I’m more than tired. I’m exhausted. So many years I’ve spent perfecting that just-right-smile, being there for others, just seeming as if I’ve got it all “together”. It’s an absolute farce and nothing could be further from the truth.
In reality it is tiring always being the “go-to guy”. It’s depleting being the one who is always “great! How are you?!?” I’m exhausted and I think I’m about finished. I grew up in the 80’s being bullied (I didn’t know that was bad until recently – I thought it was normal), spent the 90’s trying to live up to what society wanted, the 00’s struggling inside … and now I’ve come to the point I just can not deal with it anymore.
Pathetic. That’s how I describe myself. So pathetic in fact that I actually phoned a prevention hotline a few weeks ago and guess what: they were frikin’ closed. I mean, really?
This is the first time I’ve ever expressed these thoughts to anyone other than myself and it’s both frightening and a relief at the same time.
So now, I have the supplies ready and tucked away safely in the closet and just simply need to get that last bit of gusto and go for it. For me, it’s almost time to simply turn off the switch and not “be”.
4 comments
leave those supplies to build a raft with and go out there and find people who like you just the way you are. there are some, might not be in your town but there’s a place for everyone. just don’t give up before you give other people/other places a chance.
I don’t even know what that means. “Build a raft”? Really? Get out there? Oh I see: get around other people and I’ll feel better! Oh my goodness why haven’t I thought about that?? You don’t think I’ve been trying for 40 years? Yes. Perfect. Thank you, cantcontrolthetides. Thank you.
Looking at your other posts I imagine you to be a 16-y/o virgin girl with Jesus and the Bible on the brain. If you really think you are helping then guess what: you are! YaY! Supplies are set up. If it doesn’t work I’ll post back but I seem to think it will.
I can’t express how truly relieved I am at this moment. For the first time in literally years maybe actually decades even … I am content.
I can relate to how you’re feeling! Though I grew up in the60s and 70s, also bullied, hard time having friends. I get the same bs, “just get out there, be with people, you’ll feel better.” Ever heard the phrase “lonely in a crowd”? I’ve got the will/trust, etc. done as well as the means to end it, and it won’t be long. Don’t think I deal with this crazy life much longer. Well, I’m going to “get out there” for a while today, again, and I’ll probably be home tonight, with the same thoughts. Things never change.