right now the urge to ace myself is strong. i don’t really know why. these urges come and go. for the most part i just ride them out. not now i say. time isn’t right. like there is a “right” time to die. there are things that need to be taken care of. loose ends tied up. careful consideration is called for. i have selected a few days next month. chances are those days will mean nothing. i am stubborn till the end. MY time schedule. not depression’s. so i am supposed to try being sober for x amount of days. to try to get an accurate measurement of where i am med wise. that is going to be a challenge. i have a lot of time on my hands during the week. so while doing household chores i like to indulge. makes the chores more enjoyable. not a good enough excuse i know , but hey wtf. while it is true that i have never been on this exact cocktail before, previous experience says it makes no difference. meds only go so far for me. why would this time be any different? it concerns me that i have no intention of giving up my vices even though it is probably in my best interests. and i know that i will get reprimanded in some way. i am a big girl i can take it. i just don’t want to. it is my escape from me, my husband, the world, life. reality kinda sucks at the moment. even now the urge to leave this house and “fall” into the river is strong. it would be so easy. my absence wouldn’t be noticed for awhile. who knows when or if i would be found. its times like now that it all seems so reasonable. expected even. as fucked up as that sounds. chances are good that at the crucial moment i won’t reach out to anyone. keep things to myself like i always do. there won’t be any dramatic rescue. just me -dead.
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The idea of escape is enticing, but could there be another way? A different kind of escape? Is there anything you could do that would give you pleasure? Was there anything before you were married?
I think about when I was a child i escaped by reading or make believe but when we grow up it seems so hard to go into another reality without an outside force. Our minds seem to turn against us, but maybe there is a way we can escape like a child, by finding something that gives us joy.
I’m writing this to myself as much as you. I have many of the same kind of feelings as you describe here. Maybe there is a way we can escape and still stay here.
there are 2 escapes i mention here. the nonsober escape and the permanent one. the sobriety thing has been difficult so far. the problem with finding a “good” escape is that i no longer know what that would be. it has been a very long time since i could lose myself in an activity. as for the permanent one my fears, reservations are fading away. something that has never happened before. i will truly be amazed if i survive the year.