I self harm, but because I have never had to get stitches or go to the hospital for anything I feel unworthy of that title. Like I am posing.
I constantly compare my scars and wounds with everyone else’s, I love seeing them and realise that I am quite obsessed with scars, burns, self harm in general. When I am close enough to see someone else’s arms or legs I can’t help but look at them, just in case they are like me… And when they are, I feel so inadequate.
I want to do more and more and more, because they make me beautiful, I believe they are a part of me, of my identity and who I am now. But when I look online to connect with others that feel the same, they are always so ashamed of their cuts and scars, they regret them and hate them. I love mine. I cannot relate to this shame. I can understand. But I cannot relate.
But maybe it’s because my self harm wasn’t as bad as theirs, so I shouldn’t comment.
I am so lost. I am so alone.
2 comments
I don’t self harm, but I can understand comparing my pain with others’ pain. I look around me and I see a sea of horror, a multitude of people falling apart while I simply live, generally pretty content. What I can say is that your pain is not “inadequate” to anyone else’s. You are still feeling pain, and it’s not exactly a race to see who can hurt the worst.
I’ll probably say something wrong if I ramble on enough, but let me say that self harm can become an addiction. A few of my friends are addicted to it, and refuse to get help for it.
It sounds to me like you’re addicted to self harm. It may or may not be (hopefully, slowly) consuming you from the inside out.
You may need to kill an addiction before the addiction kills you.
Hey, its fine to not be ashamed of them! I used to love mine, and now I don’t 🙁 I honestly wish that I still did because its SO much easier to deal with when you accept them and consider it part of yourself. I’m still quite obsessed with looking it up everywhere, see as much as I can. I look at peoples arms and legs for it just like you do. I never went to the hospital for it either, and I would look at pictures online and feel inadequate but now I realize that is not a good road to go down. I felt just like you, I thought they were beautiful badges of honor, they showed what I went through. It didn’t matter what it was because I didn’t go to the hospital. But now i’m trying to get out of it and since I kept going deeper I have these red scars on my arm and leg. Do NOT get to the point where you should be going to the hospital, because once you try to heal it’ll be really hard. Let whatever you’re feeling out in other ways, write a poem, violently splatterpaint (my favorite), exercise, the list goes on. Don’t judge yourself by what others have done. Trust me, your really don’t need those big scars in your life. You can move past this, you really can!! Wear your scars with pride, but do not make any more