What’s it like?

I’d like to share a bit of my life with you, if that is okay.

I have attempted suicide 3 times in my short life.

The third time, I actually got somewhere. It took a lot, that night, but I finally got my heart to stop. I’ll elaborate.

Basically, I spent an entire night trying to kill myself. By the end of my many failed attempts, I was very frustrated. I drove to walmart of all places, in my frustration. I bought a bottle of 98 sleeping pills. I sat in their parking lot at 3 am, and I took the entire bottle. When I was close to done, a walmart employee, rushed to my car window with her cell phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She asked through the window if I was okay. She was frantic. She told me the EMTs were on their way. I was so mortified. I had ruined that girls night, and now I had failed again. But I didn’t realize what all those pills were doing to me.

I was barely conscious while the cops, who showed up first, made fun of me. They made fun of the blood running down my arms. They made fun of my hair. They tortured me.

The EMTs arrived, and I don’t remember the ride, itself. I started hallucinating at the end of the ride.

When I was in the hospital bed, they hooked me up to hundreds of machines, and asked me questions. My brain couldn’t instruct my mouth to move, much less make words.

Then the entire hospital room was torn in half.
I fell, but I couldn’t see anything. But there was this horrible pain that I could never describe. It was so intense, and I was aware of only pain. My entire body felt like it was turning inside out.

I couldn’t tell you how long that lasted, but after that, I grabbed onto something really soft. It pulled me up out of the pain. I wiped my eyes, and could see.

I was holding on to a finger. Connected to a hand that was larger than my whole body.

The voice that was connected to a hand said this to me:

“You can let go if you want. But you can hold on, as well.”

Then the defibrillator shocked me back to life.

Your life is all planned out. It’s going to get better. I promise.

Hahaha. Right? I could barely say a word to them, but I wanted to beat there asses. haha.