It is getting worse, as far as how i’m feeling from day to day. it was getting better for a while but then all good things have to end right? When i’m around you i feel better for the time we have, its like im being fed hope, just to hold on for a little bit to make it to the next day or the next time i’ll see you. usually i can hold on, be ok til i see you again. hold my own. usually. this last week was probably one of the worse in a while. physical and emotional stresses almost killed me, not literally but you get what im saying. the physical stresses have lessened but them emotional/mental ones have picked up the slack that the physical ones are lacking now, needless to say they’ll be back later in the week. Ive wanted to start cutting again but i havent thanks to promises ive made. running the tip of my knife on my skin still feels good though, give me a sort of tingling feeling. no injuries of course. i cant seem to have a good day or just to hold a good mood for anything. i wish i had a different heart or just not one at all. thoughts of suicide have crept back into my mind, again. i may seriously try, i dont know. i remember when i used to pray that god would kill me in my sleep or just take me. is it bad that i’d dont know what starts all this? i wonder if i just left one day, what people who do, how would they react? what they would think, how long til they forget or give up. i remember when i used to think about disappearing and all the scenarios of what would happen. i’m tired. i wonder who all takes pity on me. i wonder if its because…i dont know where i was going with that
til next time