. Also, I managed to look pretty terrible at school. This new kid… He was cute, charming, polite, and basically perfect. He sat next to me in two out of the four classes we have. We had a small friendship. All the classes were boring, so mostly we talked straight through them. In the other one I had with him, where we didn’t sit so close to each other, we would smile at each other and mouth words and make faces. He was a like able kid.
Eventually, I had this friend, and she would talk about him all the time, but still claimed that she didn’t have any kind of crush on him. I saw straight through it. I knew she did. Everyone knew that. I, too, had a small crush on him, but I hid it well.
I was depressed all through my birthday, which was a Friday (this will make sense in a second). My close friends threw me a surprise party. I think that’s where I learned to fake laugh. Anyway, I went back to school on Monday. I walked into the bathroom, where one of my friends was already waiting. She told me that that friend (yes, the one that liked the new kid. I will refer to her as Friend M.) was dating the new kid. I was shocked. I always thought we were too young for dating and that crap. But I when to class and asked him, and it was true. They spent four hours talking on Friday. That’s when they got together. Friend M could have told me at the party. I felt like crap. Again.
Well, their off and on dating crap continued for a month or so. Soon, all the new kid and I talked about was Friend M. That’s it. He began lying a lot. And I don’t mean like I asked him a question and he told me the wrong answer. I mean like, he would tell me random things that weren’t true.
At this point I was done. Felt depressed. Cried all the time. He got to be an awful person. He cussed me out over nothing. Friend M left him. I was over.
Sure.
He called me in the middle of the night, saying he was sorry. I knew it was all lies, but we t along with it anyways. We talked for hours, each one making me feel worse. That night I started cutting. I felt as if I deserved it.
Well, enough with him. That’s basically his story. Now, truthfully, I can barely look at him. I know this is ridiculously long, so I will try and make this as short as I can.
Lately I have been depressed, but this just made me wanna quit:
I have this one guy friend that I have known since 1st grade. He is like my brother. We are, oops, I meant were, really close. I have this other suicidal friend, and he started making fun of her for it. That was not like him at all. I stepped up and slapped him straight across the face. I screamed at him about it. He almost cried ( which killed me). I though I would never forgive him. But, instantly after I walked away, I was sitting with another friend, crying over it. I knew he was depressed. I called him a few times to make sure he didn’t do anything dumb, to tell him I cared, that I was sorry, but he left as soon as he could. He hated me and I knew it. I tried to think of a way to apologize, but I don’t know what to say. I have to see him today. I really don’t want to, yet I can’t wait.
I know I should have said this earlier, but yesterday, I got outta bed, stood up, started thinking about him, and just started sobbing uncontrollably.
I know that doesn’t seem like much, but it was pretty bad. I now feel worse than I ever have. And I know this is really long but I needed to say this. Also, currently, my best friend and music are mostly my only joys in life. They are why I am still here. And, remember that suicidal friend I have that I mentioned earlier? I feel like I have to save her. After I do that though…when I get her to stop cutting, and everything… I don’t know what I’ll do…