Flowing Thought 2? 4/11/13
(excuse the appearance of this one, written while high)
What do you do with a little girl who’s told herself shes nothing?
That girl is me. Grown up with no motive to live, escaping through pain, hiding in the shadows, I am nobody I proclaim, and that is true.
Holding the fire up to my newest “escape plan†and breathing in. Letting the smoke out and feeling free.
Once it hits, there’s no going back.
I feel serene, as calm as a small wave hitting against a sandy shore.
The clock slows and opens the window for me as I fly right out, dashing through the buildings of this diverse borough.
I don’t worry because I don’t feel. I become wrapped in the mystery of my inner mind. I’ve escaped my external tortured mind, the same mind that fills my head with dark thoughts. Let it rest as I wander into my internal mind, the untouched lands of me, myself and I.
The mirror invites me over as I stare at someone I don’t know.
I can’t recognize myself. The deeper I go into my head, the less I recognize myself. All I see is a monster staring back.
Hate is the word that pops in my head the longer I stare. I know I hate myself, but right now it doesn’t matter.
Walking through the sea of people that is my school, still tumbling through my own mind, seeing my own world getting black around the edges. A fearful event indeed but I make it to class.
The day slaves on and I walk home.
My high slowly creeping down, I can think and recall the day’s memories.
The little caged bird inside of me sings it’s song, “I want to be free, I want to be free, I want to be free…â€
And this is true.
When I am pushed back into reality, I will be that bird.
Death himself has wrapped it’s arms around me whispering “It’s time.â€
And now everyday has become a day of silent goodbyes, even if I try to delay with a flame and a puff.
The question remains, what am I fleeing from?
Sanity is questionable at this point as my thoughts become more disconnected.
I am disconnected.
Literally, I am lost. I am afraid of how lost I am, when will I return to my responsibilities? My duties pile up as I ignore them all, only to find solace from my inner self.
Yet my quest seems to be wasted, as the more I escape, the harder reality hits when I return.