Confusion

Its mad confusion. It suffocates, it drowns me, and it is out of control. This weekend was one of the most amazing weekends of my life but now im left sinking in confusion… So here’s how it went.

Firstly, I am a Christian. And yes im suicidal.

Secondly, I am a cutter. I have scars all over my body. this last week I had been cutting my entire arms up. I stopped eating and when I had to eat I would puke it up. It started when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Then my ex-boyfriend told me “you aren’t suicidal, you just seek attention” then he blocked me and said he was never going to talk to me again because im an idiot. And that was the worst point of my weekend. I was ready. right there. right then. I wanted to find the nearest bridge and jump the fuck off it. I was planning exactly how I was going to do it. because I didn’t want to deal with my mom and our past, or failing school when I used to be an excellence student, or pushing all of my friends away because I was told EVERYTHING was my fault. I didn’t want to deal with being the failed family member. no. I wanted it to end.

Then he came. he messaged me.. it was my ex-boyfriends bestfriend. and it turned out, he was exactly like me.

he knew how I felt. he could relate. he felt the same way. and he taught me this amazing thing where I can shut my feelings off and not care. it was like he took me under his wing and started to teach me how we can survive. and the longer he talked to me and coached me through, the easier everything began and the more similar we realized we are. I was amazed by him. In a matter of a day, he was willing to be there. He coached me to eat and smile and laugh and continue with my life. He told me I wasn’t fat. He helped me. I finally ate after making a deal with him. And these last couple days we have become close.

Now my ex… We thought we were similar. We liked the same things but we had our differences. But this guy. every difference I had with my ex is the same with this guy. And I know its crazy but im afraid to begin falling for him. well im afraid im already falling.

we have the same favorite animal. and he gets all my crazy thoughts like nobody else. we don’t fight. he doesn’t make me angry. his beliefs are the same as mine…. is this what love is like? im shaking as im writing this just thinking about it…. what do I do in this situation. I swear to gosh id never want to hurt my ex but everything feels more right then its ever been with me.  and idk how to tell this guy how I feel..

So im confused. because idk what this is. but it was like an angel fell out of the sky and saved me.